Men and Sex: Is it unhealthy for men to be uninterested?

My post on Men and Communication sparked some debate, partially based on an excerpt from an expert stating that all that men have on their minds are "burgers and blow jobs."

Well, yesterday I read an article in Psychology Today that I not only disagree with, but found insulting to both men and women!

In "Too Tired for Sex?", John Buri starts out with:

Sometimes you might hear a woman say something like this: “My husband just isn’t interested in sex.”

Does that strike anyone (besides me) as odd?

If we are talking about a young (under 50), healthy male --- he is interested in sex. Period.

My first point of contention is that 50 is the cutoff for not being "young." I doubt that one turns 50 and then, boom, it's "OK" to not be interested in sex. (Besides the fact that I'm extra-sensitive to 50 being noted as the boundary between young and old) I am just insulted that he would imply that every healthy man under the age of 50 is interested in sex all the time. Men do get tired too!

Buri goes on to insult the women in these men's lives by stating later in the article:

Let’s face it. A typical young, healthy male can be a nano-second from sleep, and if you lean over in bed and gentle caress him, he will be awake, alert, and ready to go long before you have a chance to move back over to your side of the bed.

Young, healthy men are interested in sex.

[They may not be interested in sex WITH YOU, but they are interested in sex.]

He goes on to say that most men that are in DINS (Dual Income No Sex) relationships, are "getting it elsewhere." This "elsewhere" apparently is from "pornographic women" who are available and undemanding.

Give me a break! Way to make a woman paranoid! Now I'm not a man, but I was married for 19 years, and I know, just like me, there were times my husband didn't want to have sex when it had nothing to do with me. (There were also plenty of times he did want to have sex when it had nothing to do with me.) I also have dated plenty of men of all ages with varying levels of libido. I absolutely do not buy into this guy's theory and think believing such a thing would be detrimental to a marriage.

Imagine if men were told that about women... Hey guys, every time your wife told you she was tired, she wasn't really tired... she just didn't want to have sex WITH YOU! She'd rather get her jollies from porn. And ladies... there's a night when you don't want to have sex? Well, you aren't healthy! That just isn't normal! (unless you're over 50).

I guess I wasn't the only person who was insulted by this portrayal. The comments on that piece included the a rebuttal from DivorceBuster's Michele Weiner-Davis.

As someone who is in the front lines with couples, I have grown increasingly aware that women have no corner on the low libido market. In fact, based on my clinical observations and casual conversations with colleagues, I’d say that low desire in men is America’s best kept secret. After all, in a culture where virility is inextricably connected with masculinity, why would any man want to broadcast his drop in desire?

Weiner-Davis' rebuttal article (which I found much more believable, not to mention articulate) also referenced findings from a Redbook survey:

Another myth-buster revealed by the survey was what women said were the causes for their husbands’ lack of desire. Contrary to popular belief that the only reason a man would turn down sex is because “his machinery isn’t working properly,” or their wives are extremely unattractive, this just isn’t so. Men, it seems, turn off to sex for many of the same reasons that their wives do- emotional disconnection, underlying resentment or unresolved problems, depression, stress and so on. In fact, one of the most common reasons men reject their wives’ advances is that they feel their wives are critical or bossy. Nagging simply isn’t an aphrodisiac.

It is interesting that I am completely insulted by the article written by the male and in agreement with the one written by the female. Is it because I'm a female?

Of course, I realize it's a sensitive topic. I wouldn't go around commenting about my libido on a blog (I save that for my book!) However, what is your experience? (Based, of course, on observations and what your friends tell you...) What's your reaction to these articles?

Side note: As I was searching for a photo for this post, I found yet another relevant article posted today: Why men don't want sex anymore. Check it out.

Mommy Bloggers Talk About Lust

Last week, my friend, Rebecca Mullen of Altared Spaces introduced me to a wonderful group of Mommy bloggers originating from a blog called Momalom. Right now Momalom is doing this "Five for Ten" campaign for bloggers. The idea is to spend five minutes for ten days reading and commenting on each others' blogs. Momalom provides the topics:

• May 10 & 11 -- Courage
• May 12 & 13 -- Happiness
• May 14 & 15 -- Memory
• May 16 & 17 -- Lust
• May 18 & 19 -- Yes

I haven't been participating until now. Leave it to me to jump in on a lust day! I was curious to know what exactly Mommy bloggers would write about lust. The topic is rather ... personal! As I know quite well from reactions about my book, there is an unspoken boundary between what is appropriate and what is TMI when it comes to openly sharing.

The more I read of the Mommy blogs, the more humbled I am. These women are so articulate... so poetic. Take a look at what Ali'n'Son wrote in Let's Talk About...

She starts with:

If you are a child from the 90s, you know where I’m going with this. Sex.
Yes, sex. *blush*

So, if you are one of my parents, in-laws or other family member you might want to just pass on by.

She says of lust: "A beautiful, soft, sensual word, often turned dirty, negative and well, just plain icky." And then she goes on to write the beautiful, soft sensual, poem, which you will just have to go over to her site to check out.

I know those mixed feeling about sex and lust... How can something be so beautiful, yet still have the power to make us feel ashamed or embarrassed? Why do we have to warn off family members from reading about our sensuality? We are mothers, we are professionals, we are (in some cases) geeks!, but we still are sensual human beings who long to be touched and loved and to return those feelings. Why is it so taboo to talk about that?

I, myself, have raised my eyebrows at sexual things that I've seen written in blogs. And even though I loved the HBO series, "Sex and the City," I felt that some of the Samantha-scenes went too far. What are the boundaries? Some people may not be comfortable with discussing the topic of sexual lust at all, especially not online. Why does it make us squirm? What makes something "Too Much Information"?

I was talking to my neighbor yesterday about how much is on TV these days that used to be taboo. On the Dick Van Dyke show, Laura and Rob had to have separate beds... These days you not only see married people in bed, but it's pretty common place to see all kinds of sexual adventures in mainstream media. It starts to make me wonder if I'm so old-fashioned to only want sex with love. Lust is wonderful, but when the other parts of love are missing... commitment, companionship, communication... well, it's kind of hard for me to get a very high reading on my internal lust-meter. And then I worry... Am I getting too old? Am I not "modern" enough? Am I too much of a prude?

Lust is a wonderful feeling. But for me, it's a relatively small part of the package. What I'm looking for is love. Without that, I can't seem to lust....

That is, unless I have a couple of good, strong margaritas! Then, nevermind.

What is your Sex Horoscope?

I have to admit, I don't really believe in any of this astrology stuff, but that doesn't stop me from reading my horoscope. I figured it would be particularly entertaining to find out what my "sex horoscope" had to say so I checked it out.

I'm a Pisces, so I figured my horoscope would be something fishy. Being compared to a fish in bed would not be particularly flattering. And kissing like a fish? No thank you. I could see maybe suggesting waterbeds or hot-tubs, but when I read what the Sex Horoscope had to say it had nothing to do with fish or water.

Here's what it says about Sex with Pisces:"Blah, blah, blah... Pisces are very good at, and love role play. Acting fully in their roles. They like to seduce... blah, blah, blah" (Execuse the blah, blah's, but unless you're a Pisces, you probably don't care about it and will want to go check out your own horoscope.)

I don't know about the blah, blah parts, but the role play thing is absolutely right about me! I DO like to role play! I like to play in general, especially when it involves dressing up. I could even see myself dressing up like a fish if I were challenged to do so (though a mermaid might be sexier.) Maybe there's something to this astrology thing after all...

Just for grins, I decided to try another site and I found this one in which I plug in the sign of the person I'd like to seduce! I wanted to find out what the object of my seduction would most appreciate if I were to seduce with role play.When I plugged in his sign the advice I was given was:

... look as scrumptious as possible whenever you're in your Scorpio's presence. They will appreciate natural sex appeal -- or what appears to be natural.

Scrumptious, eh? Perhaps a fish costume is in order after all... Which do you think is more scrumptious...shrimp or lobster? I think I'll go with lobster... Oh yeah. Mr. Scorpio, you are gonna be in for a seduction like none other. I bet you'll never even know what pinched ya!

My Yearly Sexual Encounter With Mr. Roboto

There are a lot of drama queens out there that will tell you mammograms are “horrible”. They'll tell you war stories about how their friend, Susan, was in the “squished” position when the power went out and she had to stand there “for hours” in unbearable pain. Some even have the nerve to compare this experience with childbirth.

After hearing these atrocities, I expected the worst when I went in for my first mammogram at age 40. I stood there, breast posed on the tray as the robotic spatula piece slowly made it's way down, ready to squish my middle-aged breast into a flattened pancake. Goodbye, sweet breast. You served me well through many a grope. The robot does its squeeze, and I proudly note that my breast size has increased. It's a 2 dimensional shape now, but it's stretched out past the first marked curve, almost making it to the second one. (It reminds me of those stretching exercises where you sit on the floor and see how far you can extend your fingers.) The technician tells me to hold my breath. Here it comes...that unbearable pain... She snaps her X-Ray, and the mechanical arm comes up. That's it? That's the unbearable pain that experienced mammogrammers are talking about? What wimps!

Clearly these women that scare mammogram-virgins with their stories are not comfortable with experimentation and sexual openness. For those of us that are single and don't have access to men who regularly fondling our breasts, the annual mammogram can provide a sexual adventure like none other.

Yesterday was the day. No deodorant allowed. It's OK. Mr. Roboto and I enjoy our natural scents. I wore the hospital gown parted down the middle, just hinting of the breasts beneath. I opened the gown slowly and the technician gently cupped my breast, placing it gingerly on the tray as the robot enjoyed this bit of foreplay. He, of course, was immediately turned on and started coming down on me.

“Hold your breath so I can get a good picture” the technician advised. I did as told, keeping quiet, squelching my urges to moan. I whispered a quiet “oooh...that hurt so good” under my breath once the arm started lifting. Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto. We got into several different positions, doing “it” at different angles, the photographer guiding us through every shot. I worked the camera, knowing my breasts were being handled by a professional.

The session was over too soon. The technician went out to check the proofs while I had a quiet moment with Mr. Roboto. Still flustered from our sexy photo shoot, I was tempted to disrobe entirely and wrap myself around his steely pole. But I felt chilly and somehow, the machine seemed distant. It's funny how one moment he can be squeezing my breasts...the next he's just sitting there, uncommunicative and cold. I had a moment of melancholy. I was just another pair of breasts to him...he'll feel thousands before he touches mine again.

“Would you like to be my Mr. December?” I ask him. He sits there, saying nothing and I wonder if he cares about me at all. Machines....

The technician comes back and tells me the photos are good and I'm free to go.

Even though the robot is immobile, I know he is a complex being. It's not his fault that he has no life. It's not like he can run off to see the wizard like the Tin Man.

Even if I mean nothing to him, I will savor the sweet experience of our yearly rendezvous. He may not love me, but I know he's looking out for me and some day, may even save my life. Each relationship is different and we have to love it for what it is.

Goodbye you hunky robot. I'll see you next year.