Junk Food, Fun, and Funking Off

I admit it. I've been in a huge funk for the last couple of months. It's probably been apparent in my lack of blogging and my general malaise or seriousness in most of what I write. There used to be a time when I made an annoying pun with practically every sentence. I used to flirt with just about everyone I met, regardless of their gender, age, or availability. I used to laugh at stupid stuff, enjoy silliness, make up games for everything, and fill my house with cheesy decorations for every occasion.

I figure today is a good day to really snap out of the funk, because today is the day we celebrate my brother, Chris. He would have been 49 today. One of Chris' best traits is that he was "fun." I can't ever remember him being in a bad mood. He was known for how laid-back he was... nothing could ruffle his feathers. He died in a car accident at the age of 35, but in that short life he lived more than most of us ever will. Always full of energy, he was up for anything. On both his birthday (today) and the day he died (May 30... Memorial Day!), we celebrate with memories and traditions.

One of the traditions on "Uncle Chris Day" is to eat junk food. When Chris visited, he would fill my pantry with unhealthy snacks so he'd have stuff to munch on. I used to bug him about this as I had to ward off my own children from food that was off-limits to them. But now on September 28th (OK...maybe on a few other occassions, too) we don't worry about eating the "healthy" thing, but enjoy steak or pizza and Hostess HoHos in Chris' memory. We remember to savor sweet tastes, soak in the sunshine, and smile at strangers.

So, today is a day to "Funk Off!" (How's that for the annoying pun?) I will get back to my regular blogging and overuse of exclamation marks! I will resume inappropriate flirtations with everyone I meet! I will fill my house with witches that cackle, skeletons that glow, and ghosts that drive everyone crazy with their screams... but only after filling up on junk food!

My heart has been so heavy with sadness. But today I remember how Chris never brought us down with sadness. Of course, if he'd been alive to experience his death, we would have seen how chipper he would have been! But, we all knew he would have figured out a way to keep his humor, even in the face of death. He actually had a hearse that he'd made into a "party car" with a massive stereo system and a vanity plate that said DOA. It was center stage at his memorial service, blasting rock & roll music, as we all danced and remembered what life was all about.

21 Ways to Be Happy and 14,000 Things to Be Happy About

Last month, I was blogging about chapters from Gretchen Rubin's book, The Happiness Project. As part of that project, I started watching for articles and blog posts about happiness, and I'm happy to report, there have been a lot! I came across one on BeliefNet today:

21 Simple Ways to Be Happy

Now I've modified the list a bit.. For example, #6 in the article was listed as "Expect a Miracle." I don't really like to "expect" good things, but rather "find" good thing unexpectedly! The article has a photo and little summary of each, but below is the quick list:

1. Be Your Own BFF
2. Smile, Giggle, Laugh
3. Warm socks
4. Sing out loud
5. Eat Dark Chocolate (in moderation)
6. Notice good things each day (modified from "Expect a Miracle")
7. Meditate, Pray, Chant
8. Laugh at your shortcomings
9. Sleep
10. Make gratitude a habit
11. Wake up early with happy thoughts
12. Enjoy at least 20 minutes of sunlight
13. Think, read, say, sing Positive Affirmations
14. Pat yourself on the back when you do something good
15. Surround yourself with happy, positive people
16. Watch plants grow
17. Have some "quiet time" to "just be" (No TV, magazines, or Internet!)
18. Set goals and take action!
19. Accept what you can't change
20. Take a 10-minute nap to rejuvenate
21. Love everything - yourself, your friends, your enemies

I think these are great reminders. I especially like #21 -- Love, love, love!!

But this is just a start!

I remember perusing the book 14,000 Things to Be Happy About several years ago, just FILLED with all kinds of little things! Here are some examples from a random page:

• eight hours of sleep
• making snow angels
• paintboxes
• building a bed frame
• spinach and sour-cream omelets
• an idyllic quiet broken only by the ripple of stirring water...
• stickpins

As Gretchen Rubin mentions several times in her book, each of us are unique and we have different things that make us happy, so my list would be different from your list. Every day we can add to that list as we notice things that bring us happiness.

What's something that would be on your list today?

Book Club: Money - Buy Some Happiness

In the seventh chapter of The Happiness Journal, Gretchen Rubin describes the relationship between money and happiness. Though money can't buy happiness, it can buy things that will lead to happiness. And, speaking from personal experience, when we aren't bringing in income, it can lead to major stress!

I have thought a lot about the relationship between money and happiness recently. Most of my life, I haven't had to worry at all about finances. Both my husband and I had great jobs in high tech. In 1999, if you looked at all our stock options, we were downright rich. Then came the dot bomb era and all our stock options were worth nothing. No big deal. I only thought of it as "funny money." Next was the divorce. I lost a husband and my financial security. I bought him out of the house and still had all the bills with a third of the income. But I still had a good job. I tried not to panic. Then the stock market dropped and I lost a major chunk of retirement savings, along with the rest of the world. The final kicker was last summer when I lost my job. This time I started to panic. I couldn't even get low paying jobs because the employers figured I'd keep looking. I did end up getting a job that is half the salary of my old job so I'm no longer panicked, but I'm definitely a lot less wealthy than I once was.

While I was unemployed, I did some serious thinking about what it was like to have no money. Every time I turned around there was an expense and a finite amount of cash. Food, housing, utilities, transportation. I became obsessed with spending as little money as possible. Of course, I could have survived for quite a long time... I had savings and even a severance. But I got a little taste of how scary this is for people that don't have those resources! This wasn't about happiness, it was about basic security!

While I was unemployed, I had a goal to find something that didn't cost money that made me happy each day and I found a lot: hikes, picnics, time with friends, playing, learning, biking. There was a huge world to enjoy. But I was always worried about money. I never had a sense of security so it was hard to feel completely happy.

Now that I'm working again, it's much easier to be happy. I don't spend as much on "stuff" but more on experiences. Even though I'm making a lot less than I used to, I'm making a whole lot more than nothing, so I often feel rich. I have more compassion for the unemployed and I don't take financial security for granted any more. In many ways, I'd say I'm happier now, making a lot less money, than I was when I was "rich." Sometimes it takes losing something to realize it's worth. It's not the money as much as the security.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents. (I'd spend more, but I've become very cheap!)

What do others have to say?

It just so happens, in my Google Alerts for Happiness today, I found two articles about money and happiness: Money Doesn't Buy Happiness, But a Trip Might and Finding Happiness Along the Way to Long-Term Financial Goals.

How about you? What are your thoughts about money and happiness?

Book Club: Remember Love

This month we are reviewing The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin in the Lessons of Love Virtual Book Club. Today's topic is Chapter 2: Remember Love.

Since the purpose of this book club is to learn all about love, I was particularly interested in how this chapter might tie together happiness and love. Can you have one without the other?

Gretchen wrote mostly of "married love." I was married for 19 years and I recognized many of the things she described... the familiar place we reach with our spouse where we start to take them for granted. Gretchen's goals for the month included

• Quit nagging.


• Don't expect praise or appreciation.


• Fight right.


• No dumping.


• Give proofs of love.

Most of her examples were stories about her relationship with her husband, Jamie. She also shared a story of planning a birthday party for her mother-in-law, but even in that story, the relationship she continued to explore was that with her husband. She talked a lot of wanting a "gold star" of recognition and was particularly pleased when Jamie surprised her with a necklace to thank her for all her efforts in planning his mother's party.

Giving and getting love from a spouse is a luxury that I don't have right now. That lack of intimacy has been one of the most difficult things to accept of my single status. The quest to find love was the biggest reason for my own experiment, documented in The Laptop Dancer Diaries - A Mostly True Story About Looking for Love Again.

It's funny how the ups and downs we have with love exist, whether we are single or married, but in such different ways. When we are single, a new relationship can bring the thrills of early love. We have the fantasies and tingles. But we also have insecurities. And those of us that are divorced have "baggage." Many of us had had our hearts broken so deeply or so often that we are very cautious about loving again. Still we try. We go through the motions of chit-chat and dating, wishing we could skip over that and just move to that familiar mature love of marriage.

But our married friends have their problems with love, too. There are compromises that must be made. There are annoyances that are inevitable when you live with someone. I know there are many people who feel very lonely in their marriages. I would prefer to be single than to be in a bad marriage. Of course, the chapter also reminded me of many of the joys of marriage. Finding creative and fun ways to show your love, giving each other strokes, having a partner who you can share your day with.

For the first few years following my divorce, I felt that I could only be fully happy if I were married again. Without a husband, I felt unloved and incomplete. I somehow needed a spouse to prove to myself that I was loveable. If it wasn't a "spouse," I needed at least to be in a relationship. If I didn't have some sort of boyfriend or partner, it felt like I didn't have love.

But I have learned that there are so many people in the world that will accept my love and will give me some back in return. I have parents, kids, siblings and friends who I can show "proofs of love" as Gretchen calls them. In many ways, being single has allowed me to expand my friendships and connections and find and share love with so many more people than I'd be able to if I were married. It's different from the married love that she describes, but it's love.

This article from Psychology Today says that some people are happier than others, but marriage does not seem to be a factor. That is my experience as well. There were times in my marriage when I was happy and times when I was not, just as there have been times since my divorce that I was happy and times I was not. Overall, it probably all averages out to about the same.

I feel love is a huge part of happiness. They are intertwined. As a single Mom, my goals related to love would be different from Gretchen's, but I still would focus very much on love in my own Happiness Project. Perhaps my goals might be:

• Remember birthdays and holidays, putting extra effort into personal gifts for loved ones


• Share emotional intimacy with my close friends by dinners, walks, phone calls, etc


• Be open to accepting new people into my life, always looking for something to love about them


• Don't be afraid to show love to friends, even when you aren't interested in romance

Whatever our relationship status, we all need to give and receive love. What are your personal love goals that will bring you more happiness?

Book Club: Preparing for The Happiness Project

I'm really excited about the start of my new Lessons of Love Virtual Book Club. I've documented everything in a new static page, so that I can continue to advertise it. For bloggers that want to get started, here's the topic list and schedule:

June Book: The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin

• Tu June 1 Vitality Boost Energy
• Th June 3 Marriage - Remember Love
• Su June 6 Work - Aim Higher
• Tu June 8 Parenthood - Lighten Up
• Th June 10 Leisure - Be Serious About Play
• Su June 13 Friendship - Make Time for Friends
• Tu June 15 Money - Buy Some Happiness
• Th June 17 Eternity - Contemplate the Heavens
• Su June 20 Books - Pursue a Passion
• Tu June 22 Mindfulness - Pay Attention
• Th June 24 Attitude - Keep a Contented Heart
• Su June 27 Happiness - Boot Camp Perfect
• Tu June 29 Book Review and Learnings

And, guess what? I got a couple of emails from Gretchen Rubin, herself! I'd let her know what I was doing and she emailed me back and included a "Tips Sheet Thank You" ... a .pdf file filled with tips for happiness. If any of you want me to pass it along, leave a comment in the blog or send me an email at yvette.francino@gmail.com.

I asked Gretchen if I could send her a copy of The Laptop Dancer Diaries, and though she couldn't promise a review, she did say she'd accept it and sent me the address to send it to! She really is an amazing woman. I'm sure she must get so much email every day, yet she keeps on top of it. On her Website, she offered free a free bookplate which I took her up on and she already sent me an email to tell me it's in the mail.

I've also found a couple of other resources for happiness. There just is so much available on the Web that it's hard to keep up with it all.

• Here's a Happiness Project Reading Group Guide
• Here's a Happiness Network called Happiness Inside. This group also has a Virtual Book Club and they already reviewed The Happiness Project, so if you'd like to read what they had to say, once you join their network, you can read about it here.
• Here's another happiness blog by Michele Moore - Make Happiness Your Habit

So much Happiness out there! That makes me.... well... Happy!

Come Join the Virtual Book Club About Love

I love books. I love book clubs. I love books about love. Put that all together and it seems obvious what I need: A book club about love books!

I was going to start a new Meetup, but I thought: Why limit this club to only people in the area? It would be great to do it virtually and get participation from people all over the world!

This will be great research for my next book: Lessons of Love from a Laptop Dancer. Research about love topics will be so much more fun if I can discuss the topics with people and get your thoughts and stories.

So, here's how I envision it working:

I'll have a schedule of books that will be reviewed and discussed. If you are interested in the book, join in the discussion! There are three ways to join in the discussion:

* Subscribe to and comment on the Lessons of Love from a Laptop Dancer blog
* Join and comment on the Laptop Dancer Diaries Facebook Page
* Write your own blog post about the topic being discussed and leave a link, either on the blog, the Facebook page, or both.

The first book I want to review is The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin starting June 1, 2010. Even though it's about Happiness, rather than Love, I think the two are related. I also am using Gretchen and her wildly successful book as a model for how to write and market a book about an emotion. She researched Happiness and I'm researching Love. Her writing style is different from mine -- my book will be less academic and sillier -- but I really respect her work and her success. Maybe we can even get her to comment on the blog!

So, if you know people that might be interested, spread the word! Here's a short post that can be used to Tweet:

Join Virtual Book Club. First book: The Happiness Project starting June 1:http://bit.ly/dnBQo3

Looking forward to it!

The Happiness Project and it's success

This week's "Love Website" is The Happiness Project website by Gretchen Rubin. I discovered Gretchen and her website last summer as I was exploring happiness in the midst of my unemployment days. I'm rather proud that I blogged about her, "Facebook friended" her, and even had an email exchange way back before her book was published and now it's a number one best seller!

This morning as I was perusing the results of my Google Alerts search for "happiness" I came across this article that says that Crown will be paying $1M for her next book, Happier at Home. Wow! I know money isn't happiness, but I bet there's some celebrating going on in her household right now.

The article notes that, Gretchen Rubin got started on her happiness project "by writing a blog with the intention of spending a year test-driving studies and theories about how to be happier."

I bought the book and it's a good self-help type of book exploring different areas of happiness. Gretchen took a theme each month and focused on that theme. For example, in January, her theme was "boost energy" and she focused and wrote about getting more sleep. Her February theme is "Remembering Love" and explores ways in which she focused on being a better wife. The months continue with her thoughts on happiness in many areas: work, parenthood, leisure, friendship, money, eternity, books, mindfulness, and attitude. Gretchen notes that we each have our own things that bring us happiness and encourages everyone to create their own customized happiness project.

As I noted once before, I'd rather have love than happiness, but certainly happiness seems to be a component of love, so my thinking is love is happiness, mixed in with a bunch of other rather complicated emotions. I'd call it Happiness+.

The article also says, "Ms. Rubin continues writing the blog, which has become its own phenomenon, and is widely considered a textbook example of how to build an audience for a book in the digital age."

Ah ha! I'm totally going to copy Gretchen Rubin's idea except my blog/book/project will be The LOVE Project. I already documented my year of learning about love in The Laptop Dancer Diaries, which also just happens to be split into month-by-month "lessons of love" (yeah... I'll call them that.) Now I just have to get in touch with Crown and get my million dollars!

Would You Really Want ONLY Happiness?

OK, even though I said I wasn't going to blog any more about The Power of Now, today I came across THE H WORD:There Is Nothing Better Than Happiness For Mother's Day in the Huffington Post. This article is very Power-of-Now-ish, encouraging us to live in the present and beware of thinking and ego.

The article reminds us that it's not intelligence or "thinking" that brings us happiness with this story of a developmentally challenged child:

"Let's go back for a moment to people who are severely challenged due to mental developmental issues. A friend was recently sharing with me about his daughter who is sixteen. At the time of her birth, doctors told him that she would not live very long. A severe medical complication would not allow her to develop any mental capacity beyond that of a three or four month old baby.

My friend is always telling me about how incredibly happy his daughter is ~ always smiling, laughing, just in the moment. She never projects off into the future or gets stuck in a past event, unable to experience the present moment freely. She never has an attachment to any outcome. She does not experience life through the "should have," "could have," "would have" or "better have" filter. "

Yet, would any of us choose to have the mental capacity of a baby, even knowing we would always be genuinely happy? Would we choose that for our children?

Life is full of ups and downs, bad and good, happy and sad. That's what makes it life! Could we really have happy without ever having sad? Well, there are times when, hopefully, we do have pure in-the-moment happiness that we get just from our present sensations. I'm not knocking that. But what about the happiness that we get from overcoming hardship? What about all the pride we feel from achieving life-long dreams? What about the beauty of love shared with another person? What about the gratefulness we feel for the miracles of life?

I want more than only "in the moment" happiness. The other type... the type that involves the past, the future, or our egos, usually means we experience other emotions, too... grief, sadness, fear, loneliness, anger. And as heart-breaking as it is to grieve, experiencing grief is not possible without having experienced love. My goal is to maximize happiness in my life. But I believe that going through painful emotions are part of what help us discover happiness.

The article says, "Happiness. It is the No. 1 thing we all want." I don't agree.

The No. 1 think I want is Love. I can't define it (yet) but it's more than happiness. It's all our confusing emotions bundled together coming out in the end with a feeling of awe and joy and wonder at this miraculous thing we have: life! It's God. It's indescribable. It's... Love!