Single Men Have the Same Concerns as Single Women

The other night I had a chance to share Happy Hour with two eligible bachelors! Imagine my delight when they both agreed to be interviewed for my blog as long as they were anonymous. As it turns out they both had A names, so I'll just call them the A-men. (Adam, if you're reading this, I want you to know that you're the original A-man... )


OK, back to the A-men. So these guys are both good-looking guys -- in their forties, but they could pass for being in their thirties... good hair, no beer bellies, energetic. A1 has never been married and A2 is divorced, but his marriage had been very short. Neither of the A-men had kids and their lifestyles (from what I could gather) seemed active and "Boulder-ish." Even though I'm only a couple of years older, I felt quite a bit more... suburban. I live in family-oriented Superior. I've been a soccer Mom. Before long I'll be a soccer Grandma! But nevermind... this is about them, not me. I'm just saying that I think single people with no kids typically have even more of a single lifestyle than those of us that do have kids.


What surprised me is that these good-looking single guys had the exact same kinds of concerns as women have! I had originally assumed that if they were single, it was because they probably were afraid of commitment. I admit, that's usually my first assumption, especially for the never-been-married set. But after talking to them, it didn't sound like fear of commitment was an issue at all! In fact, A2 said that in his relationships, he was usually the more "clingy" (or at least, the one who wanted to spend more time together as a couple...) Both guys sounded as though they really wanted to be married, or at least in long-term relationships, but just hadn't found the right woman.


A1 asked rhetorically something I know I've often thought myself, "You gotta start questioning why I'm not in a relationship. What's wrong?"


We talked about the universal phenomenon -- we're interested in people who aren't interested in us, but usually not interested in those who are interested in us. Or maybe we're initially attracted to someone, but once we get to know them, we realize it's just not a great fit.


A2 described this feeling of not really being ourselves because we want our date to like us. We jump through hoops, trying to be the person we think they want us to be. Even when we know we shouldn't, we can't help ourselves. "It just shouldn't be that hard," says A2, claiming he won't do that again.


We also talked about getting pickier as we have gotten older. We've been through enough relationships to know we shouldn't overlook the red flags. And, as we get older, we're more settled in our independence. When you haven't had to compromise for years and years, it's kind of hard to look at giving that up. Another thing that most of us older daters have are the scars of broken hearts. Once you've been through a very painful breakup, as much as you may long for a new long-term-relationship, it may be hard for your heart to open up to someone new.


I argued that men have it much easier than women. I said that it seemed there were many more single women than men in the area. The A-Men disagreed. In fact A1 (a fellow-geek) and I tried checking Boulder demographics with our iPhones, but we were unable to come up with any conclusive results about singles. (We did, however, find that there was an overwhelmingly high percentage of men and women around 20-years-old, undoubtedly due to the University, which made me think I might have much better luck finding a mate in Florida than in Boulder...)


A2 felt that finding an available woman in Boulder was very difficult because there were so many good-looking people to compete with. Boulder is full of beautiful people, we all agreed. I thought this logic had some holes, though. There are attractive men and attractive women everywhere, and they are usually the ones in high-demand. If A2 moved to a place full of ugly people, he wouldn't have any competition, but he probably wouldn't be too interested in the women, either.


The bottom line, however, is that these single guys were not so different than single gals. I could relate to many of the frustrations... Even though we each are different in our histories and our lifestyles, there is a bit of a common bond amongst older singles. I was really impressed with these guys -- they opened up enough to share a vulnerability that many men wouldn't. It helped me realize that in many cases, single men struggle just as much as single women.


I stayed at Happy Hour way too long -- how often is it that I get to pick the brains of men about relationships? -- but it was worth it. I wish I would have had the answers for all of us...figured out why we (when we were all so clearly wonderful) weren't in relationships. I really don't know, but at least for that night it worked out well for me, because, after all, I had a wonderful evening enjoying the attention of two handsome men. And so I'll end with a small prayer of thanks: A-men!

Exposing Yourself

The other day an email was sent out by to my "Rebuilder" network by a fellow "Rebuilder", Matt, advertising "Resingled a Divorce Blog" , a male perspective of the newly divorced life. I read it with interest. Relationships are my favorite topic, and, of course, my own blog is about being "resingled". That being said, besides being a female perspective (and 5 years past divorce), I'm not nearly as open as Matt is in his blog about thoughts around sex. Not only are my thoughts about sex ever-changing, it's a very confusing topic. And then there's the fact that sex is very personal. Describing how I feel about it on the internet feels a little bit like posting a nude photo of yourself. It's something intimate. It's kind of like one of those things that you work your way into as you get to know someone.

A male friend once told me a story about a woman he'd met from match.com. She was from out of state. He's a commitmentphobe and has this habit of meeting out-of-staters...Ms. Utah, Ms. Florida, Ms. California, he calls them. Anyway, he flew Ms. Something...I can't remember the state...out for the weekend. They had a nice day, strolling around Denver, and went back to his house (by the way he has this GORGEOUS house...) She "freshens up" and when he comes down to his entertainment room, she is lying nude on his couch. She proceeds to ask if he wants to see her "man in the boat". This, apparently, is a euphemism for asking if he wants to examine her female genitalia. She spreads her legs ready to give him a guided tour to her "boat" and the "man" within.

My friend, who I'll call "Hugh", since he I think he fashions himself another Hugh Hefner, was not prepared for this. He certainly has been around the block a few times, but never had he so abruptly been thrust into this kind of surreal sexual scene. Ms. Out-of-Stater was confused by his lack of eagerness to explore. It seems that other men have jumped (literally) at such an opportunity. I mean, it does sound like something that only happens in porn movies, and I guess her body (I'm not sure if that would be considered her "dock") was playboy material. But still "Hugh" was ready to run for the hills. Where's the mystery? Where's the anticipation? This almost sounds like a gynecology appointment, which I can tell ya, is not that sexy!

"Hugh" once advised me that if I was going to write very personal "stuff" in my blog, that I should never let anyone I'm romantically interested in, read it. He said that's like going "Open Kimono". And I suppose, the more personal it is, it can even be like exposing your "man in the boat" prematurely. On one hand, it feels wonderful to be able to express your innermost thoughts, especially when someone validates those thoughts. You get a feeling that you are not alone. Someone else has these fears, these insecurities, these hopes, these joys. But part of intimacy is to discover these things over time and together. You share a little, he shares a little, a touch, a smile, a bad mood, an embarrassing moment, a fear, a quirk, a hug, a kiss... let it grow. Don't rush to get to the "man in the boat" before you've even had the joys of experiencing the little stuff. There is nothing like those tingles you get from the light touch from a man you have a huge crush on. Though the ultimate fantasy is to have mind-numbing sex, if he whips out his penis and says "Wanna do it?" your infatuation is most likely going to morph to disgust.

There's a lot I'd like to say in response to the entries in Matt's blog, and I know he's looking for comments, but a comment is not enough to give justice to my female perspective about sex and singlehood. I would say that though it may be closer to "typically female" it's unique in that every one of us is different in how we feel about this topic. I commend Matt for his openness in sharing his thoughts. Though some I agree with and others I don't, it confirms my belief that we are all different, and discovering our inner thoughts (without necessarily exposing our "man in the boat") is how we get closer to love. Perhaps that's why reading blogs can be so entertaining. You get a glimpse into someones "real" personality and you feel a sense of closeness to them. But when it comes to "real" relationships, it must be a journey that you're walking together side by side. Whether your goal is sex or love, enjoy the small steps of intimacy along the way.

Adventures, Writing, and Love

I'm trying to get back on track with my 2008 resolutions and goals again. In many ways they've been going well, but the two that are giving me trouble are the same two that always give me trouble: "Write a Book" and "Fall in Love". The resolution that has been most successful has been my "Adventure a Month" commitment.

I thought I could kill 3 birds with one stone by writing a book about my adventures and falling in love. The monthly adventures themselves I thought might provide opportunities for love. I also have been on match.com and committed to at least a "date-of-the-month" which might lead to love. Again, this would provide fodder for my "book". A nice mix of adventure and romance would surely make it to the Oprah Book Club List.

I was hoping by mid-year I'd have had 6 adventures, be in love, and have documented it all along the way. Well, here it is mid-year. I've had 6 adventures (and hope to have 6 more before the year is over). I have done fairly well with "getting out there" and dating. That part of my year has had its ups and downs. And writing about it? Well... I worry about privacy...both mine and that of my dates. If I were to really write a book about it, I'd be tempted to exaggerate...stories are always better if you "enhance" them a bit. But I would never want to hurt anyone by publicly writing about my (typically very unreasonable) reasons for not wanting to progress a relationship.

Of course, there were times when the tables were turned, and the guy I was interested in was not interested in me. I could limit my book to just those stories... But the truth is, it has been a mix. I've been on both sides of the rejection equation. And though neither side is comfortable, it has been a good balance and given me experience.

In any case, I suppose I could write about my adventures and throw in some of the dating stories and change the names. With self-publishing as an option, I'm not really that worried about the book being any good. The chances of my "dates" reading it are slim to none. Maybe it's time to start back with "The Laptop Dancer Diaries".

Bachelor #1

Ah....vacation at last! My match.com subscription, along with the accompanying email had become quite a distraction the last few days at work. I admit to a moment of embarrassment when a colleague came by only to find me purusing the site, checking out profiles. But I played it cool... pretended it was work related. just doing a little research... checking out the user-friendliness of the Website....

OK, about my online dating game. I was exited about it on the first day. It was the perfect opportunity to winnow out the 99% of the population that I didn't want to date anyway. I knowingly sent people to my blog because I knew they would be turned off. I mean first a guy takes the risk to email me, then I ask him to jump through hoops and play a dating game so that maybe he'll win a date in a month with someone that's obviously "love-challenged" and...the real kicker...it will all get blogged about.... yeah, I don't think there's too much incentive going on there. Conveniently, this strategy would mean I rarely would have to write one of those uncomfortable, "I'm not interested" emails. I let them figure out that they're not interested.

But on the very first day I did get a guy that was spunky enough to want to play. Though I didn't really plan to reveal this, my thought was that ANYONE that had the confidence to be up for the game, despite my admissions that I'd be blogging about it, would score enough points with me that I'd put them first on my priority list.

Bachelor #1 scored big time in all the other categories, too, with the exception of distance.

* Age...exactly the same as me! Can't get better than that!

* Distance...Denver. Well, this one's a little iffy. A little far for a workday lunch, but not far enough to be out of the question.

* Creativity...Oh Yeah. Lots of points in this category. That's especially impressive for someone that doesn't know me. I've determined that "sense of humor" is on my "must have" list.

* Looks...He's got the requisite good-looking photos, especially the smile.

* Intelligence...I haven't notice a single misspelling in his communication (come to think of it, I'd better spell-check my own profile!) More than spelling, though, he has a style that shows he's up for some mental sparring.

* Good Father....Both his profile and his photos show that kids and family are important to him. I'm not looking for a father for my kids. But I want someone that has experienced that...that understands and feels that same unconditional love you can only get by being a parent.

So I sort of hit paydirt on the first day. I haven't been sending any other match people to my blog. If I already found someone with high points and he's willing to meet me, I should just go for it, right?

Well, as a matter of fact, Bachelor #1 did ask me for coffee, and I played my usual, "I'm too busy" card. The truth is I have been really, really busy. But I know it's also the I-don't-really-want-to-have-a-first-meeting-date procrastination. I just do not like being thrust into a "date". I know it's always the same...no butterflies, no giddy infatuation, no chemistry. My chemicals seem to have all fizzled out and I end up feeling bad. Sometimes its easier to just stay behind the computer and fantasize that this might be "the one' than face a real person.