What's the secret to falling in love? The Laptop Dancer Diaries is a story of my year-long journey as a single mom, determined to figure it out.
I realize something is wrong when the closest thing I have to a boyfriend is my laptop. Sure he's easy to turn on, but his performance is not what it used to be. I want more. I vow to venture out into the real world, take more risks and conquer my insecurities.
My three resolutions: to have an adventure a month, to fall in love, and to write a book, are all intertwined, resulting in a story that will inspire readers to follow their dreams. By sharing my honest, hilarious and often embarrassing stories, older singles will discover the ups and downs of dating in the millennium. The secret to falling in love is revealed at last in the surprising conclusion.
My friend, Craig Dunham, is afflicted with ALS (more commonly known as Lou Gehrig's disease.) He can only move one finger these days, but he's more alive than anyone I know. I still see that same playful spirit in his eyes, challenging me to live life to the fullest.
I recently had an email conversation with Craig that he's given me permission to share. I'm getting ready to publish The Laptop Dancer Diaries, and I wanted to make sure he'd be OK with what I'd written about him. Craig has a special keyboard that can be strapped to his chair, close to his mobile finger, allowing him to use the computer.
I'd sent him what I'd written, and because I knew it was hard for him to type, I'd given him multiple choice options with option A being "It's OK to publish as is." Craig wrote me back a full poem that touched me. He is such an amazing man. In order to understand the poem, scroll down to the end so you can see the thread of emails.
I wanted to share how inspiring Craig is. There really are no words to describe, so this is the best I can do...
Note: I got an email from Amy Whipple of www.als.net telling me that progress is being made towards a cure to ALS. Please visit the website to see how you can help. ---- From: Craig Dunham Date: Sun, Feb 14, 2010 at 9:38 PM Subject: RE: Need your approval! To: Yvette Francino
Oh my dearest of all dear friend,
a speechless response I'm tempted to send.
I simply don't know the words to say,
my eloquent prose - reduced to an (A).
Yes it is hard for me to type,
but not my style no sir-eee, to gripe.
No time for that, cryin' in beer is pure crap,
'The Sunny Side of Life' is the name of my roadmap.
For your kind words comes my deepest gratitude,
your book, your words, my gift - wide latitude.
Humor, honesty, humility, I love your style,
Everything about you results in a perpetual smile.
No question you bring out the best in me,
and YOU are perfect in God's eyes, don't you see?
So rest your head and sleep well tonight,
your spirit glows with the most brilliant light.
Love, Craig
From: Yvette Francino [yvette.francino@gmail.com] Sent: Sunday, February 14, 2010 5:25 PM To: Craig Dunham; Craig Dunham Subject: Need your approval!
Hi Craig,
Thank you so much for the Valentine surprise today! Yum! How thoughtful of you to think of me! Hey, I'm sorry that I'm going to have to ask you to answer this quickly, but I have to get this final version of my book in tonight, if possible. I rewrote the sections about you and I want to make sure you're OK with the changes. You have no idea how deeply you fill my heart. I love and admire you more than you'll ever know and I wish somehow I could share these deep feelings with the world. However I want to respect your privacy and feelings as well.
Please read the sections below and let me know what you think. I know it must be hard for you to type so I'll give you some choices and you can just type in the letter response:
A) I'm OK with you using it just this way.
B) You can use it, but change my name to Greg.
C) I prefer you don't use this.
D) It's OK, but what happened to the scene about the Deer Tick inspector?
E) Other
Just so you know the answer to D.... I wanted to write about the Deer Tick inspector, but that was in the PWP forum, so I no longer have the story. Of course, I will always remember it as my introduction to one of my dearest (or is that "deerest"?) friends ever.
As I limp to the concert, feeling about as sexy as a wounded dog, I hear Bitch talking about some "50-year-old dirty old man” that's after her. (I think this is enough to turn off Craig who is close to 50 himself, so I now have an ally in my distaste for Bitch.) She's quite drunk by this time and obviously thoroughly smitten with her own humor and sex appeal. Chet, similarly imbibed, is entertained and enjoying the attention from Bitch and her friend. I'm not entertained in the least. Having sobered up, I realize there will be no seduction moves tonight. At least not from me!
Angel:I'm sorry, Dear, but, you know it was for the best.
Devil: Wuss... You could at least have a nice little cat fight. Another disappointing night.
May 12 8am
This morning, when I opened my front door, I found a beautiful bouquet of flowers in a big green vase on my doorstep. The card simply had my name on it and said “Somebody loves you.” Today would have been my 24th Wedding Anniversary. Could it possibly be from my ex-husband? One of my kids? No one ever mentioned my anniversary before. Could I have a secret admirer?
May 12 5pm
Mystery solved. The flowers were from my friend, Craig. You may remember that Craig came to my rescue by providing male attention at the Kool in the Gang concert on my January date-of-the-month. Boy Toy Chet had invited two young ..ahem.. women, along and I needed to even out the male/female ratio.
Well, I recently sent Craig a care package and the flowers were his way of thanking me. In true “Craig-style” he sent me a funny email telling me that he’d taken on a new flower-delivery job and that he’d delivered a bouquet to my home this morning. “From the looks of that bouquet, someone must love you very much!” he wrote.
The email made me cry. I’ve been crying a lot. I haven’t written about it because… well, this is supposed to be a humor book, and there’s nothing funny about this. Craig was recently diagnosed with ALS – more commonly known as Lou Gehrig’s disease.
I’ve been thinking a lot about faith. How could someone so devout, so loving – so “Craig” – how could someone that epitomizes goodness be stricken with this disease? He’s 47 with three kids. I can’t bear to imagine this world without him. I question God, unable to understand why this is happening.
But Craig doesn’t question for a minute. His faith remains stronger than ever. He tells me he’s not afraid. He wrote in his email telling of his prognosis:
“I especially appreciate the opportunity to show my children how life can be lived without anger, resentment, bitterness or regrets. I have purged all of that from my life and intend to leave this life with nothing but love, acceptance, forgiveness and compassion in my heart. I am so ready to live life to its fullest. I only wish I would have thought to do it sooner.”
I have so much admiration and respect for this man. I wish I could experience half the devotion and faith that he has. His courage inspires me more than words can say.
Craig doesn’t spend a minute feeling sorry for himself. I cry at the thought of losing him and realize that that is the last thing he’d want me to do. He would want me to follow his example, love God, and “live life to the fullest.”
From this day forward, whenever my faith is shaken; whenever I’m feeling sorry for myself or feeling angry at life’s little injustices, I will think of Craig and remember his amazing attitude.
God, I don’t get it, but I will try to be more like Craig and hold off on the questions. Just please fill the rest of Craig’s life with love and happiness and give him a special place in Heaven when he gets there. I’m sure You know, there’s no one that deserves it more.
Since The Laptop Dancer Diaries is about Adventure, maybe the next book will be like one of those "choose your own adventure" books... The same stories, but going down a different path.
I've been thinking it would be fun to rewrite, the Laptop Dancer Diaries, but to make the book "mostly untrue" the next time around.
The first book is "mostly true." In each chapter, my inner Angel and inner Devil argue about decisions I should make. I think it might be fun to go back and make the opposite decision. Since the book would be fictional, I could be outrageous in the outcomes.
Now, to make this even more interesting, I thought it might be fun to make it a collaborative project. How about YOU all help me rewrite the book?
I might host a contest for each "month" to come up with the "untrue" version. Of course, I couldn't offer any fortune, but, it could lead to fame.... Most of all, I think it would just be fun.
At my workplace, we have what’s called a “leveling tool.”It’s basically a document that describes the responsibilities associated with each job level.The tool is used to help determine if a promotion is in order.As I re-entered the confusing world of dating after the breakup of my 20-year marriage, I wished I had such a tool that would help navigate me through the uncharted territory upon which I was embarking.How would I know when I was ready to move to the next level, and would my progression match that of my new boyfriend?
I use the term “boyfriend” loosely.First of all, there’s the age factor.Surely there must be a more sophisticated word that can be used once you reach middle-age.“Gentleman caller” and “beau”, though romantic, sound too Victorian.“Lover” is too personal for my taste.And none of these titles is entirely appropriate until you and the object of your affection have established exactly where you are in the relationship.I’ve dated the same man for a year and a half.We have a monogamous relationship.Yet, use of the word “boyfriend” is practically as taboo as bringing up the dreaded L-word.Perhaps it implies more commitment than my male friend is ready to accept.
The early infatuation days of our relationship were blissfully happy for me as I was rescued from the emotional rejection I’d felt from my divorce.I was as excited as a love struck schoolgirl. A few months later, however, I noticed the reluctance of my boyfriend (yes, I’ll go ahead and call him that…he’ll probably never read this, anyway) to progress up the commitment ladder.Being a typical male, “relationship talk” was something he conveniently avoided.I decided to make it easy for him by creating a relationship leveling tool.With such a tool in hand he would simply have to inform me of his current level and whether he’d be trying for any “promotions” in the foreseeable future.
Let me explain something about the leveling tool I’m about to disclose.Every person is different and what might seem like a major step for one person might not be such a big deal for someone else.Sex is probably the biggest example of this.For some people, sex is in no way a statement of commitment.Others feel sex should be saved for marriage.Most of us are somewhere in between depending on a myriad of circumstances.So although I originally created the Commitment Leveling Tool with the best of intentions, I’ve come to realize that my interpretation of what constitutes commitment and how it should progress is very personal and unique.When I originally authored this tool I had about 20 levels including such trivialities as “Not embarrassed to fart in front of one another.”However, I’ve narrowed it down to what I think of as the 10 primary levels.
Commitment Leveling Tool
Flirt and hope for a positive reaction
First date
Kissing and progressively more
Decide you want to date exclusively
Sex!!!
Introduce your friends, families, and kids
Say 'I Love You'
Go on vacation together
Talk about a future together
Get married.
I was quite pleased with our progression up to Level 5.However, once there, we seemed to be in a holding pattern.I was certainly more than ready for Level 6.In fact, I had talked to my friends, families, and kids about my infatuation way back at Level 1.Why was this so difficult for my so-called boyfriend?When I showed him the leveling tool, he suggested that he was so committed that he was ready to vacation with me, skipping right over Levels 6 and 7 and going straight to Level 8!
Here we are, over a year later, still somewhat stuck at Level 5.Yes, we have done a couple of long-weekend trips, and I have met a few of his friends.I wonder if the plateau we reached has anything to do with sex.Perhaps if we were back in Victorian days when sex didn’t come until AFTER marriage, there would have been further progression up that commitment ladder.Could it be that once The Big Level 5 (Sex!!!) was achieved, there was no longer any incentive for my boyfriend to advance further?
I rationalize that certain levels are more about personality than commitment.My boyfriend is very private and seems to have his life compartmentalized.He does not want to mix his work life with his personal life or his love life with his family life.I have often felt hurt that he has not included me in his family events.I’ve sometimes wondered if he were to die suddenly, if his family would even know to invite me to his funeral.I believe they know he’s dating someone, but they’ve never met me.
Although remaining hidden from my boyfriend’s family causes me much distress, I’ve concluded that an invite to a family function is tantamount to a marriage proposal in his mind.Once I understood this, I stopped pushing.I’m ready for Level 6, but if family introductions are his version of a Level 9 relationship, then I don’t want to go there quite yet.
When I’m not worrying about “going to the next level” I’m totally happy with our relationship. We have fun and enjoy each others’ company.He is my friend, my confidant, and my lover.However, we both still stutter when using the word “boyfriend.” Whether that is because of our ages or our commitment level is not entirely clear.
If I revert back to my unabridged 20-level tool, there are things we’ve done which have implied increased intimacy.We have become more comfortable with each other and yes, he has farted in front of me, although it was met with a great deal of embarrassment.I still am not ready for that level.I now teasingly refer to him as FB (Fart-Boy) rather than BF (Boy Friend).It seems to be the more appropriate moniker.
As the months have passed, met with my periodic frustrations at our lack of forward movement, I’ve come to the realization that it’s unlikely that we will ever reach the higher levels of this scale.I’ve asked myself if I can be happy staying at Level 5.Often times I think Level 5 is perfect.I have more time to pursue my own interests and I do not have to deal with the compromises that more established couples are faced with.We still go out at least once a week and that date is met with excitement and anticipation.Whenever I see little signs of intimacy…times when I see my boyfriend stepping out of his comfort zone for me…I get the warmth of feeling loved, whether or not he is saying the difficult L-word.He always respects me and has been there for me whenever I’ve needed him.
The advice columnists, Dr. Phil, and authors of “He’s Just Not That Into You” would all tell me not to settle for anything less than love.Unfortunately, I have trouble even finding a potential for a Level 1 relationship, let alone someone I think is going to make it to Level 10.The notion of finding my soul mate is very romantic, but realistically, I don’t see many prospects out there.Admittedly, I’m picky, but if the purpose of moving on is to avoid settling, then why start out settling in the early stages of dating?
At some point I will decide I want more and will risk venturing out to find it. When I give up all hope of any forward movement with my current relationship, the stagnation won’t be enough to sustain it.I doubt many men would stay in a relationship if they felt there was no chance of reaching the “Sex Level.”I cannot stay in a relationship if there is no chance of reaching the “Love Level.”But for now, I can enjoy a Level 5 relationship with a sprinkle of higher level activity.A serious boyfriend so soon after a divorce is probably not on Dr. Phil’s prescription list either. A Fart-Boy will do just fine.
Do you remember these Leisure Suit Larry games by Sierra? They were great. I compare a dorky guy that tries to pick me up in Cancun to Leisure Suit Larry in my book, The Laptop Dancer Diaries.
Less than two months until the release date -- February 26, 2010! The book is a journal, starting with a New Years resolution to find love. I went about it in a very methodical way, with a series of dates starting with Mr. January. I don't want to ruin the story for you, but I'll tell you that I did end up falling in love with Mr. December. Phew! And I learned a lot about love in the process!
One of the things I learned is that love shows up in unexpected places. Often the "target" of my love, the man I thought would be Mr. Man-Of-The-Month, did not end up being "right." We get thrown a lot of curve balls in dating. We think someone is perfect and then they turn out to be gay, married, psycho, or... just not that interested in us. Then we get insecure, wondering if it's because we're too old or not pretty enough. Or maybe someone thinks we're perfect, and we just can't seem to reciprocate those feelings. Yes, maybe it's because they're the ones who are too old or too ugly or too-just-can't-put-your-finger-on-it-but-you-find-them-annoying. Even though we know it's shallow to judge people on these things and we hate being judged ourselves, we can't help it. No matter how much we wish we were attracted to them, we're just not.
I discovered this "judging" we all do is associated with finding a romantic partner. We are searching for lust and attraction. Let's face it, if we're going to be fondling this person, we don't want to feel nautious when we look at them. But lust and attraction are different from love. So this year, my resolution is to search for love every day. It's present in every person we meet and every experience we have. We can find it in that excited smile of a friend who's sharing good news with you, that dog (in my case, a very disobedient dog) who jumps into her "down position" to please you, that sunrise that takes your breath away as you're out for a morning run.
Stories of love may not be as entertaining as dating stories, but they're a lot safer when you're writing a blog. So I've decided to try and blog each week about "love stories" and I invite you to do the same. If you want to get the full scoop on dating, you'll have to get the book! Or come join The Laptop Dancer Diaries FaceBook Fan Page to discuss dating, love, relationships, and ...
When I told my son-in-law I'd run across many Leukemia and Lymphoma victims, at first he thought I literally ran across them! (I am a bit of a clumsy runner!)And we seriously almost did trample a few people last weekend as we ran through the streets of Denver doing crazy stunts, solving puzzles, and scavenging for things like an oncologist's business card or pina colada ingredients. We were participating in the Mile High Amazing Race! Here's a photo of me with my teammates posing with some bald mannequins -- one of the many items on our list of things to do. This is the third year of the race and it is, without a doubt, the best race ever. I absolutely love the fact that it combines three of my favorite things: crazy competition, fun, and raising money for a good cause!
Knowing that one of the checkpoints would be dedicated to fund-raising, I asked if we could come to the race with donations in hand. Sun Microsystems (where I work) will double any employees contributions with their matching gifts program and I wanted to take full advantage of that. The race director said, "Absolutely!"
Our first donation was $500 from a friend who's son is in remission. I have run several events for Leukemia and Lymphoma, and each time this man -- someone I barely know -- has donated $500 for the cause. Last year, I'd apologized for asking him...I didn't want him to think I always expected $500 or was taking advantage of his generosity. He said, "I'd be upset if you DIDN'T ask me!" He not only donates, but then forwards my email on to his family who also donates!
This attitude was so inspiring to me that I decided this year I would raise at least another $500 and challenged my teammates to do the same. Even though many of us are facing layoffs, people opened up their wallets and their hearts. Our team of four raised over $3500 for Leukemia and Lymphoma in less than one week!
As we handed in our stash at the fund-raising checkpoint, we brought tears to the eyes of one woman as she gave us hugs for our efforts. And when we got to the checkpoint where we met the survivors -- the little kids who have been struggling with Leukemia and their parents -- we felt proud that we were able to make a difference. (And, Chris, we did not run across them, run into them, or run over them. We just got to play with them.) It is so easy to take our health for granted, but when you see the victims and the families, you just want to do whatever you can do to help.
I think fund-raising is something everyone should do with pride. Too often, we are afraid to ask for money -- afraid of putting people on the spot. It's uncomfortable. But unless you ask, you don't get to experience the incredibly generosity of others. You don't get to know how absolutely heart-warming it is when people give freely. If you ever have a chance to do fund-raising, don't apologize or feel embarrassed about asking people to help. Feel proud and excited! And when you're on the other side, feel honored at being asked! There is no way that any of us can contribute money every time we're asked for a donation, but we can always smile and say 'good luck.'
To all of you that have donated and supported me in my many fund-raising efforts, you will never know how deeply moved and grateful I am for your generosity. Whether it's a 'good luck' wish or $500, it truly does make a difference. It has changed my life. And it's saved the life of others.
I call my doctor to report a splitting headache and some numbness in my face. It's outside of office hours.
“In case of emergency, hang up and dial 911.”
Though I feel hesitant, I call 911 and explain the situation.
“We're going to send someone over to check it out.”
Five minutes later the paramedics arrive in flashing ambulances. I hope the neighbors aren't watching.
There isn't one guy, there are six. And they are all really, really cute! This is like some personal bachelorette party complete with Chippendale men. Is this a dream? I half-way expect these guys to start dancing! They're all there in uniform being very attentive, taking my pulse and blood pressure. I'm sure my heart rate must be going up a bit! If I'd known I was going to get this kind of attention I would have called 911 a long time ago and made sure I was wearing something other than sweats! I didn't even put on makeup!
“I didn't expect so many of you!”
I wonder if it would be inappropriate to take a picture.
As five of the cuties are gathered around asking me questions, a sixth goes upstairs. Apparently, it must be protocol for someone to go up and check your medicine cabinet to find out what kind of drugs the poor victim is on. Not that I don't want a cute guy in my bedroom, but I'm not prepared. My room is a mess! And right in the area where the vanity is--where my prescriptions are stored—is where I've left my underwear---dirty underwear! Inside out!
That's not all.
My little stash of drugs includes none other than--I'm embarrassed to say-- vaginal cream antibiotic. Lovely. A vaginal infection is just what I want to discuss with some hot, young paramedic.
When I suddenly started seeing double as I was driving my son to school on Friday, I knew that something was really wrong. The fact that I can barely remember the drive, other than the strange sensation of “waking up” at a light with a flat tire, was unnerving, to say the least. This one couldn't be explained away as “just one of those things.” Everything else that was unusual—dizziness, insomnia, sensitivity to cold, weight loss despite eating loads of chocolate (yay!), my love of Laptops – these things have been more pronounced than usual, but haven't warranted a huge amount of concern.
When I called the doctor to tell her I had experienced double-vision when driving, she wanted me to come in immediately for an MRI. Yippee! VIP-treatment! Mental note: When seeking quick medical attention, you are taken much more seriously when you complain about double vision, than when you complain about mood swings.
The MRI did reveal a small growth on my Pituitary Gland. The doctor was not surprised because this was consistent with her recent blood work findings. The Pituitary Gland sits right behind the optic nerve, so it's not unusual to experience double vision with this type of growth. The doctor set me up with an endocrinologist and a neurologist.
She assured me there were no brain tumors. The Pituitary Gland isn't technically your “brain” and this growth could most definitely be treated. “If you have any other unusual neurological problems, be sure and call me right away.” she told me.
Unusual neurological problems? Well, that's a big bucket load of possibility! People have told me my whole life that I have a very strange brain! It would be unusual for me to act normal! The fact that I'm now completely paranoid about a brain abnormality is exactly the way my normally abnormal brain works!
So last night when I had a splitting headache and my lower jaw felt numb, I was sure it was another brain malfunction.
This morning I'm taking some sick time from work. This is kind of silly because I'm here, typing on my laptop, which is all that is really required for me to “work.” The most physically taxing part of my job is the energy required to get up and go to the bathroom. However, we get five sick days a year, and I can't remember ever taking one. I can work from home and I'm addicted to email. Even when I'm legitimately sick, I manage to check my email, just to make sure I'm not missing out on some late-breaking information. I want to keep up on any schedule changes for the Team Happy Hour, for example.
But yesterday, I went to work, despite the recent diagnosis. I tell my co-workers in an ominous, scary way that I have a “brain tumor” in order to solicit the most sympathy. People look at me in horror! “Oh my God! You will be in our prayers! What are you doing here?” I figure I might as well milk this sympathy for all its worth. “Yes.” I say in a brave, resolved voice. “God will see me through this!”
A pituitary gland tumor (or, if I'm drop the melodramatics, it's really just a growth,and not very big) is almost always benign and treatable. They can either remove it through the nose (a very unique booger) or maybe even treat it with drugs or radiation. I'll find out more today.
The exciting thing is that this can explain so much! Everyone blamed my dizziness on my blond highlights! And all that scatter-brain behavior? It all makes sense now! The pituitary gland controls all the hormones. As any female can attest, we have enough trouble with our hormones even when things are working normally! Apparently, my hormones are completely out of whack, and NO, IT'S NOT BECAUSE I'M PERI-MENAPAUSAL! AHHHHH! I'M GOING TO CRY IF ANYONE TRIES TO CONVINCE ME OF THAT!
Last November I met Ian Usher, this guy that's traveling the world accomplishing 100 goals in 100 weeks. He's really quite a fascinating character and I've been following his blog with interest. When I told my 14-year-son about him...all the cool places he's going and things he's doing...my son's first comment was a very matter-of-fact: "He's going to run out of money." Note to self: Stop worrying about money...or at least stop talking about worrying about it...in front of Scotty!
My son's not the only one that mentions the little issue of money when I rave about Ian's adventures. People want to know if he's independently wealthy. How in the world does one afford to take off for 2 years and travel the world? I'm sure it's a question that Ian gets asked a lot...in fact, I asked him that myself when I talked to him.
His budget approximately averages out to $100/day, he told me. And a lot of what he's been able to do has been due to the generosity of people he meets. Reading through his blog, I saw that it's often through serendipity that he's met just the contacts to help him fulfill some very unique goals that often require very specialized talents!
One of the most incredible of these meetings happened 2 days after I'd met Ian on Thanksgiving Day. He told me he was meeting a juggler that would help him accomplish his "juggle with fire" goal. I had pictured a street vendor who was probably just making ends meet. "Juggler" doesn't sound like the kind of job that pays well. I pictured Ian and the juggler sitting around with a can of spam on Thanksgiving Day, maybe throwing around some burning turkey legs. I read his blog the next day and saw that the juggler was world famous! Thanksgiving was spent at this outrageously gorgeous mansion in the Santa Monica mountains!
But my surprise and awe at the stories I read on Ian's blog aren't about wealth in the monetary sense. They are about the generosity and spirit of all of those that are helping him to accomplish these goals! I admit to feeling a tad guilty after I read about it all that I met him purely for selfish reasons. I didn't help him accomplish any goal...he helped me with one of mine! And, he bought me a drink at a very posh LA bar to celebrate afterwards.. Undoubtedly out-of-budget when one is traveling around the world on $100/day. It struck me that Ian neither boasted of his fame nor complained about any disappointments or worries of money.
There is one goal I thought maybe I could help him with. (Well...two, if you count the "Mile High Club" but... I wouldn't really call myself experienced in that area unless he's talking about a hike...) I have some experience with fund-raising (as anyone that knows me can attest.) Ian's Goal #81: is to raise $50K for Bowel Cancer Research. (Put Ian Usher in the "Name of Event" field.) His father died of Bowel Cancer and today, Jan.22, is the Anniversary of his death.
I know that these days most of us are worried about money. We're worried about the economy, the value of our houses and investments, and our jobs. But isn't it heart-warming to see people reaching out to someone they don't know, either to give or receive? It can even be as simple as a smile (but even better to donate money to a worthy cause.)
What's the secret to falling in love? The Laptop Dancer Diaries is a story of my year-long journey as a single mom, determined to figure it out.
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