The Chemistry of Love

What exactly is in Cupid's arrow?

According to an article on YourTango, falling in love takes a fifth of a second.

When you fall in love, twelve areas of the brain sync up to release "happy" chemicals like oxytocin, dopamine and adrenaline. Like a love potion concocted by the brain itself, these chemicals induce feelings of euphoria in the brain's cognitive centers that manage metaphors, language comprehension, visual processing and body image. The whole process occurs faster than you can even blink.

This article explored "love at first sight" vs. love that grows over time suggesting that the "realization point" -- the point we realized we were attracted -- feels like an epiphany. (I guess that's when all that "chemistry" happens.)

It's interesting that (if I'm understanding this right) the "love" chemicals are induced in the cognitive centers that "manage metaphors, language comprehension, visual processing and body image." There's a specific part of our brain that manages metaphors? And a part of our brain manages "body image"? Weird.. I wonder if these are the same areas of the brain that get affected when we get drunk. It could explain why we don't know what we're talking about (let alone use a proper metaphor), can't see straight, and why we think everyone is so much better-looking (body image impairment) when we're drunk or in love.

Anyway, back to chemicals. Here's another article about the chemistry of love that explains the roles of estrogen and testosterone (for the sex drive) and how dopamine (pleasure) and norepinephrine (racing heart) combine to create "elation,intense energy, sleeplessness, craving, loss of appetite and focused attention." Oxytocin apparently is released during the big 'O' (which may be a good mnemonic device if you're ever getting quizzed on this stuff) which helps create an emotional bond. Endorphins are another hormone released during sex,producing "a general sense of well-being, including feeling soothed, peaceful and secure."

And once again, the subject of dwindling romantic love rears it's head:

The feelings of passionate love, however, do lose their strength over time. Studies have shown that passionate love fades quickly and is nearly gone after two or three years. The chemicals responsible for "that lovin' feeling" (adrenaline, dopamine, norepinephrine, phenylethylamine, etc.) dwindle. Suddenly your lover has faults. Why has he or she changed, you may wonder. Actually, your partner probably hasn't changed at all; it's just that you're now able to see him or her rationally, rather than through the blinding hormones of infatuation and passionate love. At this stage, the relationship is either strong enough to endure, or the relationship ends.

The article also mentions the addictive quality.. a "love high".. and how some people go through relationship after relationship to get a love fix.

As I concluded from the discussion of limerence, this does not sound healthy... it sounds a lot like drugs... Feels great, but it's totally irrational, addictive, and doesn't last.

Now that I realize love is like drugs (note the metaphor) I'm feeling much better about the fact that it is currently missing from my life. Yippee!

Are you in Limerence? More about romantic love..

I can't believe with all my interest in love that I've never heard of "limerence" until now! I'm doing my "love research" (which basically means googling and reading) and I came across this article about romantic love explaining limerence. It's that "obsessive" infatuated feeling I was describing in my post yesterday.

The article says that Dorothy Tennov, in her book "Love and Limerence," describes these traits of limerence:

1) Intrusive thoughts about the object of passionate desire (the “limerent object” or LO)
2) Acute longing for reciprocation
3) Mood becomes dependent on the LO’s actions
4) Inability to react limerently towards more than one person at the same time (except when limerence is at low ebb)
5) Unsettling shyness and fear of rejection when in the presence of the LO
6) Intensification through adversity (up to a certain point)
7) Acute sensitivity to any act or condition that could be interpreted as favorable
8) An aching of the “heart” (a palpable heavy sensation in the front of the chest)
9) Buoyancy (a feeling of “walking on air”)
10) An intensity of feeling that leaves other concerns in the background
11) A remarkable ability to emphasize the positive traits of the LO, while rendering the LO’s negative traits as “endearing” to the point where it is perceived to be another positive trait.

That's IT! I know exactly that feeling! Another symptom of limerence is that it only exists if there is hope and uncertainty of a reciprocated relationship. I thought this was really interesting... especially the uncertainty part. This could explain why I seem to be more attracted (in this sort of desperate, limerent way) to someone when they are showing subtle signs of interest, yet still a little "hard to get."

Of course, if they reciprocate my limerence, all is euphoric and then I guess, we graduate into a more mature romantic love. (At least that's the idea...) But, what usually happens when I'm in "limerence" is that the LO (Limerence Object) may be attracted to me or even experience "lust" (another component of romantic love), but usually doesn't have the same degree of limerency (I'm making that word up) towards me. I remain hopeful and uncertain and "limerent" until I get it into my head that he's just not that into me. We will not go into the deep despair and late nights with Laptop Guy that follow...

I used to feel that if I didn't feel those "limerent" feelings, I wasn't really in love. But after reading more about it, I'm thinking it's really kind of unhealthy! I mean, it's exciting and wonderful when you feel like it's reciprocated, but hey... no one is really THAT good! And we're really just fooling ourselves and setting ourselves up for disappointment when we realize our LO is not who we're fantasizing they are. I know the times a guy has been in "limerence" with me, it's flattering, but I feel uncomfortable because I don't share the same intense feelings, and I'll typically avoid a romantic relationship. Maybe that's why it's better to keep our "limerence" to ourselves. Better to try and be "cool" rather than staring up at our LO with starry-eyed adoration.

Wanna read more about limerence? I found Tennov's limerence website with a free monthly newsletter.

What have been your experiences with limerence? Do you think it's a necessary part of romantic love?

Is Romantic Love Destined to Dwindle?

Yesterday, I blogged about the different types of love, naming "romantic love" as the one most of us think of when we hear the word, 'love.'

I think romantic love is the most confusing of all of them... It's the type of love most of us yearn for, but can't seem to control. In fact, when we're in love, we feel completely out of control... obsessive, distracted, crazy! And if the other person feels the same way about us, it's absolutely wonderful! I don't know if this is "real" love. I've always thought of this more as "infatuation." Nevertheless, it's magical.

I read an article that reiterated what I've heard before. The shelf life for "romantic love" is about two years.

When boiled down romantic love is about as realistic as trying to build a meaningful relationship with your television set. As such it is only sustainable for about two years and then the inevitable happens; the screen tarnishes, the mental projector breaks down and you start seeing each other for who you really are. This is when lovers accuse each other of changing or not being the person they fell in love with and/or married.

(Note: Laptop Guy and I have been in a relationship for more than two years, and I have noticed that he's been shutting down prematurely lately. I think it may be the beginning of the end for us.)

The article says that part of the problem is that we have these unrealistic expectations about our mate, and when we see them for who they really are, we feel like we're no longer in love.

The truth is good relationships are mundane and when the myths fail, the relationship has a better chance of working; just look at the success of arranged marriages. The difference between these and prince and princess unions is that arranged affairs don’t start out with the expectation that you will be on a pedestal and worshipped forever.

I actually always used this argument to explain the success of my own marriage (that is until I got divorced...) I got married because I was pregnant. I didn't feel "in love." But I grew to love my husband because of who he was...not because I was looking at him through rose-colored glasses. I used to say that unlike other couples who marry when they're starry-eyed, I loved my husband much more after we were married. It seemed to be more of a mature love, rather than that obsessive, romantic love. It was kind of a bummer that I went into my marriage being petrified, rather than excited, but I saw the man I married for who he was...both his faults and his strengths... and I saw that he loved me and was doing his best to be a good husband and a good father. And I grew to love him very deeply.

On the other hand, he was "in romantic love" with me when we got married, so he was in for a rude awakening when I fell off the pedastal. (This may have come when he realized I watched the soap opera, All My Children.)

We had a good marriage for 19 years (despite my All My Children addiction) until he fell "in love" with someone else and realized he was no longer happy with the status quo of a rather boring marriage. (I was no longer watching All My Children, but he was not happy with my interest in the sitcom, Friends, either.)

I can't really blame him. Those shows are pretty stupid. (Perhaps if I were watching something called, My Dear Husband, he might not have minded so much...)

And I get it that being in love feels great. I might have done the same thing. It really does feel a lot better to be "in love" than to be in a marriage where romantic love seems non-existent. The problem is, according to the literature on this stuff, it never lasts, and unfortunately, at this age, I often have a hard time even getting it to start!

So what do you do if you want to fall in love? Well, I am doing research on this. Tune in tomorrow when we dissect romantic love a little further...