You'll Never be Dead to Me - Until You're Dead

I read an article in The Atlantic this morning that hit home: Should You Cut Toxic People Out of Your Life?

I've been thinking a lot about this lately - how trendy it seems to have become to "ghost" people, even good friends or family members. Just cut them out of your life, as though they were dead.

I've blamed a lot of it on politics. My utter disgust with Trump has made me reluctant to socialize with people who support him.  My family of origin are all avid Republicans. My father and I had some hurtful words when I voted for Obama and he angrily called me "ignorant."  My Dad died in 2010 and on his deathbed my mother reassured him that he didn't have to "worry" about me because I was "dating a Republican"... as if that was a sure sign I would vote Republican from here on out. 

I've had some good discussions with my Republican brother-in-law, and honestly, it's been insightful for me.  And the discussion has absolutely made me realize that a difference in political beliefs is no reason to cut out someone you love from your life! Yet so many people do.

My father's dead now, so I don't need to worry about arguing with him about Trump.  Besides his "I'm always right" attitude, there were a lot of things about my Dad that drove me crazy.  There are probably things about every relationship that drive us crazy..  especially with those people who we love the most! Those are the people we feel the most hurt by when they don't agree with us or approve of our choices. Those are the people we want to understand us and when they don't, we feel betrayed, unloved, and rejected.

So, as The Atlantic article states, the wisdom of the Internet tells us to cut out these "toxic" people from our lives.  Don't look back.  Make room for people who do understand us.

I think this "wisdom" is probably more accepted by those who haven't experienced the deep grief of losing someone they loved to death.  

After losing my brother in 1997 in a car accident, I know I will never cut any family member out of my life, as though they were dead, no matter how hurt I might feel by them.  We all will, of course, one day be dead, and that's soon enough to have no communication.  Until then, I'm going to accept our differences and not take the things I love about my family for granted.  

There are myriad circumstances and reasons that people "ghost" one another.  Believe me, as a long-time single who's been in the online dating world, I know that "ghosting" is so common that it seems to have become the cultural norm.  

It also seems to have become quite common-place for people who were once considered good friends, to suddenly do the "ghosting" thing.  I've heard so many stories from friends who have had this happen.  I've had "break-ups" with friends or boyfriends, but at least there was some discussion.  And in every case, I always want to try to end it "as friends."  ('Friends' in this case, means something like a once-a-year birthday greeting.)

As much as that's my preference, there are some people from past relationships who don't want any communication whatsoever. They won't respond to a birthday greeting and they will basically treat me as if I was dead to them.

This used to hurt me. I felt sad that someone who was once close to me could cut me off so completely. But, just like most of the things that hurt me about relationships, I realize now they are just different from me. Maybe to them, it hurts to get a greeting that might feel superficial. Maybe to them, it hurts to be reminded that our relationship is so different from what it once was or what they had hoped it would be. Or maybe they still haven't forgiven me for whatever it was to cause the estrangement in the first place.

So, I've accepted that for some people, it's better that I respect their wish for no communication. 

That being said, I personally believe that cutting off all communication, especially without explanation, is unnecessarily unkind.  Whether an online dating situation, a friend, or a family member, it's hurtful, and it's becoming more and more of a norm in our society.

Well, enough rant from me. The article struck a nerve and I wanted to share my two cents. 

To all you former lovers and friends who cut off all communication: Obviously, you still love me or you wouldn't be stalking me and reading my blog!  I get it! I still love you, too!