12 Tips on how to be a good Virtual Running Buddy

One of the toughest parts about being single is feeling like you don't have someone special to share life's ups and downs with. I've learned that that's simply not true. Even as we're literally running up and down hills, we can share a sweaty moment of heavy breathing and excitement with a loved one!

On Sunday, I'll run my third and final marathon: The Denver Rock'n'Roll. This year the plan is to run with my neighbor, Bonnie, but we got separated in the first 5 minutes of the half-marathon we did in August, so I need a backup plan. (If I have to run 26.2 miles by myself, I will go crazy.)

Five years ago, when I ran the DisneyWorld marathon, I implemented a very successful Virtual Running Buddy program. I got lots of friends and family to call and cheer me on throughout the race. I even wrote an article about it for Colorado Runner!

After the race, I wrote a blog post, Single, But Not Alone. I was filled with happiness at getting so many calls and having had the ability to share the excitement of the marathon with friends. So, I decided to repeat the program. If I don't get separated from Bonnie, I'll let the calls go to voicemail, but whether it's in the moment or on a voicemail, it will be wonderful to hear the voices of my friends as they cheer me on.

I dug out my email from 5 years ago and was reminded of the fun I had in planning this. Here were my suggestions on how to be a good Virtual Running Buddy:

#1 Cheer the runner on! Example: You can do it! You're almost there!

#2 Ask the runner how far she is / what she's experiencing, etc. If she says "pain" gently remind her that this was her choice to run, and then go to a different Talking Point.

#3 Tell the runner what you are doing. Be very descriptive. Answer any questions she has for you giving, long drawn-out answers to make the time go by.

#4 Entertain the runner with jokes, songs, silly stories, anecdotes, poems, riddles, games etc.

#5 Boost the runner's ego by telling her lots of wonderful things that she likes to hear.

#6 Tell the runner all about your favorite hobby or interest.

#7 Get the runner's adrenaline going by starting a debate about a controversial hot button.

#8 Come up with something creative to say during your allotted time slot.

#9 Tell the runner one of your most private secrets.

#10 Ask the runner for advice on a problem you're experiencing, and realize she will be thinking about it and giving you thoughtful advice the next time she talks to you.

#11 Play some kind of little game like 20 questions with the runner.

#12 Read or say something "juicy."

or.....anything you want to talk about for 5 minutes!

Do:
* Call at your appointed time and be aware of when the next caller is scheduled.
* Be energetic and entertaining.

Don't:

* Expect the runner to be too talkative, especially in the second half of the race.
* Hang up on the runner without saying goodbye.
* Go to sleep, watch TV, or be otherwise distracted.
* Burp, fart, or go to the bathroom while talking to the runner.

6 Things to Keep Your Spirits Up When You're in a Dry Spell

Dating Goddess over 40 wrote a blog post I could relate to: Dry Spells. These are the times we're not in a relationship and we're really not in the mood to date. This can be a rather depressing time... Maybe we just got out of a relationship, or maybe we just are a little tired of the dating game. She asks at the end of the post what we do to keep our spirits up during dry spells? My comment was getting so long, I decided to write a post of my own... Here are some of the things I do when I'm in this mode.

1) Explore a passion - Here's a time to just lose yourself into something you love to do, but never have time for. Check meetup.com or use the web to find other people that have the same passion.

2) Give yourself a makeover - New clothes, new hairstyle, new makeup. It doesn't feel quite so risky to experiment with stuff like a new hairstyle when you're completely single. If it doesn't come out perfect, who cares? You have time to get used to it or change it again.

3) Focus on friends and family - One thing that's great about being in a relationship is that it's fun to lavish your love focus with little surprise gifts, text messages, or other little things to let him know you're thinking of him. Why not spend that same energy on the other people you love in your life? Surprise your friends and family with some extra attention.

4) Volunteer - There are so many opportunities to help others. Volunteering usually puts things into perspective. You realize that being single is really a trivial problem compared to all the other problems in the world. And if your insecurity is age, volunteer at a nursing home. You will feel very young! (And there are plenty of old people that will think you're the hottest thing ever!)

5) Learn Something New - Dig out that list of stuff that you always wanted to learn and get started! Take a class, read books, find mentors, experts, or other people who want to learn too. Like #1 (Exploring a passion), meetup and the Web are good areas to find people and resources to help you.

6) Get Attention From Single Friends - I have some friends who "fill in" with things like occasional text messages, coffee breaks, or platonic dates. During a time when I'm feeling especially lonely, it's nice to have a "safe" flirt buddy to exchange "sweet dreams" text messages with.

So there you have it. Goodbye depression! If you're focusing on loving others (and, of course, yourself!), you may not be in a relationship, but you will have plenty of love in your life.

Single Men Have the Same Concerns as Single Women

The other night I had a chance to share Happy Hour with two eligible bachelors! Imagine my delight when they both agreed to be interviewed for my blog as long as they were anonymous. As it turns out they both had A names, so I'll just call them the A-men. (Adam, if you're reading this, I want you to know that you're the original A-man... )


OK, back to the A-men. So these guys are both good-looking guys -- in their forties, but they could pass for being in their thirties... good hair, no beer bellies, energetic. A1 has never been married and A2 is divorced, but his marriage had been very short. Neither of the A-men had kids and their lifestyles (from what I could gather) seemed active and "Boulder-ish." Even though I'm only a couple of years older, I felt quite a bit more... suburban. I live in family-oriented Superior. I've been a soccer Mom. Before long I'll be a soccer Grandma! But nevermind... this is about them, not me. I'm just saying that I think single people with no kids typically have even more of a single lifestyle than those of us that do have kids.


What surprised me is that these good-looking single guys had the exact same kinds of concerns as women have! I had originally assumed that if they were single, it was because they probably were afraid of commitment. I admit, that's usually my first assumption, especially for the never-been-married set. But after talking to them, it didn't sound like fear of commitment was an issue at all! In fact, A2 said that in his relationships, he was usually the more "clingy" (or at least, the one who wanted to spend more time together as a couple...) Both guys sounded as though they really wanted to be married, or at least in long-term relationships, but just hadn't found the right woman.


A1 asked rhetorically something I know I've often thought myself, "You gotta start questioning why I'm not in a relationship. What's wrong?"


We talked about the universal phenomenon -- we're interested in people who aren't interested in us, but usually not interested in those who are interested in us. Or maybe we're initially attracted to someone, but once we get to know them, we realize it's just not a great fit.


A2 described this feeling of not really being ourselves because we want our date to like us. We jump through hoops, trying to be the person we think they want us to be. Even when we know we shouldn't, we can't help ourselves. "It just shouldn't be that hard," says A2, claiming he won't do that again.


We also talked about getting pickier as we have gotten older. We've been through enough relationships to know we shouldn't overlook the red flags. And, as we get older, we're more settled in our independence. When you haven't had to compromise for years and years, it's kind of hard to look at giving that up. Another thing that most of us older daters have are the scars of broken hearts. Once you've been through a very painful breakup, as much as you may long for a new long-term-relationship, it may be hard for your heart to open up to someone new.


I argued that men have it much easier than women. I said that it seemed there were many more single women than men in the area. The A-Men disagreed. In fact A1 (a fellow-geek) and I tried checking Boulder demographics with our iPhones, but we were unable to come up with any conclusive results about singles. (We did, however, find that there was an overwhelmingly high percentage of men and women around 20-years-old, undoubtedly due to the University, which made me think I might have much better luck finding a mate in Florida than in Boulder...)


A2 felt that finding an available woman in Boulder was very difficult because there were so many good-looking people to compete with. Boulder is full of beautiful people, we all agreed. I thought this logic had some holes, though. There are attractive men and attractive women everywhere, and they are usually the ones in high-demand. If A2 moved to a place full of ugly people, he wouldn't have any competition, but he probably wouldn't be too interested in the women, either.


The bottom line, however, is that these single guys were not so different than single gals. I could relate to many of the frustrations... Even though we each are different in our histories and our lifestyles, there is a bit of a common bond amongst older singles. I was really impressed with these guys -- they opened up enough to share a vulnerability that many men wouldn't. It helped me realize that in many cases, single men struggle just as much as single women.


I stayed at Happy Hour way too long -- how often is it that I get to pick the brains of men about relationships? -- but it was worth it. I wish I would have had the answers for all of us...figured out why we (when we were all so clearly wonderful) weren't in relationships. I really don't know, but at least for that night it worked out well for me, because, after all, I had a wonderful evening enjoying the attention of two handsome men. And so I'll end with a small prayer of thanks: A-men!

Single Parents Celebrate Father's Day With an Annual Picnic

When Scotty was younger, I was very active in a Non-Profit organization called Parents Without Partners (PWP). I'm not crazy about the name "Parents Without Partners." I remember the conversation I had with Scotty when we joined:

Me: Let's go to this Picnic put on by this group called Parents Without Partners.
Scotty: That sounds like a group for sad people.

He was right! The name did sound kind of pathetic. Unfortunately, since it's an international organization, that's the name the group is stuck with, though I know in the Denver Area Meetup group, it's called "Dynamic Single Parents" which I think sounds much more upbeat.

Well we did join and I'm so glad. I met loads of new friends, including my friend, Craig Dunham, who I blogged about yesterday. My favorite events put on by PWP are the annual Mother's Day and Father's Day picnics.

In single-parent households, we don't have spouses helping kids make our day special. Often mothers and fathers are left with making their own celebrations. And there can be a lot of emotion tied up on holidays when you're single. You kind of want your special day and don't want to have to be the one doing all the work to get it.

What happens with the PWP Picnics, is that the fathers in the group are responsible for planning a great big family picnic and spoiling all the mothers on Mother's Day. The men go all out with their skills on the grill -- more than the typical BBQ-fare. The men are encouraged to be creative with their cooking and there are plenty of home-made salads, side dishes and desserts. And on top of that, each mother is presented with a rose, flowers, or some sort of treat. There are plenty of activities and games for kids, who range from babies to full-grown adults.

The fathers know it's in their best interest to do this, because Father's Day comes a month later and the women, feeling all spoiled by chocolate-covered strawberries and flowers, are ready to see if they can out-do the men. Today was the day, and as usual, the picnic tables were loaded up with a feast fit for the PWP kings.

A result of this ritual, is that friendships form, and the group of single parents becomes a little community -- a group of friends that support one another. One tough thing about being single is that we often miss out on the fun of surprising a spouse with a fun treat. Most of us love the opportunity both to be the center of attention and to treat someone else special when it's their turn. Having a support community like PWP helps people find friends both for themselves and their kids. So even though I'm not an active member of PWP anymore, I was very happy to attend both Mother's Day and Father's Day picnics this year. Here's some footage I got from today's event at EB Rains Park :

Ten Romantic Dates - For Singles Too!

One of the things I used to hate about being single was the lack of romantic dates. I love to do romantic things, but, let's face it, it can be downright depressing to go somewhere romantic by yourself! And sometimes Laptop Guy just doesn't fit the bill!

I used to read articles like Ten Most Romantic Dates and think... when, when, when will I get to do those things again?

One of the things I learned in my year of looking for love is that you can have a lot of romance in your life even when you're single. Your single friends are often yearning for romance, too! Although it might be a little tricky to do romantic things with your opposite sex platonic friend, if you talk about it ahead of time, it can be really fun. Kind of a little role play game. When I'm in this mode I even like to pretend I'm married and say stuff like, "Honey, let's go see that great new chick flick!" Then later on we can still pretend we're married and be uninterested in sex.

You hear a lot about "Friends with Benefits" -- sexual relationships with no commitment. Why not instead have the "benefit" be the romantic stuff... enjoying a sunset or sharing a bottle of wine or snuggling while watching a DVD together? If it's too awkward to do this with a platonic friend, then skip the snuggling if you want. Act like buddies or siblings or whatever feels comfortable, but don't skip the opportunity to share beautiful experiences. If not with an opposite sex friend, how about a same sex friend or family member? Hikes filled with wildflowers, jumping in the ocean, snowshoeing through a snowstorm -- you can do these romantic things in groups, with kids, or with anyone you love!

If you've been longing to go romantic places and do romantic things, but have been waiting until you're in a relationship -- Stop waiting!

Here's a list of 10 romantic things a single person can do:

- Lose yourself in a book in front of the fire
- Take a hike in the mountains
- Jump in the waves of the ocean
- Lay outside on a sunny day and enjoy the sunshine
- Savor the taste of an ice cream cone on a hot day
- Go on a trip to somewhere new and meet new people; When you get home, add them to your Facebook friends and send them pictures you took with them
- Go through old photos and create a beautiful photo album
- Surprise someone you love with a gift for no reason
- Take a luxurious bubble bath with candles and music
- Snuggle in a goose down comforter

There are thousands more, of course. Do something romantic every day! Do these things with friends, family or on your own. Take pictures and post them online! (Well... maybe not of the bubblebath.) One of the things I love about blogging is it gives us a chance to share our happiness with the world.

I guess Laptop Guy isn't such a bad romantic partner after all.

Single or in a relationship, what kind of romantic dates are your favorite?

The Laptop Dancer Diaries is Available!

What's the secret to falling in love? The Laptop Dancer Diaries is a story of my year-long journey as a single mom, determined to figure it out.

I realize something is wrong when the closest thing I have to a boyfriend is my laptop. Sure he's easy to turn on, but his performance is not what it used to be. I want more. I vow to venture out into the real world, take more risks and conquer my insecurities.

My three resolutions: to have an adventure a month, to fall in love, and to write a book, are all intertwined, resulting in a story that will inspire readers to follow their dreams. By sharing my honest, hilarious and often embarrassing stories, older singles will discover the ups and downs of dating in the millennium. The secret to falling in love is revealed at last in the surprising conclusion.

The Laptop Dancer Diaries will make you laugh, it will make you cry, it will make you say, "Huh?"

Buy the book.

Join the FaceBook Fan Club.

Submit feedback via TheLaptopDancerDiaries Website.

Let the Dating Games Begin

I have reached a high-point in my life. I'm serious! I'm even envious of me...great family, friends, health, job. I can't remember another time when I felt so worry-free. But it's goal setting time, and the one thing that is lacking in my life is romance. I just can't seem to fall in love. I've tried all the different avenues for meeting people from single's events to doing nothing (they say the less you look, the more likely you are to find love). Well, so far, whether I'm looking or not, I haven't found it. I have found a lot of fun, flirty, guy-friends, and that is fulfilling to a point, but I want the real deal....those illusive butterflies...that can't-wait-to-kiss-you-want-to-spend-every-minute-with-you madness. Am I destined to never have that again?

Here are some of the various excuses and rationalizations explaining why I never seem to fall in love:

1) I'm unrealistically picky. I even nix guys that are "too good-looking".
2) I've never gotten over my post-divorce rebound guy.
3) I don't have time.
4) I'm a Cybersexual (This is a word I use to explain my love for Laptop Guy).
5) I hate dating "chit-chat" (This time I'll reveal TMI before we even meet.)
6) I don't want to give up my flirty "pretend" boyfriends.
7) Guys my age are often discouragingly unappealing.
8) I do not like to deal with rejection...either giving it or getting it.
9) The guys I'm attracted to are those that are the most unavailable.
10) I hear about friends' boyfriends and realize being single's not so bad.

Some of the excuses are lame. Some are valid. But I need a challenge for 2008 so here it is. I am vowing here and now, with the internet world as my witness (which doesn't mean too much since not that many people read my blog) that I WILL fall in love in 2008. And when I make a goal, I become obsessive about it. I have lists, and little milestones, I read books and play games where I give myself "points" for doing things that move me closer to meeting my goals. A bit weird, but that's me. (Maybe I should add "I'm too weird" to my list of why I don't fall in love.)

So as part of my "Love Goal", yesterday I signed up for Match.Com's "6-month guarantee" program. This means I have to keep my profile public and respond or email at least 5 new guys a month. I'm also going to have a personal goal to meet at least 1 new guy for a "meeting/date" a month.

Now I really don't like online dating for a variety of reasons (I won't bore you with another list), but in order to make this fun, I've decided that each month I will have a little game to figure out who my date is going to be. Then I'll give the date a public evaluation via blog. I figure it will kind of be like "The Bachelor" but in blog-format. (Yes, I am the Bachelorette...please no snickers from my audience.) I'm going to be up-front with my potential dates and let them read my blog. I only want to go out with someone gutsy enough to risk getting a public "date evaluation".

I suspect that such a game will turn off a lot of potential dates. That doesn't bother me because, as we've established, I don't like dating anyway. This will help me find someone that's just crazy enough to humor me with my silly games. Such a man may not exist, but if he does, he'll at least score some points in my love game!