Race for the Cure

This morning Scotty and I ran the Race for the Cure 5K at the Pepsi Center. I think they said there were over 67,000 people! This is the first year we did this race and everything went amazingly well. No wait for busses or porta-pottys or registration! This race was really much more about support of victims of breast cancer rather than about running. Pink ribbons and balloons were all over the place...not to mention pink boas, pink T-shirts, pink hats, and pink costumes. I told Scotty he should have worn the pink pajamas we bought him yesterday in preparation for his Halloween Energizer Bunny costume.

I have a couple of friends who's mothers are victims of breast cancer. One of my friends wrote a few days ago that her mother learned the cancer is progressing. She'll be going through one more intensive chemotherapy round of treatments. The crowds were full of survivors and those celebrating and supporting victims of breast cancer. As I looked at the crowds, I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the health my family and I are currently experiencing. We have not had to endure cancer in our family at all. I saw the strength and courage of the survivors, saw so many tributes and "in memories of" Moms, Grandmothers, wives, daughters, sisters, friends. And although breast cancer is more rare in men, I know they are not immune.

So today I'm grateful for the comraderie I felt as we ran through the streets. I'm grateful for the bands that filled the streets with music and the volunteers that made the event such a success. I'm grateful my incredible kid, Scotty, who got up at 6am to go run this with me, always full of smiles and energy. And I'm very grateful for health. For the families that are struggling with breast cancer, my thoughts and prayers are with you today.

Beautiful Fall Day

I want to start a new tradition with my blogging. It might veer away from the "single again" theme, but I want to upload a weekly photo and write about my week and what I'm grateful for.

Today the weather was absolutely gorgeous and I had a beautiful hike in Boulder with my friend, Genet. The leaves were changing colors and the sky was this beautiful blue against the Colorado mountains. It was absolutely one of the most perfect hikes I've ever been on. The air smelled fragrant and the colors were stunning.

And, of course, what made the hike especially enjoyable was Genet. She's such a classy, intelligent woman. She and I compare notes on relationships...we both are interested in "Enneagram-typing" and have had a lot of parallels with our relationships. I feel that Genet and I completely understand each other. She's always a supportive friend, a great listener, and, just an all-around beautiful person.

I was thinking that instead of feeling lonely or sad because I don't have a "romantic partner", I can enjoy each of my friends for the uniqueness and love that they bring into my life. Even though Genet is not a "romantic partner", I enjoyed this wonderfully romantic scenery with a good friend and had a fantastic day.

Sept. 28 was what would have been my brother's 45th birthday. He died in a car accident at age 35. He lived every day with energy and fun. I want to carry on his example. Life is too short not to enjoy all the beauty and people in our lives.

So...today I'm grateful for: my friend, Genet, the perfect weather, the Fall colors, the Colorado scenery, and that I've recovered from my recent cold/flu so I can enjoy them all!

Can We Be Happy Being Single?

The self-help books proclaim it is better to be happy being "single" before you are truly ready for a relationship. In my musings on this, I've come to the conclusion that there are 4 states we can be in:

1) Happy in a committed relationship (secure)
2) Unhappy in a committed relationship (trapped)
3) Unhappy single (lonely)
4) Happy single (secure)

Of course "happy" is a relative term, and most of us are somewhere between happy and unhappy regardless of what our relationship status is. Maybe one day we feel very happy in our committed relationship, then we have an argument and we quickly move to feeling unhappy. When I was married, I fluctuated between states 1 and 2 quite a bit. Now that I'm single I fluctuate between states 3 and 4 all the time. One day I might feel totally lucky that I am single with all its freedoms and the next I am feeling incredibly lonely and depressed.

The state I ultimately want to be in, though, is state 1 (happy in a committed relationship). Before I was married when I wasn't in a relationship, I was in state 4 (happily single) because I never doubted that eventually I'd fall in love and get married. And I was naive enough to think that when I got married, I'd never fall into state 2, and I certainly never thought I'd get divorced. I was very secure in my innocent, romantic, singleness.

I no longer feel that security and I wonder if it will ever be possible for me to enjoy a totally "happy single" state. I hate to give up the romantic hope of state 1, but age and experience have made me cynical.

I will most likely be single for the rest of my life and I'm trying to figure out a way to be happy and secure with that. It seems like the only way to be totally happy with it is to give up that hope of love. As long as I'm hoping, then the disappointment and loneliness of not having it keeps me in State 3. You hear all the time that when you stop looking, it will happen. But, if our motive to stop looking is to find something, then we are still looking...or at least still hoping...to find love.

I will probably continue to fluctuate between states 3 and 4 (hopefully, most of the time in state 4). I try to remember that even if I were to find that sought-after love, I'd be fluctuating between states 1 and 2. And in the long run, our real happiness comes from our relationship with ourself. My new goal: State 5: Happy with myself!

So Many Men, So Little Time...

I have been officially out of a committed relationship for over a year now and I must say, it's been a year of growth and education on dating. I have really been "out there" doing online dating, speed dating, the bar scene and single's groups. I've read the books about finding "the one" and I've become an expert on dating. This is quite amazing considering I have about 8 nights a month when I'm free and I really don't like dating. I have gone through periods in the last year of feeling discouraged, ready to give up, and other times where I've felt excited by the freedom and fun of being single. I've been on lots of first dates, some second dates, and even had a few "relationships", though no relationship that developed into something that could be termed "committed". Many of the men I've met have become friends that I still get together with for Happy Hour or coffee to discuss our latest ups and downs with the single scene.

"Getting out there" has paid off and recently, I've met quite a few attractive men that I'd like to get to know better. But, wouldn't you know it, I'm having a problem with that, too! I'm just not cut out to "multi-date". It's so confusing. I have this annoying habit of wanting to be 100% honest, but it seems incredibly rude to mention to one guy that they are not the one and only person that I'm seeing. I also have a bad habit of disclosing way too much information, too early in a relationship. On one hand, I think that it's good to just get it all out there. On the other hand, most people don't want to know EVERYTHING so soon.

One of my problems is that I really don't like that getting-to-know-you chit-chat. I used to wish I could just skip to the familiar, fun, cozy, committed relationship stage. But, now that I've been so spoiled by the freedoms of NOT being in a committed relationship, there is a big part of me that doesn't necessarily want to get to a "committed relationship stage". I don't want to have to give up my relationships with the other guys that I casually date or friends that are a little more than friends. I keep thinking when I meet the right guy, I'll know it. But what if I'm so busy that I don't take the time to invest in the "right" guy? And what if in my quest to keep my options "open" I end up missing out on a relationship that might have developed into something serious?

I used to feel lucky if I even had one potential man to date. Now I have too many! If I don't focus on one, maybe I will end up with none. And with my schedule, I have often thought that there is only one guy I really have time to focus on. He's very cute and loves me more than anything. Yeah, he's kind of young, but he always makes me happy....so what if he's only 12?

When The Kids Grow Up

I haven't been writing much and there's been so much that's been going though my head. In the last few weeks I've climbed my first 14'er, had a road-trip with the kids, and have had more action and potentials in the dating scene than I've had in a long time. But, I'll have to catch up with those blog entries another time. Today's entry is about my 19-year-old son, Matt.

It's impossible to describe the love you feel for your children. Just the thought of losing one of them is enough to make me get so teary-eyed that I have to remind myself that they are all perfectly healthy. If one of my children were to die, I don't know if I'd be able to go on. My love for them is so strong, and I think partly it's because they are the three people that really have always needed me and somehow that has given me purpose.

Matt no longer depends on me. What's strange is, after the divorce I inadvertantly became dependent on him. Matt was 16 years old when I got divorced. He has always been one of the most reliable, protective, smartest kids anyone could ever hope to know. He's the consumate Boy Scout, always prepared, always knowledgable about what the "right" thing to do is in any situation. When I got divorced, it was Matt that became the "handyman"...well, to an extent, he was the handyman when I was married, too. He knows how to fix things. Matt also enjoys putting on the "protective father" show, kidding me about my dates and my new single status.

Matt's Senior year was very tough and stressful. Without going into the specifics, we both were going through very rough times, going to therapy separately, and together. It was a year that was incredibly painful, and I wondered if I would lose the relationship I'd treasured with my older son. There were many things going on with him...girlfriend problems, school pressures, and other typical teen stuff. But, I think he'd also felt this pressure to "take care of me". I was in this vulnerable spot and really felt so clueless about so many things. Matt did not want to have to be the grown-up in our family and for that year, he rebelled.

We made it through the year, and he fullfilled his goal...he got accepted to UC Berkeley. Somehow, with the therapy and emotions of graduation and his excitement of living his dreams, we found a way to reconnect on a deeper level. I cried most of the summer last year. I cried because when I thought I'd finally gotten back the relationship with the son that I'd remembered, I had to physically lose him. I cried because I knew that I had become dependent on him and that that was part of why he had to leave. I cried because I felt that I was losing one more person from my family.

We all survived Matt's Freshman Year and he's been home all summer. Matt is more mellow and good-natured than ever. The stresses of Senior Year are far behind us. He tells me he loves me often. He plays with his little brother. He helps me around the house. He is thedependable, loving son that any mother would die for. And in half an hour, I need to drive him to the airport to go back to California for his Sophomore year of college.

I know I am much more prepared this year than I was last year. I can live without Matt. I am more independent and emotionally healthy. I am so proud of the man that he's become. But I will miss him so much.

Do We Ever Stop Yearning for Romantic Love?

I have so many blessings...health, 3 incredible children, a good job, so many loving friends, a family that has always been supportive. The truth is my life has never been this problem-free and I am grateful. Almost every person I know is dealing with terrible problems and grief. I have a friend who's husband just died of cancer. Many of my friends are out of work or are losing their jobs. Many of my friends suffered so much more from their divorces and are still going through terrible emotional pain.

I put things in perspective and think: I should be the happiest person in the world. I am wasting this best time of my life feeling lonely.

It seems like such a relatively little thing to be unhappy about. Someone that loses a child cannot become a mother again if they are too old to have children. As sad as it is, they accept that that part of their life is over. Do they stop yearning for it? Does that happen with romantic love too? There is a big part of me that says I should be grateful for the happy marriage I had and accept that I will not find that kind of love again. I know it's a pessimistic viewpoint, but is it better to accept it than to hope for something that won't happen?

I'm not comparing the death of a child to divorce...I cannot imagine anything worse than going through the death of a child and (unlike divorce) I'm sure it's a grief that never goes away. For those that have lost a spouse to death, perhaps the analogy is more accurate. I am just wondering if the yearning we have to be loved...in one case, by our child, and in another case, by a spouse...ever goes away? If we accept that we will most likely be alone, will our lives be happier than if we are always hoping? We have "child-bearing" years and once those are past, most of us happily accept that we will no longer have children, especially if we were lucky enough to have had children. Could it be the same with love? Once we get past a certain age, is it better to just accept that marriage is unlikely and instead, embrace singleness?

Most Embarrassing Date

I'm entering a "Surviving Your Worst Date" contest. I haven't really had many bad dates...even this one was one of my favorites, but it was pretty embarrassing. I liked it, despite the embarrassment, because we laughed a lot...

I was in love. I was a 43-year-old, newly divorced, petrified, exhilarated, infatuated, obsessive lunatic. I had fantasized for two months about my friend, Jim, a 43-year-old single Dad, who had suddenly become the center of my every thought. Why had I never noticed what a Sex God he was? I finally got the courage to hint of my interest and to my intense delight, he asked me out.

Everything was going perfectly according to plan. Before long our first overnight at a romantic inn in the mountains was planned. I was ecstatic. There was one little problem. Somehow I had to transform myself from a middle-aged-Mom to a Sex Goddess in 2 weeks. After a crash diet and Victoria's Secret shopping spree, I felt a little more prepared. Experiments with lighting revealed exactly how dark the room would need to be to show off my sexy underwear, yet not reveal those unfortunate ripples on my upper thighs. As long as my push-up bra stayed on, I might be able to maintain an illusion of cleavage. My breasts had been through three children, all of whom I lovingly breastfed, little realizing that those suckers would ruin any chances of future strip shows.

The day finally arrives and I feel prepared. I've done my homework and have rehearsed for my debut as "Sex Goddess". We hike in the beautiful, romantic, winter wonderland. We flirt and hold hands. We dress for dinner and look gorgeous. I am feeling good! He wants me, I can tell. This is straight out of a romance novel. The dinner is delicious! I don't have to worry about that crash diet anymore. Suddenly, I have an outrageous appetite. I eat and eat and eat. Everything just tastes so good. We are both amazingly witty and the conversation gets more titillating as the wine continues to flow past our lips.

We head back to the room with great anticipation. Those butterflies in my stomach seem unusually active. So active, in fact, that they feel like they have now become attacking killer moths. The unique combination of my unusual eating habits, nerves, wine, and a tight skirt cause an alarmingly loud grumble to sound from my full belly. In one sitting, I seem to have gained twice the weight I lost on my crash diet. My plans for seductiveness never included popping the buttons off my skirt. I try to remain ladylike as I discreetly squelch my belches.

As I relieve the pressure by unbuttoning my skirt, Jim takes his cue and moves in closer. The moths have now morphed into birds or lions or some kind of devil which makes noises that are getting progressively louder and more embarrassing. I panic. OH MY GOD! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, DON'T FART!

I politely excuse myself. The walls in the bathroom are way too thin. I run the faucets hoping the sound of running water will drown out any other "noises" that might emerge. The water is quiet and I am too embarrassed to risk releasing the enormous amount of gas that is apparently trapped in my body. So I sit on the toilet in a complete state of discomfort wondering if I can manage to redirect the gas towards my mouth and burp it out.

I get an idea. "I think I'll take a little bath" I sweetly say, refusing to admit the reality of my situation. The bath water is louder and I have hope of a slow underwater release that, if I'm lucky, will go unnoticed from the other side of the bathroom door. A valiant try, but I'm getting no where. I'm nauseous now, as well, and not sure which way I should use the toilet. In my efforts to be as quiet as possible, I spend what seems like an eternity in the bathroom.

When I emerge, looking anything but sexy, Jim looks at me with an amused expression and asks if I'm OK. "Not really", I say. "Maybe we should just try and get some sleep".

A few minutes later I hear another sound, only this time it's from him. Is that him snoring? Yikes! I decide instantly that I will never be able to marry him. Absence of a snoring partner is one of the few advantages of singleness that I'm not willing to give up. And, how dare he fall asleep rather than be lying awake restless and frustrated by his overwhelming desire for me.

Despite my disappointment at the foiled plans for romance, I do take advantage of his snore-filled sleep to sneak back into the bathroom. Finally, by about 4am, I'm feeling relatively normal. I tiptoe back to bed, unsuccessfully trying not to wake Jim. He asks again if I'm OK and puts his arms around me. I realize I am no Sex Goddess and he is no Sex God. And as I snuggle closer, I find I am more than satisfied just being a middle-aged-Mom in the arms of a middle-aged-Dad.

Cybersexual

Blog, honey, I have something to tell you. First of all, I've discovered I'm Cybersexual. That's right. I fall in love with computer media. I spend all day with computers and we have such a good time together. Lately, I've been quite infatuated with the Parents Without Partners Forum. I've had a lot of extra time, and I've been spending a lot of it with Forum.

So, Blog babe, I guess this would mean I've been seeing someone else. The Forum is a lot more communicative than you are. I pour out my soul to you Bloggy, but you never talk back. It's starting to get serious with The Forum, and I'm thinking he might be giving me more of what I need. I know this isn't easy. You've been good to me and I have learned a lot from our time together. I hope we can still be cyberfriends.

We can still see each other, Blog, but I wanted to give an explanation for why I've been so absent lately. I hope you don't feel betrayed. We never talked about having an exlusive relationship, and I just felt like you really weren't "into me". I've read the book, and you were showing all the signs...my comment fields were always empty. We've just grown apart.

Please don't think it was your performance online. You showed me technologies that I'd never experienced before.

Soul Searching or Soul Mate Searching?

Sleep and Mood have improved immensely since my last blog entry and with no drugs! Yahoo! Maybe all the self-help stuff is sinking in. Or maybe I'm just finally "over" FB...kind of. We're still friends and I'm still attracted to him, but I have stopped feeling hurt that he is thoughtless and not "in love" with me. I think having been hit first with a husband that divorced me because he wasn't "in love" with me and then having a boyfriend that was not "in love" with me, just left me in this very vulnerable state of feeling that no one would ever be "in love" with me. And....maybe my days of being "in love" myself are over. That's sad, but life is not over. In fact, being "in love" is temporary, but "loving" is permanent and it's something you can do with everyone. I do not want to give up on romantic love, but I have come to accept (at least for today) that I may not find a "soul mate". I did do some "soul searching" and put together a plan for finding romantic love. Through the thought process, I have come to the conclusion that I can find a lot of the perks of romantic love through loving myself, my family, friends, and God. Here's my plan:

What do I want from Romantic Love?:
- Feeling desirable and desiring someone else
- Being with someone that I enjoy
- Physical Intimacy
- Emotional Intimacy
- Someone to share romantic experiences with
- Someone I can spoil with attention
- Companionship
- Comfort
- A sense of peace and emotional security
- Someone I can count on
- Someone who cares about me

Many of these things I can get by loving myself or loving others.

Plan to find romantic love:

1) Love self:

- Do things that make me happy
Goals
Read
Exercise / Eat well / Take care of myself
Enjoy beauty, life, people
Find passion / Learn something new
Journaling

- Look my best / dress well / take care with makeup, etc

- Foster spirituality. Get closer to God. Find romance within.

Contributes to fulfilling:
- Feeling desirable (by feeling good about myself)
- Emotional Intimacy (with self through journaling)
- Someone to share romantic experiences with (self)
- Someone I can spoil with attention (self)
- Comfort
- A sense of peace and emotional security



2) Love others:

- Spend quality time with family

- Foster friendships
eCards
invite people over at least once a month
have lunch with friends
Practice good listening skills

- Help those in need
Volunteer opportunities
Help friends with whatever they need

- Spend time with FB but don't have any expectations
Don't take his lack of attention personally
Be as intimate with him as what I want and feels comfortable

- Find friends that I enjoy with no worries of physical relationship
- Open up and share my personal feelings with others.
- Don't be afraid to touch...hug, hold, show I care through touch
- Make at least one new friend a month

Contributes to fulfilling:
- Someone that I enjoy being with
- Physical Intimacy
- Emotional Intimacy
- Someone to share romantic experiences with
- Someone I can spoil with attention
- Companionship
- Comfort
- A sense of peace and emotional security
- Someone I can count on
- Someone who cares about me


3) Look for opportunities to find romantic love

- Try to do at least one new social thing a month with a friend
- Look for classes to take that I enjoy
- Go Dancing
- Spend time to explore singles event opportunities

Contributes to fulfilling:
- Feeling desirable (or not)
- Companionship

Depresomnia

Insomnia and depression seem to go together. The question is, is it depression that's causing the insomnia or insomnia that's causing the depression? I think, in my case it's the insomnia that's causing the depression. However, I can't get rid of the insomnia. I have tried all the remedies, natural, homeopathic, herbal, over-the-counter, and prescription. The prescription drugs work best. Even with those, I normally wake up around 5:30 or 6:00, but that's much better that 2:00 or 3:00. And, of course, they're considered addictive, so my prescription is limited. I have been using the pills sparingly, only taking them on nights when I've gone several nights in a row with barely any sleep. I keep hoping that if I can just get my body into the habit of sleeping again, it will cooperate.

The doctor gave me a prescription for Prozac as well, saying the insomnia was most likely caused by depression. I did an experiment and decided to just take the sleeping pills without the Prozac. Sure enough, when I got more sleep I wasn't depressed at all. I was in a wonderful mood! Prozac, Schmozac...no need for that! I was dancing in the street, I was so happy!

Then, in an effort to "save the sleeping pills" I don't take them, and go right back into my no-sleep-mode. Suddenly, I'm crying at nothing, feeling lonely and sad and unjustifiably rejected. I'm experiencing the classic signs of depression and thinking "Maybe I do need the Prozac." "Aren't mood swings a sign of depression?" "Isn't it depressed people that resist the notion of being depressed?" "Yes", I convince myself, "I'm suffering from depression!" and then I get depressed about that, because I know that I have nothing to be depressed about.

I break down and take a sleeping pill, get sleep, and am happy again. Happy at feeling rested. Rested enough to exercise and to be productive and to enjoy people. And I am convinced that I am not suffering from depression. And the cycle continues.

Right now, I'm thinking I should just try the Prozac and see if that helps. Unfortunately, it takes a few weeks before it kicks in. And even when it does, it's aim is to cure my depression, not my insomnia. In fact, insomnia can be one of the side affects! I know what will cure my depression...it's not Prozac, it's sleep.