Soul Searching or Soul Mate Searching?

Sleep and Mood have improved immensely since my last blog entry and with no drugs! Yahoo! Maybe all the self-help stuff is sinking in. Or maybe I'm just finally "over" FB...kind of. We're still friends and I'm still attracted to him, but I have stopped feeling hurt that he is thoughtless and not "in love" with me. I think having been hit first with a husband that divorced me because he wasn't "in love" with me and then having a boyfriend that was not "in love" with me, just left me in this very vulnerable state of feeling that no one would ever be "in love" with me. And....maybe my days of being "in love" myself are over. That's sad, but life is not over. In fact, being "in love" is temporary, but "loving" is permanent and it's something you can do with everyone. I do not want to give up on romantic love, but I have come to accept (at least for today) that I may not find a "soul mate". I did do some "soul searching" and put together a plan for finding romantic love. Through the thought process, I have come to the conclusion that I can find a lot of the perks of romantic love through loving myself, my family, friends, and God. Here's my plan:

What do I want from Romantic Love?:
- Feeling desirable and desiring someone else
- Being with someone that I enjoy
- Physical Intimacy
- Emotional Intimacy
- Someone to share romantic experiences with
- Someone I can spoil with attention
- Companionship
- Comfort
- A sense of peace and emotional security
- Someone I can count on
- Someone who cares about me

Many of these things I can get by loving myself or loving others.

Plan to find romantic love:

1) Love self:

- Do things that make me happy
Goals
Read
Exercise / Eat well / Take care of myself
Enjoy beauty, life, people
Find passion / Learn something new
Journaling

- Look my best / dress well / take care with makeup, etc

- Foster spirituality. Get closer to God. Find romance within.

Contributes to fulfilling:
- Feeling desirable (by feeling good about myself)
- Emotional Intimacy (with self through journaling)
- Someone to share romantic experiences with (self)
- Someone I can spoil with attention (self)
- Comfort
- A sense of peace and emotional security



2) Love others:

- Spend quality time with family

- Foster friendships
eCards
invite people over at least once a month
have lunch with friends
Practice good listening skills

- Help those in need
Volunteer opportunities
Help friends with whatever they need

- Spend time with FB but don't have any expectations
Don't take his lack of attention personally
Be as intimate with him as what I want and feels comfortable

- Find friends that I enjoy with no worries of physical relationship
- Open up and share my personal feelings with others.
- Don't be afraid to touch...hug, hold, show I care through touch
- Make at least one new friend a month

Contributes to fulfilling:
- Someone that I enjoy being with
- Physical Intimacy
- Emotional Intimacy
- Someone to share romantic experiences with
- Someone I can spoil with attention
- Companionship
- Comfort
- A sense of peace and emotional security
- Someone I can count on
- Someone who cares about me


3) Look for opportunities to find romantic love

- Try to do at least one new social thing a month with a friend
- Look for classes to take that I enjoy
- Go Dancing
- Spend time to explore singles event opportunities

Contributes to fulfilling:
- Feeling desirable (or not)
- Companionship

Depresomnia

Insomnia and depression seem to go together. The question is, is it depression that's causing the insomnia or insomnia that's causing the depression? I think, in my case it's the insomnia that's causing the depression. However, I can't get rid of the insomnia. I have tried all the remedies, natural, homeopathic, herbal, over-the-counter, and prescription. The prescription drugs work best. Even with those, I normally wake up around 5:30 or 6:00, but that's much better that 2:00 or 3:00. And, of course, they're considered addictive, so my prescription is limited. I have been using the pills sparingly, only taking them on nights when I've gone several nights in a row with barely any sleep. I keep hoping that if I can just get my body into the habit of sleeping again, it will cooperate.

The doctor gave me a prescription for Prozac as well, saying the insomnia was most likely caused by depression. I did an experiment and decided to just take the sleeping pills without the Prozac. Sure enough, when I got more sleep I wasn't depressed at all. I was in a wonderful mood! Prozac, Schmozac...no need for that! I was dancing in the street, I was so happy!

Then, in an effort to "save the sleeping pills" I don't take them, and go right back into my no-sleep-mode. Suddenly, I'm crying at nothing, feeling lonely and sad and unjustifiably rejected. I'm experiencing the classic signs of depression and thinking "Maybe I do need the Prozac." "Aren't mood swings a sign of depression?" "Isn't it depressed people that resist the notion of being depressed?" "Yes", I convince myself, "I'm suffering from depression!" and then I get depressed about that, because I know that I have nothing to be depressed about.

I break down and take a sleeping pill, get sleep, and am happy again. Happy at feeling rested. Rested enough to exercise and to be productive and to enjoy people. And I am convinced that I am not suffering from depression. And the cycle continues.

Right now, I'm thinking I should just try the Prozac and see if that helps. Unfortunately, it takes a few weeks before it kicks in. And even when it does, it's aim is to cure my depression, not my insomnia. In fact, insomnia can be one of the side affects! I know what will cure my depression...it's not Prozac, it's sleep.