Sunday, February 05, 2006


I subscribe to Webster's word of the day and the word or February 2 was cathexis: : investment of mental or emotional energy in a person, object, or idea. I still am a little unsure of how to use this word, but I can definitely say I have invested more mental and emotional energy in FB than I thought possible. Maybe you'd say I have a "cathexis" when it comes to FB. I obsess about our relationship. I bore my friends to death with the analysis. I write about him in blogs. I just can't seem to get him out of my mind and out of my system.

He has been more attentive in the last two weeks than he was when we were dating. He's called me, emailed me, asked me out, flirted with me, and finally on Friday we had the "talk". I had not wanted to pressure him, but I needed to know what was going on. He told me he was getting old and he had to stop spending his free nights listening to progressive radio. He wanted love and marriage after all. I suggested maybe just feeling comfortable with being a boyfriend might be a good start and I told him I'd be available if he wanted to practice. He was cute and funny and assured me that he could be a good boyfriend. Then he invited me to come over to his house but it was 10:30pm and I didn't want to just go over for sex. If he was really going to be a boyfriend, I wanted it done right...a little wooing, a little romance. And I really wanted to be cautious. I wanted to go slow enough that I could judge whether or not this new commitment was "real" or just lonliness.

He had told me earlier in the week that he was coming to the Parents Without Partners (PWP) dance that I'd invited all my single friends to. This was very surprising to me since it is so out of character for him. I have to admit that one of the reasons I go to PWP events is to keep myself open to new relationships. I wasn't sure if the reason FB was interested in coming to the dance was because he wanted to dance with me or because he wanted to possibly meet someone new. I asked him and he had said he wasn't looking to date someone new. He just wanted to dance.

We each went separately to the dance, me with a couple of girlfriends, and him with a guy friend of his. When he first got there things were great. We danced and flirted exactly the way I would have wanted. I still mingled with other people and so did he. But as the evening wore on, he found someone that he found very interesting, apparently interesting enough to kiss. I don't know where this kiss occurred, but FB was so private when he was with me that he never kissed me in public. When we were in public, most people probably wouldn't have even realized that we had a romantic relationship. Yet, here he was, already kissing someone he had just met...and kissing her at party that I had invited him to. True, he wasn't my "date" but we had just talked about rekindling our relationship at a deeper level the night before. I have to say, I was devastated. Three glasses of wine and two margaritas did not help matters. I couldn't stop crying.

I'm angry at him and I'm angry at myself for letting myself get back in this spot. How many times do I have to be reminded that he doesn't love me? Yet, I have once again, grown so used to his companionship. I chewed him out....told him how much I was hurt by this. The pattern will be for him to withdraw. He won't email or call. I have so often kept it from him when he's hurt me because I know that when I'm hurt he stays away. I wish he could just hold me and tell me he would much rather go out with me than this new woman, but he doesn't. He just apologizes for hurting me and confirms what I already know...that he is just not that into me. And he and I both know we can't keep going through this...he hates to hurt me and I hate being hurt, but it seems to be a constant in our relationship. So the thing I feel the saddest about isn't that he found someone new...I doubt it will develop into anything serious. The thing I feel saddest about is that I know I must give up the cathexis and that means giving up the relationship.

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