The other day an email was sent out by to my "Rebuilder" network by a fellow "Rebuilder", Matt, advertising "Resingled a Divorce Blog" , a male perspective of the newly divorced life. I read it with interest. Relationships are my favorite topic, and, of course, my own blog is about being "resingled". That being said, besides being a female perspective (and 5 years past divorce), I'm not nearly as open as Matt is in his blog about thoughts around sex. Not only are my thoughts about sex ever-changing, it's a very confusing topic. And then there's the fact that sex is very personal. Describing how I feel about it on the internet feels a little bit like posting a nude photo of yourself. It's something intimate. It's kind of like one of those things that you work your way into as you get to know someone.
A male friend once told me a story about a woman he'd met from match.com. She was from out of state. He's a commitmentphobe and has this habit of meeting out-of-staters...Ms. Utah, Ms. Florida, Ms. California, he calls them. Anyway, he flew Ms. Something...I can't remember the state...out for the weekend. They had a nice day, strolling around Denver, and went back to his house (by the way he has this GORGEOUS house...) She "freshens up" and when he comes down to his entertainment room, she is lying nude on his couch. She proceeds to ask if he wants to see her "man in the boat". This, apparently, is a euphemism for asking if he wants to examine her female genitalia. She spreads her legs ready to give him a guided tour to her "boat" and the "man" within.
My friend, who I'll call "Hugh", since he I think he fashions himself another Hugh Hefner, was not prepared for this. He certainly has been around the block a few times, but never had he so abruptly been thrust into this kind of surreal sexual scene. Ms. Out-of-Stater was confused by his lack of eagerness to explore. It seems that other men have jumped (literally) at such an opportunity. I mean, it does sound like something that only happens in porn movies, and I guess her body (I'm not sure if that would be considered her "dock") was playboy material. But still "Hugh" was ready to run for the hills. Where's the mystery? Where's the anticipation? This almost sounds like a gynecology appointment, which I can tell ya, is not that sexy!
"Hugh" once advised me that if I was going to write very personal "stuff" in my blog, that I should never let anyone I'm romantically interested in, read it. He said that's like going "Open Kimono". And I suppose, the more personal it is, it can even be like exposing your "man in the boat" prematurely. On one hand, it feels wonderful to be able to express your innermost thoughts, especially when someone validates those thoughts. You get a feeling that you are not alone. Someone else has these fears, these insecurities, these hopes, these joys. But part of intimacy is to discover these things over time and together. You share a little, he shares a little, a touch, a smile, a bad mood, an embarrassing moment, a fear, a quirk, a hug, a kiss... let it grow. Don't rush to get to the "man in the boat" before you've even had the joys of experiencing the little stuff. There is nothing like those tingles you get from the light touch from a man you have a huge crush on. Though the ultimate fantasy is to have mind-numbing sex, if he whips out his penis and says "Wanna do it?" your infatuation is most likely going to morph to disgust.
There's a lot I'd like to say in response to the entries in Matt's blog, and I know he's looking for comments, but a comment is not enough to give justice to my female perspective about sex and singlehood. I would say that though it may be closer to "typically female" it's unique in that every one of us is different in how we feel about this topic. I commend Matt for his openness in sharing his thoughts. Though some I agree with and others I don't, it confirms my belief that we are all different, and discovering our inner thoughts (without necessarily exposing our "man in the boat") is how we get closer to love. Perhaps that's why reading blogs can be so entertaining. You get a glimpse into someones "real" personality and you feel a sense of closeness to them. But when it comes to "real" relationships, it must be a journey that you're walking together side by side. Whether your goal is sex or love, enjoy the small steps of intimacy along the way.
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3 comments:
I think "intent" is everything. Hugh brought that women home to impress her and have sex with her and was "surprised" she was into it too. You write that he is not interested in intimacy, and nor was his visitor. Women are always sort of damned if they do, damned if they don't and have more social roles to contend with then men which simply, although this is a myth in many ways, have only an on/off switch.
When straight sex was presented to him, he realized, at least on some level, that that was not what he was after, maybe he does want intimacy he's just lost on how to get started, either that, or it's a power equivalency issue and he doesn't like being "out" of control.
As the author of the blog you mention, my intent in writing it is not to find a future partner, or to have an open diary, I'm writing it as if I have an embedded journalist in my psyche, albeit one that's based on Hunter S. Thompson.
I want to write about the pain, humiliation, humor, self awareness, stupidity, beauty, confusion, of divorce and especially about how sex and intimacy become collapsed for most divorce folks.
I want to write from the gut and heart, which seemed lacking to me in most divorce blogs. I'm not kidding, but I read one blog on divorce and the author was giving out recipes for cookies.
I appreciate that, but the divorce men I know are lost and have difficulty expressing their feelings, especially anger, and I'd like to help them.
Hey Matt,
I accidentally published your comment twice, so I deleted the second instance.
"Hugh" likes the chase... I'm the same way. If something is too "easy" it's just not that fun. Ms. Out-of-Stater took away all the fun of the seduction.
My blog is not so much about being divorced as it is about being single. And, admittedly, some of the posts do not even stick to that theme. (I'll go delete all those cookie recipes. ;-))
The subject of sex is one that I'd like to write more openly about...I suppose I'm just too private about it. But, who knows? Maybe you'll inspire me! (I do love to play devil's advocate.) I have a few posts that may be bordering on TMI, but for the most part, I'd probably rate my blog PG. After all, I have 3 kids who may stumble across it.
However, I'll look forward to reading more of your blog, and look forward to going "open kimono" with my comments there!
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