Saturday, February 18, 2006

Moving On

I missed my goal of writing in my blog last week. Admittedly, I have been a dead beat for the past two weeks. I haven't cared about any of my goals. I haven't cared about much. I've been in a pathetic, pitiful, feeling-sorry-for-myself-for-no-good-reason mood. My insomnia was so bad I went to the doctor to get a prescription and he not only prescribed a sleeping med, but he prescribed Prozac. I was tempted, but I refuse to go onto anti-depressents when I know it's stupid to be depressed. I've been through the death of my brother, a divorce, problems with kids, parents, health, finances, and work and I refuse to go on Prozac now about something as stupid as the loss of a fantasy that I knew was never going to happen.

Yes, putting things in perspective, life is wonderful for me. I have so much. I think what has so upset me in the last two weeks wasn't necessarily that FB isn't with's that he's moving on, along with so many other people in my life. Almost all my Fisher friends have "hooked up"...either with each other, or with someone outside of the Fisher group. Most of them are revelling in that happy feeling of new love. My older kids are independent now with happy lives of their own. My ex-husband, of course, happily moved on and remarried so soon after our divorce. My girlfriends, for the most part, are busy....either with kids and husbands or kids and boyfriends or just with kids! My flirt buddies are rapidly becoming depleted as they find someone that will do more than flirt with them. I have Scotty, but I know he is quickly approaching that age...the age when friends are a lot more cool to hang out with than Mom. He tells me about the things he does with his step-sister and his step-Mom, and I feel that jealous feeling I've lost even him. I want all these people to be happy (well...I haven't quite yet gotten to the point where I want my ex to be happy) but, I just feel like I'm missing something. And I feel like they no longer need me. They've found the love they need from other sources. Why can't I find someone? And even if I don't, why can't I find peace and contentment with all I DO have?

I know it's stupid. My kids, my family, my friends...they all love me so much and I feel so blessed. I know that I probably have much more love in my life now than when I was married. But, there was a part that was holding out for FB to realize he loved me. He finally had said he was ready for a commitment and I had stupidly thought he meant with me. Now I think he was just trying to psyche himself to "get out there" so he could meet someone he'd fall in love with and marry. I guess in the mean time, he felt I would be good enough to hang out with. And honestly, that's exactly how I had been thinking of him. Little did I know he would be able to find someone to kiss within a day of "getting out there", not to mention when I was "out there" at the same party.

But, two weeks is two weeks too long to mope about something like this. It's a good thing this happened because now I, too, maybe can really move on. I don't want to do the "getting out there" thing again, but I will. I will do my 90-days-to-Mr.Right homework, I'll check out all the online dating sites, I'll put out my "I'm available" vibes, and before you know it, I'll be excited about someone again. And in the mean time, I've gotta make up for lost time on my February goals. Time to get moving! Moving on, that is.

No comments: