Too old for dating? It's just getting fun...

I've never been one who liked to date, even in my youth. Maybe it's the small talk, or maybe it's the stress of worrying if he likes me or I like him, or maybe it's just because I'd usually much rather be home with Laptop Guy, but it just hasn't been my thing. That being said, I've certainly done my share of it in the past few years in the quest to find another partner.


My plan (I always have a plan) was: I will put myself out there until I'm 50, and if I'm not in love by then, I will be content living out the rest of my life as a happy single. It didn't mean I planned to give up totally on the idea of getting married again -- I've heard the cliche wisdom, "when you're not looking, it will happen," over and over again.


So I turned 50. The world didn't come to an end. I don't feel different than I did at 49. I actually am more comfortable about dating than I was when I was young and certainly more comfortable than I was at 43, when I first got divorced. I've learned that dating is is not that big of a deal. I suppose I've grown to accept that there's a good chance the relationships I get into won't lead to marriage, so I stop stressing about them, and just let them play out. I really don't worry too much about the "attraction" factor any more. These days, I'm a lot more interested in getting to know someone and I've stopped worrying so much about all those sexual fears.


There was a big study recently that showed that happiness begins at 50. Some people speculate it's because those of us at this older age live more "in the moment." I would guess it's because we are more accepting of ourselves and the people around us. Or maybe it's because our hormones and libido are more at an even keel and don't confuse and frustrate us the way they once did.

In any case, the holidays are upon us again, and I reluctantly thought maybe I'd give match.com another try. Just one month... I was prepared for the worst. Now that I'm 50, I figured I would be too old to even make it into the search criteria of anyone other than the senior citizens. (I did briefly consider lying about my age... it's so common place on the online dating sites that it's almost expected... but that's a story for another post.)

Anyway, I have been having the best luck this time around! There are a lot of really great-looking, active, intelligent guys in their late 40's and early 50's who have contacted me. In fact, when I had three "in the 'let's meet' queue," I had to start turning 'em away. (I never was good at multi-dating and I barely have time to date one guy, let alone more than one.)

Now I fully expected that when I met these guys I'd do my typical thing and find some stupid, insignificant reason why we were a bad match, but that didn't happen! I think it's 'cause I used to think you had to have that limerence-induced infatuated feeling and I hardly ever get that. But this time, I was much more open to just getting to know someone more... And I actually liked all three of them! Maybe it really is much more about attitude than age.

It turns out Bachelor #2 (who secretly I was hoping for) has asked me out to dinner for Friday night! Way too early to know if it will amount to anything, but it feels good to be back in the game!

Are you in Limerence? More about romantic love..

I can't believe with all my interest in love that I've never heard of "limerence" until now! I'm doing my "love research" (which basically means googling and reading) and I came across this article about romantic love explaining limerence. It's that "obsessive" infatuated feeling I was describing in my post yesterday.

The article says that Dorothy Tennov, in her book "Love and Limerence," describes these traits of limerence:

1) Intrusive thoughts about the object of passionate desire (the “limerent object” or LO)
2) Acute longing for reciprocation
3) Mood becomes dependent on the LO’s actions
4) Inability to react limerently towards more than one person at the same time (except when limerence is at low ebb)
5) Unsettling shyness and fear of rejection when in the presence of the LO
6) Intensification through adversity (up to a certain point)
7) Acute sensitivity to any act or condition that could be interpreted as favorable
8) An aching of the “heart” (a palpable heavy sensation in the front of the chest)
9) Buoyancy (a feeling of “walking on air”)
10) An intensity of feeling that leaves other concerns in the background
11) A remarkable ability to emphasize the positive traits of the LO, while rendering the LO’s negative traits as “endearing” to the point where it is perceived to be another positive trait.

That's IT! I know exactly that feeling! Another symptom of limerence is that it only exists if there is hope and uncertainty of a reciprocated relationship. I thought this was really interesting... especially the uncertainty part. This could explain why I seem to be more attracted (in this sort of desperate, limerent way) to someone when they are showing subtle signs of interest, yet still a little "hard to get."

Of course, if they reciprocate my limerence, all is euphoric and then I guess, we graduate into a more mature romantic love. (At least that's the idea...) But, what usually happens when I'm in "limerence" is that the LO (Limerence Object) may be attracted to me or even experience "lust" (another component of romantic love), but usually doesn't have the same degree of limerency (I'm making that word up) towards me. I remain hopeful and uncertain and "limerent" until I get it into my head that he's just not that into me. We will not go into the deep despair and late nights with Laptop Guy that follow...

I used to feel that if I didn't feel those "limerent" feelings, I wasn't really in love. But after reading more about it, I'm thinking it's really kind of unhealthy! I mean, it's exciting and wonderful when you feel like it's reciprocated, but hey... no one is really THAT good! And we're really just fooling ourselves and setting ourselves up for disappointment when we realize our LO is not who we're fantasizing they are. I know the times a guy has been in "limerence" with me, it's flattering, but I feel uncomfortable because I don't share the same intense feelings, and I'll typically avoid a romantic relationship. Maybe that's why it's better to keep our "limerence" to ourselves. Better to try and be "cool" rather than staring up at our LO with starry-eyed adoration.

Wanna read more about limerence? I found Tennov's limerence website with a free monthly newsletter.

What have been your experiences with limerence? Do you think it's a necessary part of romantic love?