Friday, December 30, 2005

Party of Two at Party of One

Last night I went to see a cute musical, Party of One, in Denver.  There wasn’t really a story line, just a series of songs about being single.  The lyrics were for the most part funny and very fitting, especially for we 40-something singles.  It was similar to “I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change”, another funny musical about relationships that I highly recommend:

I actually was enjoying the play as a “party of two”, partaking in a rare date with my latest potential.  I will call him M.  I rarely write about actual dates on my blog.  I’m concerned about who might be reading.  Should I reveal my most intimate thoughts and secrets to the world (including people that know me!)?  Sometimes I don’t even reveal these things to myself!  I wonder if Carrie, from Sex in the City, isn’t a bit self-conscious about writing about her feelings, knowing her boyfriend, past lovers, and friends are probably reading all about it.  Did she really want Aidan to learn of her commitment confusions via her column?  

But with the New Year, comes a new resolve: openness and honesty and TMI and any tactics needed to make my blog more readable.   Plus, M said I was free to write whatever I wanted and he wouldn’t read it unless I specifically invited him. With this in mind, I reserve the right to add fictional content for the purpose of making my blog entertaining.  If you’re someone I know and reading this and surprised by something, don’t believe it! I made it all up!

M and I have been out 5 times, which is 4 times more than the vast majority of guys I met through  This is what I would call my second “Dating Experience” since my breakup from FB.  By the time you go out 5 times, you do start to wonder what the deal is.  Exactly how does the other person feel about you and how do you feel about them? M and I seem to be on the same notch of the commitment scale which I would describe as somewhere between nonchalant and needy, probably closer to the nonchalant side.  We are both very busy with kids, work, and life, so our 5 dates have been over a span of about 2 months.  We email or call occasionally, but do not get into deep, intimate discussions about our feelings for one another.  I know M is still on and I did a little check the other day and saw that he was “active within 24 hours” (meaning he’d at least logged on to the site.)  Although I’m not on match anymore myself or dating anyone else, I’m more worried by my own lack of commitment than M’s.

When you’re on “the rebound” typically it equates to the “needy” side of that commitment scale.  You’re relatively desperate to be reassured of your desirability and tend to move too fast.  You’re vulnerable and any hint of rejection sends you into a tailspin.  That’s what happened to me after my divorce.  My relationship with FB was undeniably a rebound relationship of that variety.  But now, after my breakup with him, I seem to be on the other side of the scale, approaching commitment-phobia.  My ventures into single land have been exciting and fun and offered me some great opportunities for potential dates and mates.  I just have gotten scared off at the thought of another committed relationship.  And I’m not talking just about exclusivity.  I’m talking about wanting to be with that person whenever you can, thinking about them, loving them, giving up the thought of “someone else” that might come along or an ex that might return. I don’t know if it’s that I just haven’t met the right person, if I’m scared of heartbreak, or if I’m still not over FB.  But I do think commitment is necessary in a relationship and it worries me that I seem to lack it.  Unfortunately, the first commandment of my moral code of ethics states: “Thou shalt not have sex outside of a committed relationship” so if I don’t get over this commitment-phobia thing fairly soon, it may be a long winter, or worse yet, a lonely life.

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