Friday, December 30, 2005

Party of Two at Party of One

Last night I went to see a cute musical, Party of One, in Denver.  There wasn’t really a story line, just a series of songs about being single.  The lyrics were for the most part funny and very fitting, especially for we 40-something singles.  It was similar to “I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change”, another funny musical about relationships that I highly recommend:

I actually was enjoying the play as a “party of two”, partaking in a rare date with my latest potential.  I will call him M.  I rarely write about actual dates on my blog.  I’m concerned about who might be reading.  Should I reveal my most intimate thoughts and secrets to the world (including people that know me!)?  Sometimes I don’t even reveal these things to myself!  I wonder if Carrie, from Sex in the City, isn’t a bit self-conscious about writing about her feelings, knowing her boyfriend, past lovers, and friends are probably reading all about it.  Did she really want Aidan to learn of her commitment confusions via her column?  

But with the New Year, comes a new resolve: openness and honesty and TMI and any tactics needed to make my blog more readable.   Plus, M said I was free to write whatever I wanted and he wouldn’t read it unless I specifically invited him. With this in mind, I reserve the right to add fictional content for the purpose of making my blog entertaining.  If you’re someone I know and reading this and surprised by something, don’t believe it! I made it all up!

M and I have been out 5 times, which is 4 times more than the vast majority of guys I met through  This is what I would call my second “Dating Experience” since my breakup from FB.  By the time you go out 5 times, you do start to wonder what the deal is.  Exactly how does the other person feel about you and how do you feel about them? M and I seem to be on the same notch of the commitment scale which I would describe as somewhere between nonchalant and needy, probably closer to the nonchalant side.  We are both very busy with kids, work, and life, so our 5 dates have been over a span of about 2 months.  We email or call occasionally, but do not get into deep, intimate discussions about our feelings for one another.  I know M is still on and I did a little check the other day and saw that he was “active within 24 hours” (meaning he’d at least logged on to the site.)  Although I’m not on match anymore myself or dating anyone else, I’m more worried by my own lack of commitment than M’s.

When you’re on “the rebound” typically it equates to the “needy” side of that commitment scale.  You’re relatively desperate to be reassured of your desirability and tend to move too fast.  You’re vulnerable and any hint of rejection sends you into a tailspin.  That’s what happened to me after my divorce.  My relationship with FB was undeniably a rebound relationship of that variety.  But now, after my breakup with him, I seem to be on the other side of the scale, approaching commitment-phobia.  My ventures into single land have been exciting and fun and offered me some great opportunities for potential dates and mates.  I just have gotten scared off at the thought of another committed relationship.  And I’m not talking just about exclusivity.  I’m talking about wanting to be with that person whenever you can, thinking about them, loving them, giving up the thought of “someone else” that might come along or an ex that might return. I don’t know if it’s that I just haven’t met the right person, if I’m scared of heartbreak, or if I’m still not over FB.  But I do think commitment is necessary in a relationship and it worries me that I seem to lack it.  Unfortunately, the first commandment of my moral code of ethics states: “Thou shalt not have sex outside of a committed relationship” so if I don’t get over this commitment-phobia thing fairly soon, it may be a long winter, or worse yet, a lonely life.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

You Goal Girl!

I'm a very goal-oriented person. In fact, that's what got me into this blog business to begin with. Like millions of others, I have a "life goal" to write a book. Nevermind that the extent of my writing primarily consists of answering my email. In my defense, I have an email addiction which might actually qualify me as a writer...if qualifications were based on how much time one spends writing emails. However, the quantity of writing says nothing of quality, and that has been lacking. In 2005, I've made some half-hearted attempts to get more serious, beginning with submitting some essays to magazine publishers, starting the blog, and taking a 4-week continuing education class about freelance writing. I still haven't gotten anything officially published (at least for pay) but I did have a publisher from an errotica eZine ask to publish one of my essays for $10, so technically, I could have been published. I choose to pass on the offer, thinking getting published first in an errotica eZine is kind of like starting your dance career as a stripper. I didn't need the $10 that badly. And while I have nothing against tasteful errotica, I wouldn't consider that to be my genre of writing by any stretch of the imagination.

Back to goals. As any goal-minded person knows, you've gotta break your big goals down into more manageable goals. January 1rst is a big day for goal-freaks like me. I have to break my big life goals into yearly goals. Then, being really serious and somewhat weird, I even have monthly goals and have a little "New Month's Eve" party on the last day of each month with the ritual of setting monthly goals aligned with my yearly goals. [I'm a manager, so I do these things.] I did that last year until July when I broke up with FB (Former Boyfriend, Fart Boy--we'll cover the F-Buddy topic at another time). Then I got in a big funk and stopped doing my New Month's Eve celebrations (too many memories of the midnight goal-setting sessions with FB) but now I'm ready to get back on track!

So, what's on the "list" for 2006? Well, I think I'll focus on these 4 categories:
- Relationships / Love (not necessarily of the romantic variety)
- Writing
- Fitness / Health
- Personal Growth

I'll fill you in on my yearly/monthly goals in future blog entries, but for the writing there will have to be something about how many people I can get to actually read my blog. Now that I've used the word "errotica" several times, it will surely attract those that are looking for such words in search engines, bumping up my numbers, but, hey, sometimes you gotta use some dirty (as in tastefully errotic) tactics to meet your goals.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

New Home for My Blog

I'm new in this neighborhood. I've been experimenting with blogging for the past few months at: which is a blog about the ups and downs of being single in your 40's. I'm reading an excellent book that is a compilation of outstanding essays put together by Jan Ganahl: Single Woman of a Certain Age. I highly recommend it for any single woman over 40.

I'm switching blog sites for a few reasons, one of them being that it looks like this site allows for reader's comments. I know from my site meter that my current blog has it's share of readers, but there wasn't a way to comment for each entry. I'd really like more interaction and to hear feedback and ideas from others!

With 2006 around the corner, my resolve to write more is strong! My love life is not that exciting...I almost named this blog "No Sex in the Suburbs"...but I'll try to throw a few juicy postings in once in awhile. After researching how strangers were finding my current blog, it appears a good number of them were searching on the word "errotica". It just so happened that I did use that word once in my blog, but I'm afraid the content was a far cry from errotica. More appropriate keywords would be: relationships, midlife, single, parenting, dating, divorced and... lonely? well, hopefully, that word is showing up less and less often.