Today is my 48th birthday. I've been thinking a lot about finding love at an older age. I was divorced at 43, and being single has had its ups and downs. "Dating" at any age is not really my cup-of-tea, but the older I get, the less I want to do it. I much prefer an established relationship to the early getting-to-know-you days. I'd love a 48-year-old balding guy with a paunch if he loved me, was the father of my kids and I'd shared the last 25 years with him. I'd take him over a hunky young studmuffin any day. The problem is the bald father of my kids doesn't love me, and, in fact, is married to someone else. Honestly, now that I am 5 years past that painful time, I'm glad. Being single is not great, but it's better than being married to someone who doesn't love me. And there are many habits that my ex-husband had that I am more than happy to no longer have to deal with.
It's hard to feel attracted to "older" people, though. Bald men with a paunch with whom I've shared no history, don't do it for me. That's why we fall in love when we're young, get married, and by the time we don't look good anymore, we have developed that "mature" love that's based on so much more than how attractive we are. We usually accept each other's mutual decline on the attractiveness scale and do not have that dreaded fear of exposing middle-age imperfections.
Luckily, I have aged relatively well. I get my fair share of attention from the "older" generation. The other day I had some guy that looked like he could be 70 try and pick me up. Though I know I should be flattered by any attention, I admit to feeling somewhat panicked that my "dating pool" is moving dangerously close to those headed for the geriatrics ward.
The good news is I still get approached by young guys, too. While in Cancun last week, some young guy invited me up to his room. (I almost called him a "young hottie", but...the truth is, he wasn't that hot.) I told him I don't go to the rooms of men I don't know so he invited me for a drink to "get to know me". I accepted the drink, but told him I thought the difference in our ages was too great. I kiddingly told him I was turning 70. Now here's the really bad thing about joking like that.... He said, "Really?????" as though it might actually be true! No, NOT REALLY! DUH! To think someone might have actually believed I could be 70 (even if they were surprised!) was not pleasant. Our little "getting to know you" drink, blessedly, did not last long.
Though I sound very cynical, and, honestly, I know my ambivalence about dating is one of my biggest obstacles from finding romance at this older age, I cannot say I do not have love in my life. I have met many friends (both men and women), thanks to my single status, who I do now love. I have friends help me when I'm too weak, short, or ditzy to do "hard" things myself. I have friends I can call when I'm feeling sad or just need someone to tell me that I am sexy, even if I am pushing 50. I have friends who will laugh with me, cry with me, or tell me to "get over it" when it's time to "get over it". I may not have found my "soulmate" yet, but I have found more love since my divorce than I could ever hope for. And for that I am very grateful.
This, once again, may not be a year I "fall in love", but it is a year that I will continue to find more people to love....that's what life is all about and I plan to do it until the day I die.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
ShareThis
Posts
10 comments:
This was fun to read and I did chuckle a bit! I'm a guy the same age 48, but married! I think maybe I will start a blog about the other side of the story. The same old story I've heard so many times before but now it's happening to me! Feel like you've missed it, life is moving forward to fast. Feel trapped by life and cicumstances etc etc.
Anyway thanks for cheering me up from the other side of the fence. Oh yes one more point not all guys of 48 are balding and have a paunch! Hang on though I will just check the mirror.
Anonymous, the grass is always greener... I think it's quite common for married folks to envy the freedoms that singles enjoy.
I've learned that regardless of our marital status there will be ups and downs in love and life. I guess the key is to appreciate all the good stuff. If you need a reminder of the difficult side of being single, though, check out my book, The Laptop Dancer Diaries.
And if you start that blog, let me know! It would be interesting to hear the tales from the other side...
I'm also 48, female and newly single. I read these comments with interest and also a chuckle. I know I have to let go of the panic feeling that I sometimes get when thinking about being alone. I have wonderful children, family and have made new friends over the past year who are like family to me. Many blessings but I do want to fall in love again, with someone who loves me too.
Anonymous2, have faith that you WILL fall in love with someone who loves you, too. Actually, my book is all about my 48th year and searching for love. If you email me, I will send you the pdf file for free. I think you'd like it!
Thanks, Yvette. I will email you and am definitely going to buy your book! In spite of the pain, it is a time of personal growth and I do feel that there will be more joy in my life.....perhaps even better than before!
Absolutely, Anonymous2. I can tell already that you're the type of person that knows how to live fully and to learn from the curve balls that life throws us. Divorce, of course, is a pretty big curve ball, but I guarantee that you will find love again! (The secret is all revealed in my book! ;-) )
I loved the article. I am a divorced 48 year old whose had my fair share of ups and downs with dating. Actually its a nightmare dating at this age. I really don't think I will find that compatible someone to spend my last days with. I get approached a lot by younger men (20 to 42). Yes it does wonders for my ego but I don't know. Hopefully one day I will meet someone until then I will just focus on becoming a better me.
Hi Deidra,
It's almost been 10 years since I wrote this post. I'm still single, but I've had relationships and learned that whether single or married, in love, or nursing a broken heart, we will have our ups and downs. I feel grateful for all the relationships I've had and though I haven't found a partner for life, I've found a lot of love. Yes, focus on loving yourself... That's a relationship that will last the rest of your life!
I divorced at forty and I'm now 48. I had been with my ex since I was 15 years old, I am clueless about even attempting to meet a man to date. In fact, the only thing I have figured out is there isn't any dating anymore. I've tried online dating only to find out it's more about one night stands and men cheating, which no thanks no interested, or fake profiles. For the most part I figure I come off has guarded and unapproachable and I guess old and ugly. My marriage/divorce left me constantly questioning why I wasn't enough for him and how I did my life go so wrong. There have been a couple of times that a man asked me out, sort of or in there eyes flirted with me. I , however, felt disgusted by one, which makes me sound like such a snob, but this man was considerably older then me and kept insinuating sexual advances that I had made clear was not interested in with him. There other guy, again was older and what I call a Santa type, meaning he looks like Santa. I'm not ready to be a Mrs. Santa I don't want to embrace white hair and I'm not going to to pretend to be attracted to that type. It would not be fair to him nor myself. When I did try online dating I tried to be open to getting out of the usual "my type" guy and I don't have too much of an issue with age except I'm not interested in dating someone who is close in age to my son or my father, eww. I've spent a good amount of years on my own, I love myself, I can comfortably sit in silence, I would love have a nice evening with a guy and talk and laugh, do something fun I just don't know how to do that. It seems like guys in my age range are all married, remarried, or gay. Online dating is scary and a waste of time, I appreciate an actual date, a proper date not a guy wanting to come to my place and have sex, that's a hell no, I have standards and boundaries. So as I type this I guess I answer my own dilemma, yes I'm destined for life alone because I'm an old, ugly, prude who is unapproachable and I need to start collecting cats. 😣
Hi There, "Anonymous," It's interesting that this post is still getting comments even though it's 17 years old. (I figured that because I'm now 65, and 17 years older than you and my 48-year-old self!) And I can tell you that I'm single and I think happier than I've ever been. I have a LOT of relationships with men and women, old and young, married and single and a lot of love in my life. Write the book, "The Laptop Dancer Diaries" was great therapy for me and helped me realize how important self-love was and how important it was to just be my own quirky, nerdy self and stop trying to be "sexy." My natural self was quite "unapproachable" and I was definitely uncomfortable (and still am) with sex outside of a committed relationship. Once I started owning up to that, I stopped feeling so nervous about dating. Many of the dates I met became good friends. You'd be surprised by how many men don't like the pressure of sex either! If you want to find a romantic partner, I'd suggest Meetup and find a person who loves the same things you do. Or if you do try online dating again, be clear in your profile that you're looking for a relationship, not one night stands. And no more negative self-talk! You are a vibrant, beautiful woman with a lot to give who deserves to be respected and loved. Whether or not you find a romantic partner, I can assure you, you will have love.
Post a Comment