The moments of life... The moments of love..

I found this video (a production by Will Hoffman) on The JackB blog. He says "This video is going to lead to many blog posts."

I've been struggling with maintaining focus for this blog... First it was just random stuff, then for the past three months it's been about The Love Project. This quarter, it will be about dating since I have the new Boulder Dating Adviser column on examiner.com.

This video isn't about dating so it may appear I'm already losing my focus! But stick with me here.

I'd like to redefine dating. When we think of "dating" we typically think of singles, rejection, stress, online dating and all the awkward, uncomfortable stuff that comes with new dates. But dating shouldn't be like that! Dating should be filled with beautiful moments. Dating should be sharing all those moments that fill you with happiness with someone else. Dating should be about smiles, relaxation, living in those moments... Not wasting them worrying, judging, or trying to figure out whether or not you'll go out again.

I've thought a lot about my relationship with my friend who died from ALS, Craig. I always looked forward to seeing him, even when he couldn't move or talk. He always was happy to see me. He found a way to flirt and play, even when he couldn't talk. He was so "alive" even when he was dying.

Once Craig knew he was dying, he told me he wouldn't "date" anyone. And it's interesting that when he became "safe"... when there were no worries about rejection or "dating," I had more fun with him than ever. It's the stupid "date" word that can often get in the way of us just enjoying the company of one another. We are too worried that if we're not a perfect match, we will either eventually get hurt or hurt someone else. It's too bad we can't just learn to love in the moment... love like we were dying.

I learned from watching Craig never to take life or people for granted. Dating isn't only for singles. It isn't only for romantic couples. Dating is for everyone. Enjoy dating. Enjoy people. Enjoy all the beautiful moments of life and love.

Assignment 10: Do Something Romantic

This week on the Love Project we are going to explore Romance.

Assignment 10: What does romance mean to you? This week spend some time making a list of what you find romantic. Then pick one of those ideas and experience some romance either on your own or with someone else. Write a comment or a blog post and I'll feature you on Website Wednesday and on my Love Links page.

Background: A couple of days ago I wrote about the "romantic" relationship I had with an old man I'd met by volunteering in a nursing home. We tend to think "romantic relationships" must be "sexual relationships" but they don't have to be. Romance can be experienced with friends, family, or even on our own. Of course, most of us associate romance with "romantic love." If we're at a beautiful, romantic place, we want to be sharing that with a romantic partner and it can be kind of depressing to be on our own while we see all the other love-birds around us, being all inappropriately smoochy. Instead of enjoying the romance and beauty, we can sit there pouting about how we are "all alone." To that I say "Bbrerrrsr" <- This is the sound that goes with pursing your lips and blowing... kind of like sticking your tongue out, but with sound. (I'm going to have to research the word for this action and the correct way to spell the corresponding sound, but basically it means, "Stop feeling sorry for yourself and enjoy the romance!")

We spend so much time in this life wanting to be validated by others. We feel in order for romance to be real, someone else has to tell us we're beautiful. We need to get flowers or attention. We need to be holding hands or kissing. Sure... those things are wonderful and we all want them. And if you have a romantic partner in your life, then take full advantage of that. Lavish your partner with the kind of romance they most enjoy.

But, if you don't have it... if you're single... it doesn't mean you have to give up on romance. Romance others, romance yourself... Gaze at the moon, the mountains, the ocean and feel the love in the world and know that you are part of it. Let a breeze embrace you, giving you tingles. Let snowflakes fall on your face. Let the smiles from strangers fill you with a sense of peace. Know that you're loved, with or without a romantic partner.

And last, but not least, tell those annoying love-birds to get a room...

Beware of the "I'm sad" Facebook status

Once, when I was perusing Facebook, I saw one of my friends had a status that said something like, "I'm sad. Please "like" me so I'll be happy." And you were supposed to press the thumbs up 'like' button. I remember thinking, "That's kind of an embarrassing, pathetic thing to put on Facebook! I'd never announce, 'I'm sad' and ask people to "like" me! They like me or they don't, but I'm not going to get sympathy 'likes'!"

Of course, I pressed the 'like' button to help cheer up the poor soul and went on with my day.

Later, when I checked the computer, I saw Facebook messages in my inbox from people consoling me, asking me why I was sad. What??? I'M not the one that's sad!

Then I checked Facebook and saw that that damn needy message was on MY wall! Oh No! It was like a contagious 'I'm a loser' status message! I guess pressing the 'like' button puts the same message on your own wall! I immediately deleted it and did my best to restore my confident reputation, letting people know I was very happy! La, la, la!! Not a care in the world and I really don't care if anyone 'likes' me or not...

In general, I recommend to people to never publicly act sad or rejected. It just shows insecurity. If we're confident, there's no reason to feel rejected. We don't need validation from other people to know we're good. And most of the time, the "rejection" is in our own head. Everyone will feel so much better if you can just not take things so personally, and carry on happily, regardless of what disappointments come your way.

But, I have to admit, this has not been a good week for me. Maybe it's a freaky woo-woo thing that in "Rejection" week, I am getting hit with quite a lot of personal rejection. I won't go through all the sorry details, but if I wanted practice in dealing with rejection, I'm getting it. (And I will be more careful about picking negative Love Project themes in the future..)

I have a good friend who (in one of his depressed moods) complained, "No one really cares about me. They act like they do, but when it really comes right down to it, they have other people and priorities. They only superficially like me because they think I like them."

I assured this friend that I really liked him and still would like him, even if I thought he didn't like me. But then I thought about it more. Would I? Would I really like him if I thought he didn't like me? Probably not. I'd be hurt if he didn't like me, but would act like I didn't care, 'cause I never show rejection. And then I'd do my best to stop liking him, because if he didn't like me, well, I wasn't going to like him.

Now, I'm not very tolerant of this "poor me" victim mentality, but when I'm in one of my down moods, I can really relate to what he said. It is easy to feel all alone. Even when I was married, I had those days...wondering if my husband really loved me. (I guess the answer ended up being 'no.') No matter how many "friends" we have, we can wonder how much those friends really care about us. How many are just pressing the "virtual like button" without really thinking about it? Are we special to anyone? Can we tell those friends, "I'm sad. I feel rejected. I know I should be confident, but right now I'm not and I need you to tell me you like me. Really like me. Like me if I get sick. Like me if I'm in a crappy mood. Like me if I'm ugly. Like me if I hurt you. Like me if you find out how embarrassing I can be. Like me no matter what. Love me."

Is it fair to expect someone to feel that way about me if I don't feel that way about them? Do I have people who I love unconditionally? Yes, I have a few... Maybe it's time for me to let them know it. I'm guessing they have those same pangs of loneliness and insecurity at times.

I'm not going to update my status page with any of this, but just so you know... I'm not so sad anymore. I'm blessed with people who I love and who I know love me...and they don't even need to press a button to tell me.

"Your Loss" and other stupid stuff people say when they feel rejected

This week on The Love Project we're talking about Rejection.

Let's face it, one of the toughest parts about dating is dealing with rejection... both receiving it and giving it.

Today I'm going to talk about how to act if you feel rejected in that very early stage of dating... I'm specifically thinking of online dating, though this could be true of any first date or meeting. Here are some ways people react when they feel rejected.

Block him/her

I just had a very long debate with The Private Man about his advice for men to block women who don't respond within a week to an initial email. I'd never heard about this before and don't think it's common practice. I think this is ridiculous, since a lack of response to an initial email doesn't even necessarily indicate rejection, but you can read about that debate on his blog if you're interested.

I'm better than you response

Worse than blocking (which just doesn't make sense) are the people who will react negatively when they feel rejected. A classic example is responding with "Your loss." I suppose this kind of response is meant to show that "I'm better than you and don't care that you don't want to go out with me" but instead it comes off as "I'm a baby who can't take a blow to my fragile ego." Other signs of insecurity might be a response like: "I didn't want to date you anyway. I'm dating women who are much younger and hotter than you. I just felt sorry for you." Definite sign of a loser who has zero confidence.

Now luckily, most men who I've communicated with online are more mature than that. There have only been a couple who were really rude. If I can tell from their profile or email that they are disrespectful, I don't engage in conversation with them at all. I used to respond to everyone who sent me an email, but now I ignore anyone who's initial email is disrespectful ie. someone suggesting a "quickie" or sex, or someone who puts something in their profile like: Don't bother to email if you're a liar" (obviously a guy with a lot of baggage.)

I'm desperate and insecure response

Another form of inappropriate behavior when you are rejected is to act needy or desperate. One guy insisted on wanting to know exactly what was wrong with him. He promised to change whatever it was. He kept on emailing me, wanting to go out, even if it was just "as friends." If he hadn't acted so desperate, I probably would have at least kept in contact with him as friends, but it became creepy that he was so needy. Eventually I had to tell him I wouldn't be responding to any more of his emails.

No response

This is one of the most common responses to a rejection. If you haven't even met, and we're just talking about an email, I think it's OK to not respond. A response usually is not expected. However, if you've gone on a first date or meeting, it can be kind of rude to just ignore a nicely worded "Dear John" letter.

An email wishing your rejector well

The most mature and classy thing you can do when you are rejected is to thank your rejector for their honesty, wish them well, and move on with confidence that you will find a better match. Of course, all of this depends on how you were rejected in the first place. How to reject someone is, in itself, a skill that many people do very poorly. However, if the person rejecting you has been thoughtful, it would show grace and class for you to show thoughtfulness in return with a short email of thanks and perhaps a suggestion to stay in touch, if appropriate.

Valentine's Day and The Daily Love

Today's the day! Valentine's Day is one of my favorite days of the year because we are celebrating the emotion that is the secret of life and happiness: Love! It would be a great day to join "The Love Project" and to do Assignment 7: Be Kind. The Random Act of Kindness challenge is to Send a Letter of Appreciation to someone. That's a great one! It would be like killing 4 birds with one stone: 1) Love Project (Write a Love Note), 2) Love Project (Be Kind), 3) RAK Challenge, 4) Valentine's Day, but of course the most important thing is you'd be showing your love to someone who's important to you. (If you're at a loss for how to write a good love note, my article in Pick The Brain was published this weekend: Make it Personal - The Best Kind of Valentine.)

Being kind doesn't have to cost money. Just a smile or opening the door for someone is kind. Every email or comment on a blog or Facebook can be kind. Just get in the habit of being kind every day. (Feel free to leave a comment on this blog if you want to check that "Be Kind" baby off your todo list. Or, if you'd rather send me flowers, I'd be up for that, too. I'm always here willing to accept your kindness...)

One of the newsletters I subscribe to is called "The Daily Love," and I really like what the letter said today. Here's an excerpt from the founder of TDL, Mastin Kipp:

Today is a day to celebrate Love. Love of yourself, love for life, for struggles, for everyone in your life, for who is IN your life as well as love for who is OUT of your life. If you're single, today is a great day to celebrate your freedom and embrace even more courage to be more open, more loving and more curious about love.

There are such rich moments that come from being single. Being single gives you the opportunity to get out there and date and discover who you are, what you like, don't' like and what works best for you. Don't let today be another reminder about how you "can't find love" - that's victim speak. Let today be a celebration that you are on your path of discovery. Tonight - take yourself out on a date.

Hope you have a beautiful Valentine's Day full of love. (And remember, I'm here for you, ready to receive any and all love notes or other tokens of affection...)

Friday (sort of) Funny and Personal Update

First things first. The Friday Funny on the Love Project for Knowing Yourself can be found here for a look at how the different Myers Briggs personality types view a glass of water.

(Note: You will only "get" this if you know are a Myers Briggs fan and even then you'll probably only be mildly amused, but it's the best I can do... If you have a better Friday Funny about "Knowing Yourself," let me know...)

----END LOVE PROJECT POST-----------------------

Now, this next part is an update on me, something I haven't done for awhile on this blog in an effort to be focused on The Love Project. Rest assured, these personal posts will be infrequent.

One of my New Year's resolutions was to "never complain." And the truth is, I've been very happy since 2011 began. Amazingly so. I realized that I had so many wonderful things in my life... so much love (even if not the romantic type)... and I consciously decided that I would never take it for granted, feel sorry for myself, or waste a minute being angry, sad, hurt, rejected, or any of that other negative stuff. I especially decided to never whine about a "broken heart" or have one of those pitiful "no one loves me" attitudes again.

I've wondered if it's appropriate to talk about what's going on in my love life on a blog. It's personal and you wonder why strangers would care... But surprisingly, sometimes they do.. And even when they don't, it's therapeutic for me, just to get out the thoughts going through my head... So here goes...

In December, 2009, I met someone who I will call "B." He was (is) so sweet, so cute, so romantic. I thought God had sent me B to help me through all the hard stuff....I was unemployed, my Dad had just been diagnosed with cancer, and I was turning 50 -- my "deadline" for falling in love. I figured God, as he has done in the past, was answering my prayers. I got a job, I felt like I'd finally fallen in love, and my Dad was responding remarkably well to the chemo.

Not only was B a sweet, romantic "boyfriend", he had a personality very much like my father's. They were very similar in politics, taste in movies and TV shows, and so many things. I'm guessing they both have the same Myers Briggs scores (INTJ) and would describe the glass as "made from silicon dioxide, heated to a temperature of ..." (They both are engineers.) My Dad (as I knew he would be) was thrilled that I was finally dating a Republican.

After a few months of dating B, I knew it wasn't right. I could tell he wasn't that into me. (A big clue was when he told me he didn't want to be in a committed relationship anymore...) Our communication styles were different. I'd say something meant to be a joke and he didn't laugh. I had almost the exact same "debates" with him that I'd had with my Dad. (In some cases, his words were so similar to my Dad's it was like some kind of Twilight Zone episode!) I knew in my heart of hearts that we were not a good match, but I could not let go. Despite our agreement to not be in a committed relationship, we still saw quite a lot of each other and transitioned into what's called on Facebook, a "complicated relationship."

Then my Dad got really sick. On his death bed, as my brother, sister, Mom and I were gathered around, we talked about politics! I kid you not! When the medics wanted to test his lucidity and asked if he knew who was President, he jokingly said, "I wish I didn't." My Dad, in his final hours, was actually worried about whether or not I would vote Republican or Democrat. (Did I mention, he never quite forgave me for voting for Obama?) My Mom reassured him, "Yvette's dating a Republican now, Honey." (In my Mom's mind, it goes without saying that I'd vote the same way as whoever I'm dating...)

Now, to be honest, I hate politics. But after Dad died I suddenly had this intense desire to make him proud and "be a good Republican" which is pretty crazy. I mean it's a little late now...
I also had this almost desperate need to be around B... even if just to listen to him talk about politics... it was like listening to my Dad. But I could see that the relationship with B was getting more and more one-sided and I knew.... just like I knew my Dad would die, I knew B didn't love me and I needed to move on.

That was 5 months ago. Since then I've half-heartedly dated other guys. B and I have seen each a few times. He is still sweet, cute, and always full of compliments, but has never even attempted to kiss me goodnight.

Today I learned B is in love with someone else. Not just "dating" someone, but really serious.

Maybe that's what I needed to hear to really move on. I'm trying to be happy for him. I know, know, know it never would have worked out between us.

I think about Craig, who couldn't move or talk, let alone have a date with anyone. Did he ever complain? Never! I think about all the friends and family who love me... I think about how lucky I am that I still get attention from guys. I think about people who are risking their lives for our country, people who are dying from all kinds of diseases, people who are poor, hungry, homeless in this frigid cold. I am so incredibly lucky.

So... I am not going to have a pity party. I am going to keep that New Year's resolution and squelch that urge to complain about my lack of boyfriend in this romantic month of February. I'm going to resist the temptations to agonize over why B didn't love me. I'm going to look forward to the new relationship that I know I will find now that I have a more open heart.

And... in an attempt to clear my heart of all complaints and bitterness, the most important thing I must remember is:

I'm SO much hotter than his new girlfriend! (Let's hope I never meet her so I can keep believing that...)

Website Wednesday: Must See Inspirational Self-Portrait Websites

The theme of Week 4 on the Love Project is Self-Portraits. Check out these Websites for inspiration:

Blogs:
Love Project Participant MVP:

GirlNutkin in the BA: Week 4 on self-portrait

Lovely girlnutkin (aka Shirley Rivera) left a post and a self-portrait of herself at her father's gravesite, remembering and acknowledging the self-love he instilled in her. What a wonderful tribute! I was especially moved by this (in fact I'm sitting here in Starbucks with tears in my eyes) since I lost my father recently and also am so grateful for the love he showed me. So this month, I hope we can all learn to love ourselves, and also remember to thank those beautiful people in our lives that loved and accepted us unconditionally, giving us that precious self-esteem and confidence in ourselves.

Haley's Halo Self Portrait - a funny look at a self-portrait drawing. This Haley is obviously an angel/devil type. I'm gonna have to get her a copy of The Laptop Dancer Diaries.

Cool Sites:

5 Photo-A-Day videos
The True Love Project
Portrait Photos - A site which shows really beautiful self-portraits.
Portraits of Love - A site which sends family portraits to deployed soldiers around the globe.
Creative Self-Portraits on Flickr
Katharina Fösel's photostream

How to:

How to take a great self-protrait - Tips about taking great self-portraits. EBook available.
Expressing oneself with self-portraits - Article that explores the history of self-portraits.

Photography:

Make money with Portrait Photography!
Building a Successful Photography Business

Modeling:

The Bikini Model Program
The Official Fitness Model Program

Ordinary Joy and a New Friend - #reverb10

Today's reverb10 prompt is:

Ordinary joy. Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

I think almost every moment can bring us joy, if only we stop and look for it. So rather than making this post EXTREMELY long, I will write about an ordinary moment that filled my heart with joy yesterday... I made a new friend: girlnutkin, aka Shirley Rivera.

Just the other day, I blogged about how heart-warming it is when a stranger emails you, and that's what happened yesterday. It started when Shirley commented on a blog post, "Everything's OK." Then I noticed her blog and blogged briefly about her blog yesterday (stealing the funny manscaping video I'd found from her site.) Then she up'ed me by blogging about me! She even bought two of my books and promoted them on her blog! Wow! She's like a guardian angel!

On top of that, girlnutkin is funny and unique. (You can't help but love someone who calls herself girlnutkin.) Her quirky sense of humor and fresh openness are just what draws you in to want to be her immediate friend. And she has all kinds of stories and experience with online dating, so clearly a good reference for me, The Laptop Dancer! Here are a few:

• fiction-ish story about her 1st "it's just lunch" date
• "getting booked" advice discussed over breakfast
• another breakfast buds conversation - but a bit on the girl-perspective side of things

OK, I know this seems a little like a "Thank you," "No, thank YOU," "No, thank YOU, REALLY!" kind of blog exchange between me and girlnutkin, but I have to tell you what really touched my heart... the profound "ordinary moment" that made the difference...

Shirley acknowledged and honored the grief I've been feeling about my friend, Craig. She read many of the posts I'd written about him and told me that she was moved to tears. It's hard to describe how warm and wonderful it feels to have someone -- a stranger -- tell you that. It makes me feel like I kept a little part of Craig alive. Grief is a very hard emotion... we feel so sad... but if we can somehow just take that love that we lost and keep it alive by sharing it with someone else... and they "get it"... they truly get how wonderful and special that person was, even without knowing him or her personally... we feel like that love is still amongst us.

So that is my ordinary moment... the understanding and kind note of acknowledgement from my new friend, girlnutkin.

The Complicated Relationship Game

Awhile back I changed my Facebook relationship status to "It's complicated." I was tired of "single" status and I was curious to see what kind of comments I would get. Sure enough, I got a good deal of attention... changes to relationship status always generate comments on Facebook, either sympathetic or congratulatory. Most of the comments reassured me that every relationship is complicated. So true.

My scheming mind thought I should capitalize on this. With so many complicated relationships out there, I could create a "Complicated Relationship Game"... kind of like "The Newlywed Game", where you ask each other questions and the other person has to see if they can figure out what their complicated partner is going to say. Of course, I wanted to make the game into a Website or maybe a Facebook app (and market it to everyone who's Facebook status claims they're in "complicated relationships.")

My thinking is that one of the reasons the relationship is complicated is most likely because the complicated couple isn't communicating. My game would change all that. What a revolutionary concept. Maybe after playing the game, the complicated couple would break up or maybe after playing they'd feel closer. Either way, if they played, the hope would be that they would know more about what the other was thinking.

The first question is designed to give everyone some nice warm fuzzies.

* What five things do you like best about your complicated partner?

In order to score points, the partner only has to come up with one item on the list. As long as they figure out one thing, they score points. Each partner has a turn at coming up with five traits they like about their cp (complicated partner) and if the cp guesses only one of them, he/she gets the points.

Now, again, the game is about communication, so the points really don't matter (unless you're a really competitive "Complicated Relationship Game" player.) This first question should get everyone in a happy mood. It's always nice to hear five positive traits about yourself and find out what your cp appreciates about you.

The next question is one of those "sensitive" kind of topics:

* If you could change one thing about your cp, what would it be?

On this question, the cp comes up with three things that they think their partner is going to pick. If one of those is the correct answer, points are scored.

The good thing about this, is it helps people have a discussion about potential relationship problems without one person feeling criticized. Since you both are answering this question, and listing three negative things about yourself (while your partner is only picking one, that will hopefully match one of your selections) there is less chance for hurt feelings. It also gives everyone a chance to find out whether or not that thing you were all insecure about, really is a problem. Your cp might reassure you that they don't think (whatever) is a problem at all! Or maybe they'll confirm that, yes (whatever) is a problem and then you can brainstorm ways to resolve it.

Of course, when I played this game, my cp thought I was perfect. He still didn't want to have a committed relationship with me, even though the only thing he listed he'd change about me was an undisclosed "other." So much for communication.... However, I do want to note that I scored points when it came to answering the question I'd most want to change about him: Better communication...

The game continues with questions to help foster communication. If I were to market this, I'd probably have questions that the couple could choose from that would most match the reason their relationship is complicated. The issues could be related to sex, commitment, kids, family, ex's, habits, compatibility, etc... Often people avoid talking about "sensitive" subjects because they are afraid of hurting feelings or getting in an argument, so instead, things go unsaid. One or both people withdraw, and the partner is left second-guessing what's wrong. Honest communication is hard, but most of us would prefer to know what is on the others' mind. If done respectfully and with sensitivity, it can change a complicated relationship into a solid one.

On the other hand, you might find out your differences are too big. Maybe one person just isn't into the relationship for reasons they don't even understand themselves. If that's the case, as hard as it is, it may be time to move on. Or maybe both partners find they agree that they'd like to "down-level" the relationship, but at least they talk about it. One thing is for sure: without communication, a relationship is bound to fail...

Everythingness Blog and Desiderata

Since participating in the Reverb10 project, I've gotten exposure to all kinds of great blogs! (I think there are over 3000... so... definitely not enough time to check them ALL out..) However, I hope to at least find one each day that has something I can use for my Love eBook project.

One blog I discovered today is called: Everythingness. The author, Amy, has a great style that I enjoy.. the free-flowing conversational thoughts of a seasoned blogger.

As I was perusing her blog, I found an entry called Desiderata ("Desired Things"). The post describes how she once cared for a hospice patient by reading to her. She says:

I remember feeling ease and delight sitting next to her, listening to her sporadic breathing. This was exactly how I wanted to spend my Easter Sunday. Witnessing the dying process summons a sense of resurrection in me and is a reminder to seek life in every moment. To find it in the shadows and the light, in the tangible and the abstract.

Having spent so much time with a dying friend this last year, I can relate. I just had a conversation yesterday about the experience of caring for someone who's dying. Many people stay away because they're "uncomfortable." How sad it is that they can't put aside their discomfort long enough to experience the joy that comes from caring for someone at such an intimate and precious time in their lives.

Amy says there was a poem she saw hanging above the woman's bed and knew in that moment that the woman she was with was not a hospice patient, but a "messenger."

Desiderata – Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Beyond Avoidance - #reverb10

What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)

Today is the first day I'm participating in "Reverb10," the project I blogged about yesterday, in which we bloggers answer the prompted question as a way of reflecting on 2010 and preparing for 2011.

I'd have to give myself a big pat on the back in this area. One of the main themes of my book, The Laptop Dancer Diaries, is to face fears or insecurities and step out of your comfort zone. So I'm going to start by talking about what I did do, even though I was scared, worried, unsure, or busy.

I published a book!
I threw myself a big 50th birthday / book release / love party.
I asked my friends and family to be my virtual running buddies when I ran a marathon.
I fell in love.
I had the courage to break up when I knew he wasn't in love with me.
I got back out there and started dating again.
I surprised my Dad with a visit for his 75th birthday.
I held his hand as he took his last breath.
I let my son take me on a road trip in order to help him learn to drive.
I competed on a reality WhoDunIt show.
I loved a friend who was dying of Lou Gehrig's disease.

So what didn't I do? I didn't really market my book as much as I could have. And I had really hoped to write a second book about love.

I know those of you who read my blog are thinking, "She didn't market her book? Are you kidding? Almost every post has a link to The Laptop Dancer Diaries! She threw herself a book release party, for goodness sakes!"

It is true... I did a fair amount of self-promotion. (This post being a great example of feeling way too "Yay me," but (here's where a lot of people may push the unsubscribe button, so I'm hesitant to say it) I will probably do more in 2011... I have really wanted to become a "love guru" and write a second book: "Lessons of Love from a Laptop Dancer," and let's face it, if you want to be a discovered writer, you have self-promote.

I'm also kind of a social-media addict, so in 2011, I want to use a lot of the techniques I've been reading about to get more traffic for my blog... Maybe even have a newsletter. I'd also really like to try and get more comments on my blog so feel free to help me out! (Even if you just write a token comment like,"Yup!" I will be very happy!)

What else? I hope I will give at least as much as I receive... listen at least as much as I speak... run off at least as many calories as I overeat...

But the number one thing that I hope I will always do is love freely. (Duh! How else will I ever become a "love guru?") (Note: I'm not talking about the '60's definition of "free love..." )

In the words of St. Francis:

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

Reflect on the year with #reverb10

I'd hoped to spend December "looking for love" in the blogosphere -- finding inspirational posts about stories of love and creating an eBook. Then, on December 2nd, I heard that my friend with ALS, Craig, couldn't swallow, and my December posts ended up being centered quite a bit on grief rather than on the happy feelings of love that I'd hoped to have this month.

However, today I found a Website, Reverb10, which undoubtedly will help me get back to my original intentions - finding blogs centered on spreading love and inspirational stories.

Each day in December, Reverb10 offers up a prompt for bloggers aimed at helping us reflect on the past year, and prepare for the coming year. This is the second year of this project, and it appears it will be an annual event, so next year I will be prepared to start on December 1rst!

In the mean time, however, besides providing me with prompts for my own blogging, I will have at my disposal many other blogs to read! The bloggers who are participating are advertised via the sites "Link Love" page, so I am sure to find plenty of insightful writers out there to help me with my eBook Love project.

Even though I'm a little late, I'm excited to get going with today's prompt about "healing." If you like to write, I encourage you to participate on the site, too! Or, if you're more private with your thoughts, maybe just use the prompts to help you reflect yourself on the last year and your preparation for next year.

Altared Spaces » parading the light

Altared Spaces » parading the light

I had planned to use my blog this month to highlight blog posts that demonstrated love. I found an example today on Altared Spaces! Check out the beautiful photos of the lights parade.

From Rebecca Mullen:

One of the things I adore about a small town parade like this is the great lengths to which people will go to transform ordinary life into something extraordinary. I love being witness to someone’s weekend entertainment because I would guess this project united the person inside with someone they love. And I love Love. It was palpable at this parade, and made me merry.

Now THAT's what I'm talking about! Do you have a story or have you read a blog post that talks about love? Tell me about it!

Love Like You Were Dying

I've always loved the lyrics to Tim McGraw's "Live Like You Were Dying."

Craig taught me not just to live but to love like I was dying. Here's my rendition of the lyrics:

Love Like You Were Dying

He said: "I was in my later forties,
"With a lot of life before me,
"And a moment came that stopped me on a dime.
"I spent most of the next day,
"Wondering what I could say,
"Talking about the options and talking about sweet time
I asked him when it sank in,
That this might really be the real end?
How’s it hit you when you get that kind of news?
What do you do?

And he said: "I went bike riding, I went rocky mountain climbing,
"Took trips with kids from here to Timbukto.
"And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter,
"And I didn't waste any time crying."
And he said: "Some day, I hope you get the chance,
"To love like you were dying."

I thought "I've been looking for perfection,
"Worried about rejection.
"Meaningless distresses I've been thinking of.
Now I gave myself permission,
To start a new tradition,
And I called each night to tell him of my love
And I finally read the Good Book,
And I took a good long hard look,
At what I'll do when I can do it all again,

And said:

"I'll go bike riding, I'll go rocky mountain climbing,
"I'll never shy away from saying 'I Love You.'
"And I'll love deeper and I'll speak sweeter,
"And I'll give the passion I've been denying."
And I said: "I'm glad I got the chance,
"To love while you were dying'.

Remember the love

I don't remember the exact quote that Mark Tidd, the pastor at Highlands church made one day. It was something like:

"God bless the people who are suffering from broken hearts. If not for love,there would never be the broken heart. Let them remember the joy from the love they had."

It struck me that grief of any kind is due to the loss of love; often the more we loved, the greater the pain when it's lost. But how great is it that we had that love! And must we really lose it? Even with a divorce, we can still keep the part of our heart that grew because of our love. If we have children, we have beautiful miracles that came from that love. It's a shame that so many people only remember the worst in their ex's instead of remembering with gratitude, the love they once shared.

Friday night I went to Craig's wake and Saturday was the funeral. I've known for months he was planning all the events surrounding his death. He was a bit like a kid planning a big surprise party. I'd seen the gorgeous book he'd had presented to his kids, full of photos and stories of his life. He even got the idea of the Hallelujah song he made for them from the recording of the song I'd made at my 50th birthday party!

I spent the night at the Quality Suites in Evergreen with 25 members of his family that had come in from out of town. I remembered their names from what I call "Craig's List"... the list I used when I'd made the recording for a Thanksgiving surprise and they knew my name as well.

The Mass was the next day, Saturday, and then one final gathering and celebration back at the hotel.

How wonderful it was to share this common love we all had for Craig. Hearing the stories and memories was such a comfort. People would talk about how he "spoke with his eyes"; they'd reiterate that same spirit of determination and vitality that I was so inspired by; they'd talk about his faith; and most especially, they talked about the love of his children.

The deacon encouraged us to tell the stories over and over. He joked, speaking to one of the kids, saying "Ten years from now, you'll hear your sister starting to tell a story and you'll think, 'here we go again!' But keep telling them. When you grow up and have kids, tell them about your Daddy and when they grow up they'll tell their kids. As long as you tell the stories, you'll keep him alive."

I've been wondering if I've written too much about grief lately. I want this blog to be all about love -- inspiring and happy...not depressing. But, again, grief and love are related.

I learned so many lessons about love from Craig, so my posts about him are not over yet. As the deacon advised, I will be telling the stories often. He may be gone, but I am so keeping that love alive.

ALS-Afflicted Friend Gets Thanksgiving Surprise

Today I gave my friend, Craig, the Thanksgiving surprise I've been preparing for him for the past few weeks. Putting together the recording was easy and a wonderful experience for me because I got to hear from so many of Craig's friends and family members who shared memories and plenty of 'I love yous.'

I think I ended up recording about 40 people and the total length of the .mp3 file after concatenating all the files was 1 hour and 6 minutes. It was really moving to listen to this with Craig this afternoon and watch his eyes and smiles as each new person started to speak. At times he would close his eyes as if in prayer, just letting the voices sync into his mind and heart.

After we were through listening, I asked if I could video his response and you'll see that despite his lack of voice, his own 'I love yous' came out loud and clear.

Other posts about Craig:

Spreading Kindness and Love with a Recorded Call
Give the gift of love to someone for the holidays....
A different kind of love...
Requesting prayers rather than money this year
Accolades for Craig
No church for the disabled...
Book Club: ALS Victim inspires spirituality
My Love Party
ALS-Afflicted Friend, Craig, Inspires Love of God

Nine Levels of Love - Podcast with John Maturo

The other day I spoke with relationship coach John Maturo about his eBook, "Nine Levels of Love," and his company NU.

Tune in to this podcast to find out more about the book, the "relationship cruise" that is being offered in 2011, and advice for new singles.



Maturo helps his clients:

•Break free of bad habits

•Overcome old hurts and demons

•Shrug off negative, self-damaging feelings

•Replace unconstructive thoughts

•Improve self-esteem

•Accept yourself, flaws and all

•Find…and keep…the love you crave!

Are Kindness and Love Synonomous?

In honor of World Kindness Week, this week I'm blogging about kindness. This blog is all about love, however, and so the question I've been pondering is: Are kindness and love the same thing?

According to this recent blog post: Kindness is Not the Same as Love. The post gives these definitions for kindness:

Definitions of kindness:

Kindness is evidenced by goodness and charitable behavior, a pleasantness, tenderness and concern for others. According to Aristotle, kindness is an emotion manifesting itself by the desire to help somebody in need, without expecting anything in return. Peter Kreeft defines kindness as “sympathy, with the desire to relieve another’s suffering.” [Envoy Magazine, Vol 9.3, p. 20]

The difference between love and kindness:

Love, on the other hand, according to the article "wills what is best for the other" and makes the point that in some cases, such as parental discipline, love must outweigh kindness for the good of the child. The post is one that is coming from a religious perspective and also points out that an attitude which equates kindness to love can lead to euthanasia or atheism because God didn't save Christ from the suffering on the cross.

Both love and kindness mean doing what's best for the other person

Now, I agree that love and kindness are not exactly the same thing, but not for the same reasons stated in the blog post.

I think both love and kindness want what is best for the other person. I don't think kindness always means "relieving another's suffering" if we don't think that's what's best for the other person. Even in the stated definition, it's the desire to relieve another's suffering. However, it can be especially loving and kind to resist relieving that suffering if you feel that in the long run it is for the best of the other person. This might be comparable to being honest with someone even when it hurts them. If you can do this with respect, in my opinion it is a kind thing. You can discipline with kindness.

As for religion, well... I'm no theologist... but certainly everything in the world is not loving and kind, and I still believe in God. We all need to reach our own conclusions about why bad things happen to good people. Some things are out of our control. But I believe it's within all of our control to live with an attitude of kindness towards other people.

So are they the same thing?

I think that kindness is an aspect of love but not all of what love is. Love is a lot of things. It's something we give, something we receive, something we feel. But, as I surmised in my "8 Kinds of Love" post, there are different kinds of love but not too many different kinds of "kindness." Well... maybe there are, but the point is we are not always kind to people we love.

As the post points out, sometimes we are more kind to strangers than we are to our family members, but that doesn't mean we love them more. It could just mean we're being more polite to strangers... Or it could mean we take our family for granted, knowing they'll still love us, even when we're not so kind... Something to think about.

And sometimes we love someone romantically even when they're not necessarily kind! Actually, that doesn't happen to me too often... I definitely want kindness in a relationship... But I know it does happen! All the time you hear about people being more attracted to "bad boys" or "chicks with an attitude."

Another difference is that we can be super-kind to someone, but it won't necessarily get them to love us. In fact, it may even annoy them if they think we're just being kind so that they will love us. Or maybe they'll appreciate our kindness and think we're a really nice person, but they still won't "love" us.

I think true kindness does not expect anything in return. You're not being kind because you want someone to love you or because you want them to do something for you.. You just are being kind because it's your character. It's natural to smile and to speak respectfully and kindly to everyone you meet.

It is very easy to be kind. Be kind to strangers, to your family, to your friends, to your pets, to yourself... Perhaps the only people it's not easy to be kind to are people who we don't like. But what would happen if we were kind even to them? Well, that's a subject for another day... This blog post is already too long.

So while the meanings are not exactly the same, I'd say kindness is a key ingredient to love. If you're taking your friends and family for granted, maybe it's time to stop and consciously make an effort to treat them with special kindness. Make it a habit.

As for romantic love? Well, kindness won't guarantee you'll get that. But if kindness is a part of your character, you almost certainly will be loved.

Spreading Kindness and Love with a Recorded Call

In honor of World Kindness Week, I wrote up an article about my "Giving a Gift of Love" idea and I'm hoping people will download it and pass it around.

Basically, the idea is to have the friends and family of the intended recipient call in to a conference call with messages of love and then record the call. With the recordings you can create a CD as a gift for the recipient to save and listen to whenever he wants. I'm doing this as a Thanksgiving surprise for my friend, Craig Dunham, who is a victim of ALS.

This idea has turned out to be a really fun experience for everyone involved. All the people who are participating are grateful to have this chance to send their love to Craig in this manner. I really can't wait to give him this recording so he can hear what a difference he's made in so many lives. Talk about kindness... Craig is the man. He's kind even when he can't move or talk! You can just see the kindness in his eyes.

This is especially a wonderful gift for Craig. Since he can't move or talk any more, he can't just pick up the phone and have a conversation with all the people he loves. But he can still hear and he can still love and I feel so lucky that I thought of this way that I could bring a whole bunch of love to him for the Thanksgiving holiday.

Now the rest of you out there CAN pick up the phone and talk! Isn't it amazing what we all take for granted? So even if you don't want to make a recorded call for someone, you can spread kindness and love every day. Don't forget to tell the people in your life how much they mean to you and how much you love them. It will mean more than you know to both of you.

World Kindness Week - Spread Kindness!

I have been meaning for quite some time to blog about the relationship of love and kindness and it looks like this will be the week! Yesterday I learned that Nov.8 - Nov.13 is World Kindness Week!

I blogged once before about the Random Acts of Kindness Foundation. Well, they have a new website that combines social media and kindness! You know I've gotta be all over that! There's even a game you can play to score points for doing kind acts. (You know how much I like points!)

There are all kinds of inspiring stories, ideas for spreading kindness to the world, and the ability to connect to like-minded kind people. How great is that?

I have found that as I surround myself with kind people (whether those be virtual friends or people I see in life all the time) my life just becomes more full of love and happiness. Sometimes my heart is just so full I can't express it. I have some people in my life who are kind beyond words... These people give so freely of themselves whether it be with a check for a good cause, a prayer, a vote in the latest competition, or just an encouraging word. If that's not love, I don't know what is.

I have spread the word about a lot of things since I started getting involved with social media and blogging... some of them have been purely for myself (like asking people to sign up for Jazzed so I could win an iPad) and some have been for other people... asking people to help a girl with Cerebral Palsy, asking for votes for a Children's Hospital, asking for prayers for those in need.

In all those cases, spreading the word made a big difference! Kindness spreads!

So, this week I'm going to blog all I can about kindness and this Random Acts of Kindness Website. Come join! Let's spread the word of kindness!