Showing off my RAK: Attention grabbing profile photos

This week the Love Project theme is Kindness in support of the Random Acts of Kindness promotion. There's this "Twibbons" Facebook App that helps spread the word by adding RAK WEEK to your profile photo. So, being a RAK supporter, I promptly did this without noticing that RAK WEEK ran right across my... uh... "rack" until I got a "Trying so hard not to make an inappropriate comment" comment from one of my Facebook flirt buddies.

Now, I don't normally advertise my "rack" but, hey, I love a double-entendre. I don't think the Twibbons people had that in mind when they designed the caption, but it works for me.

This reminded me of an online dating topic I've been meaning to blog about: Attention grabbing profile photos.

I've heard over and over that the biggest way to get any kind of attention with online dating is with the primary profile picture. Most people do a search and then scan through the photos looking for someone appealing. But what exactly is appealing?

As I wrote about in this blog post about what I find sexy in a photo, for me it's much more about the smile and the eyes than the body. And if I see a photo where someone is trying to show off their body, it's a downright turn-off. I tend to stay away from the profiles with photos of shirtless guys flexing their muscles -- not that I don't appreciate a good body. It just seems self-centered to post a photo that says: 'Look at how sexy I am!'

Of course, we all want people to notice how sexy we are while somehow remaining innocently unaware and humble. I was once helping a very muscular friend of mine get pictures for his profile. I told him to wear a form fitting shirt and I would snap a bunch of candid photos and hopefully, they would hint at his great physique without blatantly showing it off.

What kind of message does it send when women have revealing cleavage or suggestive clothing in their profile photos? Do men think "sexy" or "sleazy"? Do they ever get the same turn-off factor that I get, thinking she must be really into herself? I'll have to ask my male friends about this...

By the way.. This week starts Haley's 12-week-dating-challenge and I am SO on this! I had a really great match.com "first meeting" date last night, having lunch with witty OKCupid Bad/Good Boy today (maybe I'll get him to comment here), and two lunches planned for the week. I'm really looking forward to all of them! I'm back in the saddle!

OkCupid - The Best of the Online Dating Sites?

My 23-year-old son, Matt, a CU medical school student in his second year, has been spending this week of his winter break with me... that is when he's not texting or calling or going out with the girl he met recently on OkCupid. He is definitely smitten. He can't stop talking about how absolutely perfect they are for one another. And she is the only person he's ever met from online dating. In fact, I think this is his first experience with online dating at all, and he's hit the jackpot.

Despite my vast experience with online dating, I had not known about OkCupid! Matt has told me all about it, and, of course, online dating guru that I am, I had to check it out! (I feel I must interject here to mention that personally, I've been in kind of a not-really-wanting-to-date place.) It's all about the research....

So, I signed up, and I have to say, it's quite unique and interesting! It's got the ability to search and there are a lot of people (the best thing about match) but you answer all these questions so you can determine compatibility (the "supposedly" best thing about eHarmony) and it's FREE (the best thing about plentyoffish.)

There are hundreds of questions that are posed... you can pose them yourself... and through some very interesting algorithms you end up being able to find out how potential dates feel about all kinds of topics, including all the biggies: politics, sex and religion. You also get to say which answers you'd accept in a date and how important that is for you. Even though I'm not really feeling like dating, I just think it's an incredibly interesting way of getting to know people!

I've always been interested in personality typing systems (ie. Myers-Briggs, Enneagrams) and this site has all kinds of tests and little games to help you know more about yourself and a potential date. Of course, there's the danger of being "labeled" or for your answers to be misinterpreted... but there's even the ability to explain an answer if it's one of those "it depends" kind of situations.

Some of the questions are pure "intelligence" questions (ie. which is bigger, the sun or the earth?) and I suppose those are thrown in there to check if you're an airhead. I messed up on a simple logic question (And I'm an engineer! I'm like a genius at even really complicated logic questions!) But... it was early, and I was careless and thinking...ha ha ha... any dummy can do this...) It doesn't look like you can change your answers so... now people will think I'm a logic dunce, which is kind of a bummer. But, the truth is, I can be an airhead sometimes about a lot of stuff (not logic, mind you.. but just about anything else), so if someone doesn't want to be stuck with an airhead, I suppose it's only fair that they find out sooner, rather than later.

I have been getting a fair amount of interest. One guy even found me and bought my book! Woo Hoo! (Months of blogging about my book and I hardly get any sales... Who knew I should have targeted the online dating sites with my shameless self-promotion!) He's quite the blogger himself! Check out this post he wrote about relationships as well as his interview with Dr. Cornell about emotional abuse of men by women. Having spent a lot of time volunteering with people who are going through divorce recovery, this isn't the first I've heard of this.

I already feel like OkCupid has more than paid off. (Well.. after all, it's free...) Ready-for-dating or not, I am definitely going to be exploring OkCupid some more... I predict this site is going to be the new big online dating site of the year!

Ordinary Joy and a New Friend - #reverb10

Today's reverb10 prompt is:

Ordinary joy. Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

I think almost every moment can bring us joy, if only we stop and look for it. So rather than making this post EXTREMELY long, I will write about an ordinary moment that filled my heart with joy yesterday... I made a new friend: girlnutkin, aka Shirley Rivera.

Just the other day, I blogged about how heart-warming it is when a stranger emails you, and that's what happened yesterday. It started when Shirley commented on a blog post, "Everything's OK." Then I noticed her blog and blogged briefly about her blog yesterday (stealing the funny manscaping video I'd found from her site.) Then she up'ed me by blogging about me! She even bought two of my books and promoted them on her blog! Wow! She's like a guardian angel!

On top of that, girlnutkin is funny and unique. (You can't help but love someone who calls herself girlnutkin.) Her quirky sense of humor and fresh openness are just what draws you in to want to be her immediate friend. And she has all kinds of stories and experience with online dating, so clearly a good reference for me, The Laptop Dancer! Here are a few:

• fiction-ish story about her 1st "it's just lunch" date
• "getting booked" advice discussed over breakfast
• another breakfast buds conversation - but a bit on the girl-perspective side of things

OK, I know this seems a little like a "Thank you," "No, thank YOU," "No, thank YOU, REALLY!" kind of blog exchange between me and girlnutkin, but I have to tell you what really touched my heart... the profound "ordinary moment" that made the difference...

Shirley acknowledged and honored the grief I've been feeling about my friend, Craig. She read many of the posts I'd written about him and told me that she was moved to tears. It's hard to describe how warm and wonderful it feels to have someone -- a stranger -- tell you that. It makes me feel like I kept a little part of Craig alive. Grief is a very hard emotion... we feel so sad... but if we can somehow just take that love that we lost and keep it alive by sharing it with someone else... and they "get it"... they truly get how wonderful and special that person was, even without knowing him or her personally... we feel like that love is still amongst us.

So that is my ordinary moment... the understanding and kind note of acknowledgement from my new friend, girlnutkin.

eHarmony vs Match.Com: What's the difference?

In my many years of being a post-divorce bachelorette, I've tried many online dating sites. This has all been research for my book, The Laptop Dancer Diaries, of course. However, as an added benefit, I've found online dating to be a good way to meet people. It has it's pros and cons, but all-in-all I'd recommend it. One issue, however, is that there are so many dating sites that it's hard to know which one to pick! I'm going to talk about two of the most well-known sites: eHarmony and match.com and some of the differences.

Match.com

Now I don't have all the stats, but based on the searches, I'd say that of all the online dating sites match.com has the biggest selection of people. Match.com is especially great for women because it appears there are many more men than women on the site, so the women are typically in pretty high demand.

For example, I just did search for men between 48 and 52, 5 miles from my zip code, and came up with 162 hits. When I change to 15 miles (which would include Denver), I get 744 hits. That's a lot of eligible men to check out! Too many, actually, so I can do all kinds of filters to narrow it down.

How do I narrow it down? Well, I do what most people do and start with people who have photos. (You can limit your search to only those with photos.) And then I can filter on other things... for example I can limit only to non-smokers or people who are a certain height or body type or religion or... all kinds of things. After you've narrowed your search down to a reasonable number you can read profiles and find out all kinds of things about your potential date.

When you see someone you like you can "wink" or just go right ahead and send your wittiest email. (This goes to a special match.com email address, so your real email address is not shared unless you choose to share it with a potential date.)

Match.com let's you have a trial for 3 days completely free. However, they do ask for your credit card information and if you don't cancel before your 3 days are up, you will they will charge you for the next month. Another thing about match.com that I don't like is that they will automatically renew your subscription when it ends, so you have to remember to cancel if you want to prevent that from happening!

eHarmony

eHarmony had this "29 points of compatibility" system in which they figure out based on some kind of sophisticated algorithm who they think you will be most compatible with.

You have to fill out a very long survey (be prepared to spend at least an hour filling out the questionnaire).

eHarmony will then send you people who they think are a good match. You can go through a "guided communication" which starts with canned questions and multiple choice answers. Eventually, if you make it through several stages, you can email each other. Both people have to agree to "fast path" to email or else you have to go through the guided communication.

eHarmony is meant for people that are wanting a more serious long-term relationship. I've heard they may deny you from joining for certain reasons like being separated rather than legally divorced.

Most men I know say they have more luck with eHarmony, but as a woman, my experience has not been good. The matches I get are often quite far away and often over 10 years older than me. Apparently there aren't that many men that match my "29 points of compatibility."

eHarmony often has "free communication weekends" but I think this is very misleading because you're stuck with "guided communication" and not able to email anyone. Also your picture isn't visible and you aren't able to see other's pictures.

Which is better?

Well, of course it's a personal decision, but I prefer match.com for a lot of reasons:
- It's less expensive
- There's a better selection (at least for women)
- I can use my own criteria to search rather than depending on a system to match me
- I think you can tell a lot about personality by how a person writes, so I'd much prefer to send personal emails rather than depend on canned questions to communicate

Of course, there are some that think eHarmony's "sophisticated algorithm" will weed out people who are a bad match, but, based on my (unscientific) observations, they really don't do a very good job.

According to Popo:

I have a friend who I call "Popo" who is very wise and has great relationship advice. (Perhaps some day I will reveal his real name, but for now we will stick with Popo.)

Here is what the wise Popo has to say about the difference:

The guided comm on eHarmony is easier to cover my own writing faults but it gives you matches it thinks you want sometimes really missing the target by a wide margin. It seems to be more Communist because it tells you who you want even if you aren't looking for that kind of person. On match, it is more Capitalistic and gives you more freedoms to search and review on a case by case basis therefore having a higher level of responsibility for your own choices. A person once said, "With great power comes great responsibility". I think I prefer that instead of "here are the people's shoes you ordered, Comrad."

What are your experiences? Match? eHarmony? Or something else entirely?

Too old for dating? It's just getting fun...

I've never been one who liked to date, even in my youth. Maybe it's the small talk, or maybe it's the stress of worrying if he likes me or I like him, or maybe it's just because I'd usually much rather be home with Laptop Guy, but it just hasn't been my thing. That being said, I've certainly done my share of it in the past few years in the quest to find another partner.


My plan (I always have a plan) was: I will put myself out there until I'm 50, and if I'm not in love by then, I will be content living out the rest of my life as a happy single. It didn't mean I planned to give up totally on the idea of getting married again -- I've heard the cliche wisdom, "when you're not looking, it will happen," over and over again.


So I turned 50. The world didn't come to an end. I don't feel different than I did at 49. I actually am more comfortable about dating than I was when I was young and certainly more comfortable than I was at 43, when I first got divorced. I've learned that dating is is not that big of a deal. I suppose I've grown to accept that there's a good chance the relationships I get into won't lead to marriage, so I stop stressing about them, and just let them play out. I really don't worry too much about the "attraction" factor any more. These days, I'm a lot more interested in getting to know someone and I've stopped worrying so much about all those sexual fears.


There was a big study recently that showed that happiness begins at 50. Some people speculate it's because those of us at this older age live more "in the moment." I would guess it's because we are more accepting of ourselves and the people around us. Or maybe it's because our hormones and libido are more at an even keel and don't confuse and frustrate us the way they once did.

In any case, the holidays are upon us again, and I reluctantly thought maybe I'd give match.com another try. Just one month... I was prepared for the worst. Now that I'm 50, I figured I would be too old to even make it into the search criteria of anyone other than the senior citizens. (I did briefly consider lying about my age... it's so common place on the online dating sites that it's almost expected... but that's a story for another post.)

Anyway, I have been having the best luck this time around! There are a lot of really great-looking, active, intelligent guys in their late 40's and early 50's who have contacted me. In fact, when I had three "in the 'let's meet' queue," I had to start turning 'em away. (I never was good at multi-dating and I barely have time to date one guy, let alone more than one.)

Now I fully expected that when I met these guys I'd do my typical thing and find some stupid, insignificant reason why we were a bad match, but that didn't happen! I think it's 'cause I used to think you had to have that limerence-induced infatuated feeling and I hardly ever get that. But this time, I was much more open to just getting to know someone more... And I actually liked all three of them! Maybe it really is much more about attitude than age.

It turns out Bachelor #2 (who secretly I was hoping for) has asked me out to dinner for Friday night! Way too early to know if it will amount to anything, but it feels good to be back in the game!

Video Dating - Check out Bobby!

It's really surprising to me that all of the online dating sites that I've tried don't include the option to have video. There are so many little nuances that are not apparent from a photo. Take for example, Bobby... Without this video, I'd never have realized how intelligent and articulate he was...

Get Jazzed - What's in it for you...

Yesterday I blogged about a new online dating site, Jazzed, that's free for 90 days. One of my friends (who works in product marketing) said he was pretty turned off by the post because I was asking people to sign up so that I could win an iPad. He said it was very poor marketing. I should be telling everyone what was in it for them rather than asking them to sign up so that I could win an iPad!

So here goes... This is what's in it for you:

Even though the Jazzed site is new, it seems to be growing like gangbusters, thanks to this promotion. The interface is very easy to use and has a great look and feel to it.

Online dating is a great way to meet people. Even though I can be a little cynical about it, I have to say, I have met a lot of wonderful people thanks to online dating. There are tons of articles and books out there to help the new online dater. In 8 Tips for Great Dating for Single Men and Women, author Dr. Diana Kirschner says you have to start by making finding love a priority. Looks like she wrote a book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love. I will have to check this out! There are checklists and homework! (I love that kind of thing! Just give me a plan...)

In How to Find Love Relationships Online – Internet Dating, you'll find 9 more tips, specifically for online daters.

There is so much available for singles and online daters, I think if I were married I'd be feeling a little left out!

Now about that iPad. It's true that my main motivation for spreading the word about Jazzed is that for everyone that signs up with my invite, I get an entry into a weekly drawing for an iPad. But that will be true for you, too! And, I happen to disagree with my friend who said people wouldn't sign up because I was doing this so I could win an iPad. In fact, I know a couple of people who probably only did it for that reason. They wanted to help me out. As Gretchen Rubin, author of the Happiness Project writes in To Make a Friend, Ask Someone For a Favor

Studies show that for happiness, providing support is just as important as getting support. By offering people a way to provide support, you generate good feelings in them.

So, to summarize, by signing up for Jazzed you will:

• Help populate a cool, new online dating site, free of charge for 90 days
• Will have a chance to win an iPad
  
• Will be doing me a favor by helping improve my chances of winning an iPad
• May find the love of your life!

What do you have to lose? Let's get Jazzed!

Podcast with LifeBytes Editors - Real Stories of Online Dating

Those of you that have read The Laptop Dancer Diaries know that I'm a seasoned online-dater and have my share of war stories. So last year when I heard that there was a book in the works by LifeBytes and the editors, Sharon Sommerhalter and Mariann O’Connor, were soliciting online dating stories, I had no trouble coming up with a submission.

I had a chance to talk to Sharon and Mariann the other day about their book and some of their own thoughts about online dating. Listen in to this podcast to find out what they had to say.



Want to know more? Read the LifeBytes blog, Friend them on Facebook, or Follow them on Twitter!

Outsourced Online Dating!

Imagine this: You've decided to try online dating. You meet a guy who "gives great email." He's witty. He's charming. He has just the right balance of flirtatiousness and respect. Maybe he's not exactly what you were looking for, but what he lacks in looks, he makes up for in personality. This guy has depth. So, after much thought, you answer 'yes' to his request to meet.

Well, guess what? That person that was emailing may have been a "Virtual Dating Assistant"... a person hired by someone too lazy or illiterate to do the work of getting dates himself. Clients pay $600 for 2 dates a month and $1200 for 5 dates a month.

Though I know about all the dishonesty that goes on with online dating, I've always felt I could get a very good sense of a guy's personality from his emails. But now, even that can be "faked." What a way to start a relationship!

This Entertainment Daily article as well as this Washington Post article describe 24-yer-old Max Hartshorn's job as a virtual dating assistant. Max gets paid when a woman "writes back positively." Max views it like cold calling in sales. I'd say there's one major difference. When you get a call from a salesman, he is who he represents himself to be. In this case, Max is representing somebody else! This seems so fraudulant. I can't believe it's an accepted ligitamate business to pretend to be someone you're not!

Don't they get caught? I asked myself. (I often wonder this about people that post old photos of themselves as well. I would think it would be pretty bad to suffer through that look of disappointment that will be inevitable when they eventually meet their date.) In response to their clients' questions about whether or not they get caught, Virtual Dating Assistants answers in their FAQ:

"Before you meet any candidates, we provide a pre-date executive briefing. As long as you review this information, your date will never have any reason to believe that we were involved in the process."

Yeah right... until the first time you REALLY send her an email and you don't know how to spell or put together a decent sentence! Of course, the relationship may not last past the first date because it was based on a lie in the first place. How can a relationship that starts out in deception possibly last?

Ya know, I'm all for putting your best foot forward. I can even understand fudging the facts by a year or two on age or profile details. I could even be OK with this if Virtual Dating Assistants admitted that they were "matchmaking." But pretending to be someone you're not? That's just creepy and pathetic.

If you're too busy to do the work associated with getting a date, than you probably shouldn't be dating. And if you have to lie about who you are, then you definitely shouldn't be dating. So if you're tempted to use a Virtual Dating Assistant, save your money. Or if you really want a place to spend it, I'm here and even a Certified Coach! I'll give you a $600 coaching session. Number one rule of dating: Be yourself!

Bachelor #1

Ah....vacation at last! My match.com subscription, along with the accompanying email had become quite a distraction the last few days at work. I admit to a moment of embarrassment when a colleague came by only to find me purusing the site, checking out profiles. But I played it cool... pretended it was work related. just doing a little research... checking out the user-friendliness of the Website....

OK, about my online dating game. I was exited about it on the first day. It was the perfect opportunity to winnow out the 99% of the population that I didn't want to date anyway. I knowingly sent people to my blog because I knew they would be turned off. I mean first a guy takes the risk to email me, then I ask him to jump through hoops and play a dating game so that maybe he'll win a date in a month with someone that's obviously "love-challenged" and...the real kicker...it will all get blogged about.... yeah, I don't think there's too much incentive going on there. Conveniently, this strategy would mean I rarely would have to write one of those uncomfortable, "I'm not interested" emails. I let them figure out that they're not interested.

But on the very first day I did get a guy that was spunky enough to want to play. Though I didn't really plan to reveal this, my thought was that ANYONE that had the confidence to be up for the game, despite my admissions that I'd be blogging about it, would score enough points with me that I'd put them first on my priority list.

Bachelor #1 scored big time in all the other categories, too, with the exception of distance.

* Age...exactly the same as me! Can't get better than that!

* Distance...Denver. Well, this one's a little iffy. A little far for a workday lunch, but not far enough to be out of the question.

* Creativity...Oh Yeah. Lots of points in this category. That's especially impressive for someone that doesn't know me. I've determined that "sense of humor" is on my "must have" list.

* Looks...He's got the requisite good-looking photos, especially the smile.

* Intelligence...I haven't notice a single misspelling in his communication (come to think of it, I'd better spell-check my own profile!) More than spelling, though, he has a style that shows he's up for some mental sparring.

* Good Father....Both his profile and his photos show that kids and family are important to him. I'm not looking for a father for my kids. But I want someone that has experienced that...that understands and feels that same unconditional love you can only get by being a parent.

So I sort of hit paydirt on the first day. I haven't been sending any other match people to my blog. If I already found someone with high points and he's willing to meet me, I should just go for it, right?

Well, as a matter of fact, Bachelor #1 did ask me for coffee, and I played my usual, "I'm too busy" card. The truth is I have been really, really busy. But I know it's also the I-don't-really-want-to-have-a-first-meeting-date procrastination. I just do not like being thrust into a "date". I know it's always the same...no butterflies, no giddy infatuation, no chemistry. My chemicals seem to have all fizzled out and I end up feeling bad. Sometimes its easier to just stay behind the computer and fantasize that this might be "the one' than face a real person.