Now, though it may be a generalization, I'd say it's relatively common for men to be less interested in discussing relationships and feelings. There certainly are exceptions. I've had a few short relationships with guys who were very communicative about their feelings. Overly so. For example, there was one guy who I really liked until we got into the 'making out' stage of the relationship. His kisses were very "wet." (I'm not really sure how to describe this, but I had a strong urge to wash my face directly after the kissing.) He also kept his eyes open during kissing. Presumably my body language gave away my less-than-ideal reaction, and he wanted to talk about it. I absolutely did NOT want to talk about it. He called me from his car on his way home from a date, wanting to talk about our relationship. I thought to myself, "So this is what it feels like to be on the other side... I will never again pressure a guy to talk about a relationship..."
Dating coach Nicole Johnson recently wrote an article called: "Testosterone: Why Men Don't Understand What Woman Want," in which she talks about some of the basic differences between the way men and women communicate.
Men can make modifications, but will never react or communicate on your level. They do not possess our emotional or verbal prowess. (Even men with PhDs and MDs are inept.) The majority of male energy is focused on burgers and blow jobs.
They are not thinking about honing their emotional or communicative capabilities. Women need to accept this reality, and take responsibility for putting UNNECESSARY pressure on men.
Again, I think this is a generalization, and I've met plenty of men who communicate very well, just differently. The men I've loved, including my ex-husband and father, have had two things in common: 1) they were very intelligent and liked to talk about intellectual subjects 2) they were uncomfortable speaking about emotions... especially negative emotions. They typically would rather avoid having a conversation than confront a problem.
But as I examine my own communication styles, I realize I am not really that different. I love talking about subjects that are "comfortable" and I enjoy talking about relationships, but I avoid conversations which I'm afraid might hurt someone. When I think back about the relationships I've had where I wasn't into it as much as the guy was, I was the one who was not very communicative. I guess one difference, however, is that in those situations, I would usually let the guy know, in hopefully a diplomatic way, that it just wasn't working out for me... so at least I would have that conversation.
In any case, I agree with Nicole in that we cannot expect men to communicate like women... and actually, when they do, I find it a little annoying. I also think it's not fair for me to expect a man to explain why he's not into me unless he wants to be in the relationship. I'm not sure I even want to hear the reasons.
But if we've been in a marriage or long-term relationship, it would be good to have some explanation when one person wants out. I went through months of agony trying to figure out why my husband stopped loving me when he wanted a divorce. It turns out he was in love with someone else, but I didn't find that out for several months. Now I'm sure there were plenty of problems or things about me that irritated him and maybe even drove him to look for someone different. I didn't really need to hear every detail about what he didn't love about me or what he did love about the new woman. But it would have been nice for him to at least clue me in a little about what was going on with him instead of such an abrupt end to our marriage with no explanation or communication.
This isn't necessarily gender specific. A male friend of mine told me recently that he'd been dating a woman who just "disappeared" with no explanation. He called and emailed her several times, but she hasn't responded. It's this kind of disappearing act that can be so hurtful.
So, in summary, here's what I've concluded:
- People usually like to talk about stuff they know about.
- People don't usually like to talk about stuff that might hurt or anger someone else.
- If you're breaking up with someone, give them some explanation, but there's no need to go into details about all their character flaws
- I'm not attracted to sloppy kissers