OkCupid - The Best of the Online Dating Sites?

My 23-year-old son, Matt, a CU medical school student in his second year, has been spending this week of his winter break with me... that is when he's not texting or calling or going out with the girl he met recently on OkCupid. He is definitely smitten. He can't stop talking about how absolutely perfect they are for one another. And she is the only person he's ever met from online dating. In fact, I think this is his first experience with online dating at all, and he's hit the jackpot.

Despite my vast experience with online dating, I had not known about OkCupid! Matt has told me all about it, and, of course, online dating guru that I am, I had to check it out! (I feel I must interject here to mention that personally, I've been in kind of a not-really-wanting-to-date place.) It's all about the research....

So, I signed up, and I have to say, it's quite unique and interesting! It's got the ability to search and there are a lot of people (the best thing about match) but you answer all these questions so you can determine compatibility (the "supposedly" best thing about eHarmony) and it's FREE (the best thing about plentyoffish.)

There are hundreds of questions that are posed... you can pose them yourself... and through some very interesting algorithms you end up being able to find out how potential dates feel about all kinds of topics, including all the biggies: politics, sex and religion. You also get to say which answers you'd accept in a date and how important that is for you. Even though I'm not really feeling like dating, I just think it's an incredibly interesting way of getting to know people!

I've always been interested in personality typing systems (ie. Myers-Briggs, Enneagrams) and this site has all kinds of tests and little games to help you know more about yourself and a potential date. Of course, there's the danger of being "labeled" or for your answers to be misinterpreted... but there's even the ability to explain an answer if it's one of those "it depends" kind of situations.

Some of the questions are pure "intelligence" questions (ie. which is bigger, the sun or the earth?) and I suppose those are thrown in there to check if you're an airhead. I messed up on a simple logic question (And I'm an engineer! I'm like a genius at even really complicated logic questions!) But... it was early, and I was careless and thinking...ha ha ha... any dummy can do this...) It doesn't look like you can change your answers so... now people will think I'm a logic dunce, which is kind of a bummer. But, the truth is, I can be an airhead sometimes about a lot of stuff (not logic, mind you.. but just about anything else), so if someone doesn't want to be stuck with an airhead, I suppose it's only fair that they find out sooner, rather than later.

I have been getting a fair amount of interest. One guy even found me and bought my book! Woo Hoo! (Months of blogging about my book and I hardly get any sales... Who knew I should have targeted the online dating sites with my shameless self-promotion!) He's quite the blogger himself! Check out this post he wrote about relationships as well as his interview with Dr. Cornell about emotional abuse of men by women. Having spent a lot of time volunteering with people who are going through divorce recovery, this isn't the first I've heard of this.

I already feel like OkCupid has more than paid off. (Well.. after all, it's free...) Ready-for-dating or not, I am definitely going to be exploring OkCupid some more... I predict this site is going to be the new big online dating site of the year!

Is Romantic Love Destined to Dwindle?

Yesterday, I blogged about the different types of love, naming "romantic love" as the one most of us think of when we hear the word, 'love.'

I think romantic love is the most confusing of all of them... It's the type of love most of us yearn for, but can't seem to control. In fact, when we're in love, we feel completely out of control... obsessive, distracted, crazy! And if the other person feels the same way about us, it's absolutely wonderful! I don't know if this is "real" love. I've always thought of this more as "infatuation." Nevertheless, it's magical.

I read an article that reiterated what I've heard before. The shelf life for "romantic love" is about two years.

When boiled down romantic love is about as realistic as trying to build a meaningful relationship with your television set. As such it is only sustainable for about two years and then the inevitable happens; the screen tarnishes, the mental projector breaks down and you start seeing each other for who you really are. This is when lovers accuse each other of changing or not being the person they fell in love with and/or married.

(Note: Laptop Guy and I have been in a relationship for more than two years, and I have noticed that he's been shutting down prematurely lately. I think it may be the beginning of the end for us.)

The article says that part of the problem is that we have these unrealistic expectations about our mate, and when we see them for who they really are, we feel like we're no longer in love.

The truth is good relationships are mundane and when the myths fail, the relationship has a better chance of working; just look at the success of arranged marriages. The difference between these and prince and princess unions is that arranged affairs don’t start out with the expectation that you will be on a pedestal and worshipped forever.

I actually always used this argument to explain the success of my own marriage (that is until I got divorced...) I got married because I was pregnant. I didn't feel "in love." But I grew to love my husband because of who he was...not because I was looking at him through rose-colored glasses. I used to say that unlike other couples who marry when they're starry-eyed, I loved my husband much more after we were married. It seemed to be more of a mature love, rather than that obsessive, romantic love. It was kind of a bummer that I went into my marriage being petrified, rather than excited, but I saw the man I married for who he was...both his faults and his strengths... and I saw that he loved me and was doing his best to be a good husband and a good father. And I grew to love him very deeply.

On the other hand, he was "in romantic love" with me when we got married, so he was in for a rude awakening when I fell off the pedastal. (This may have come when he realized I watched the soap opera, All My Children.)

We had a good marriage for 19 years (despite my All My Children addiction) until he fell "in love" with someone else and realized he was no longer happy with the status quo of a rather boring marriage. (I was no longer watching All My Children, but he was not happy with my interest in the sitcom, Friends, either.)

I can't really blame him. Those shows are pretty stupid. (Perhaps if I were watching something called, My Dear Husband, he might not have minded so much...)

And I get it that being in love feels great. I might have done the same thing. It really does feel a lot better to be "in love" than to be in a marriage where romantic love seems non-existent. The problem is, according to the literature on this stuff, it never lasts, and unfortunately, at this age, I often have a hard time even getting it to start!

So what do you do if you want to fall in love? Well, I am doing research on this. Tune in tomorrow when we dissect romantic love a little further...

Tipper and Al: Divorce after 40 years?

I've been reading the press about the Gores' separation, and though I'm really not one that likes "gossipy" celebrity news, I am interested in these mid-life divorces, perhaps because I've been through one myself. Of course, Tipper and Al were married twice as long as I was, so I imagine their divorce will be twice as difficult. I'm sure it doesn't help to have everyone discussing it, and yet, here I am, discussing it, too.

It was tough to start dating again in my40's. I can't imagine doing it in my 60's. Do the Gore's know what they're in for? They have kids. They have history. They have 40 years. And they still even look pretty good! Didn't they just have a big passionate public kiss not so long ago? Of course, Bella DePaulo of Living Single wasn't surprised about the split because she felt the public display of affection was pure performance.

Whether it was an act or not, after 40 years, you are family. I actually felt this way throughout my marriage. Love wasn't about passion or attraction. My husband was my partner., the father of my kids.. not someone disposable. It's a lot easier to endure (and even get comfort from) each others' quirks and odd habits after so many years than it is to start over with someone new. It's funny... when I was married, there were so many things my husband did that I think would drive me crazy now... and yet, they didn't really bother me when I was married to him. You just accept those things, the same way we accept the irritating habits of all our loved ones.

One thing that bothered me about this article on the Gores' separation was the statement:

We live in a culture where there are two major values when it comes to marriage.
To some, personal happiness is more meaningful than anything else and to others
a sense of family connection with all its problems trumps the frenetic pursuit
of personal happiness.

This sounds as if you have to choose between happiness and "family connection." Now that's rather cynical! Isn't anyone happily married anymore? Why is it "family connection with all its problems" trumping personal happiness? I think family connection with all its joys is what brings personal happiness!

Now, of course, it takes two to tango, and if one person wants out of a marriage, well... there's not too much the other one can do. Luckily, there are ways, other than marriage, to have family connections and other intimate relationships. And everyone has to choose their own path. But I do think this theory that some have that divorce is about finding "personal happiness" is misguided.

Personal happiness is not about staying in a marriage or getting a divorce. It's about finding love in whatever your situation is in life. If you are married, then choose to support and love your partner. If you are single, then choose to support and love your friends and family. Either way, I believe choosing love and personal happiness is in our control!

Book Club: Remember Love

This month we are reviewing The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin in the Lessons of Love Virtual Book Club. Today's topic is Chapter 2: Remember Love.

Since the purpose of this book club is to learn all about love, I was particularly interested in how this chapter might tie together happiness and love. Can you have one without the other?

Gretchen wrote mostly of "married love." I was married for 19 years and I recognized many of the things she described... the familiar place we reach with our spouse where we start to take them for granted. Gretchen's goals for the month included

• Quit nagging.


• Don't expect praise or appreciation.


• Fight right.


• No dumping.


• Give proofs of love.

Most of her examples were stories about her relationship with her husband, Jamie. She also shared a story of planning a birthday party for her mother-in-law, but even in that story, the relationship she continued to explore was that with her husband. She talked a lot of wanting a "gold star" of recognition and was particularly pleased when Jamie surprised her with a necklace to thank her for all her efforts in planning his mother's party.

Giving and getting love from a spouse is a luxury that I don't have right now. That lack of intimacy has been one of the most difficult things to accept of my single status. The quest to find love was the biggest reason for my own experiment, documented in The Laptop Dancer Diaries - A Mostly True Story About Looking for Love Again.

It's funny how the ups and downs we have with love exist, whether we are single or married, but in such different ways. When we are single, a new relationship can bring the thrills of early love. We have the fantasies and tingles. But we also have insecurities. And those of us that are divorced have "baggage." Many of us had had our hearts broken so deeply or so often that we are very cautious about loving again. Still we try. We go through the motions of chit-chat and dating, wishing we could skip over that and just move to that familiar mature love of marriage.

But our married friends have their problems with love, too. There are compromises that must be made. There are annoyances that are inevitable when you live with someone. I know there are many people who feel very lonely in their marriages. I would prefer to be single than to be in a bad marriage. Of course, the chapter also reminded me of many of the joys of marriage. Finding creative and fun ways to show your love, giving each other strokes, having a partner who you can share your day with.

For the first few years following my divorce, I felt that I could only be fully happy if I were married again. Without a husband, I felt unloved and incomplete. I somehow needed a spouse to prove to myself that I was loveable. If it wasn't a "spouse," I needed at least to be in a relationship. If I didn't have some sort of boyfriend or partner, it felt like I didn't have love.

But I have learned that there are so many people in the world that will accept my love and will give me some back in return. I have parents, kids, siblings and friends who I can show "proofs of love" as Gretchen calls them. In many ways, being single has allowed me to expand my friendships and connections and find and share love with so many more people than I'd be able to if I were married. It's different from the married love that she describes, but it's love.

This article from Psychology Today says that some people are happier than others, but marriage does not seem to be a factor. That is my experience as well. There were times in my marriage when I was happy and times when I was not, just as there have been times since my divorce that I was happy and times I was not. Overall, it probably all averages out to about the same.

I feel love is a huge part of happiness. They are intertwined. As a single Mom, my goals related to love would be different from Gretchen's, but I still would focus very much on love in my own Happiness Project. Perhaps my goals might be:

• Remember birthdays and holidays, putting extra effort into personal gifts for loved ones


• Share emotional intimacy with my close friends by dinners, walks, phone calls, etc


• Be open to accepting new people into my life, always looking for something to love about them


• Don't be afraid to show love to friends, even when you aren't interested in romance

Whatever our relationship status, we all need to give and receive love. What are your personal love goals that will bring you more happiness?

Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone...

Judgement against others was the topic of the sermon at church on Sunday. I've been attending Highlands, the church where my son-in-law's father, Mark Tidd, is the pastor.

Mark really is a gifted speaker. Every time I listen to him, I laugh, I learn, I'm inspired, and I'm usually very moved by his messages.

This week, he spoke about the parable in which a woman caught in adultery is brought before Jesus and he says, “He who is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone at her.” The people walk away, recognizing that they are not without sin. (By the way, this is the story in which one of my children once questioned the meaning of 'getting stoned'... But I digress.)

Mark talked about the judgements that are being made in our modern world; judgements between races, religions, politics, sexual orientation, and then he reminded us of the one we tend to forget: judgements against the judgers. Mark talked about how natural it was for us to want to "throw stones" at those we disagree with or those who we feel wronged us. He asked us to imagine how much better it would be if the stones were just dropped rather than thrown at people.

There were little sheets of paper with a drawing of a stone and he asked us each to write the name of someone who we were throwing stones at... either with our judgements or our anger. Then, as we walked up for communion at the alter, we were to crumple the stones and throw them in a pot.

I initially couldn't think of anyone to write on my stone. I mentally gave myself an 'at-a-girl' for being such a non-judgemental person. But then I remembered my ex-husband and his wife. I rarely talk about them, but in my mind, I still play the victim, blaming them for the divorce. So I wrote down their names, realizing that I had been judging them for years.

I don't know why this was so profound for me. Maybe it's just because I've been going through a lot of stressful stuff lately, or maybe it's because I hadn't even realized how I'd still been hanging on to this anger. But as I crumpled up that paper and threw it in the pot, I started crying. I'd been carrying that stone in my heart for over six years. It felt good to finally throw it away.

Out With the Old, In With the New

I have a lot of difficulty “letting go”...whether we're talking about a relationship or an old vase, I just am not good about getting rid of stuff. My ex is the opposite. When we were married, some of our biggest arguments were about throwing away old stuff. He would go through a room and just throw away anything that he thought was old or imperfect. “If it hasn't been used in a year, you don't need it”, was his motto. I, on the other hand, attached sentimental value to every object. The ticket stubs to movies, the silky nighty I wore on our honeymoon that had become worn out and lace-torn, the beautiful vase gotten as a wedding gift, now held together with hot glue.

So, 5 years ago, when my ex left (out with the old, in with the new), perfectly in character, he said he'd rather have cash than the house or any of the “stuff” within. This worked out perfectly for me. Though it's not easy to afford or maintain this big house, I get to hold on to all my glorious “stuff”. I even had trouble getting rid of the piece of driftwood found in Mendocino that we'd put on the bed to symbolize we'd felt disconnected... like we were “drifting” apart. (Although I admit to being tempted to throw that one through the window of his new house with a note that said, “your new wife might want this”.)

Without my ex around any more to throw away all my precious junk, my kitchen-cabinet-cleanup project is long overdue. My idea of making spaghetti sauce is heating up a jar of Prego so this is more kitchen than I deserve, but I still love it. Taking everything out, one cabinet at a time, I discovered all kinds of “treasures”. Cooking gadgets that I have no idea how to use. Holiday molds that release the jello into a unique shape causing guests to think “what the heck is that supposed to be?” I found another kind of mold, too....on an ancient sandwich left in one of the 10 Bolder Boulder lunch bags that I've collected. Ah...what memories. I found all the baby cups that Scotty used to drink chocolate milk from that have since been chewed up by our dog, Chloe. I found 3-kids worth of elementary art projects and I also think "What the heck is that supposed to be?" I even have a bunch cheesy stuff from MY childhood like my “St. Louis” souvenir cup and saucer.

Let's face it... I'm not just sentimental, I'm a packrat. I can't stand to throw away something that is too old or worn out or sentimental to give to charity, but still has some value (supposedly). I think the weirdest thing I found was something that looked like a urine specimen cup. It was still in a plastic container (unused thank goodness!) but I must have thought the container might come in handy some day when I stuck that little treasure in my food storage cabinet. I have to admit, it was one of the few items in there that actually had a lid that I could find. There were quite a few lids with no corresponding containers as well! Almost everything was stained and weathered from years of use. “Tupperware” was “special” according to my mother. (I can't believe she actually asked if she could take some of these sorry containers, saying I could send her the lids if I found them in my cleanup. Now you can see where I got my packrat behaviors from.) My son asked me if I was going to give them to the homeless... Um... No. I don't think homeless people want old and dirty food storage containers to store all their leftover food in their live-in “refrigerators”. What my Mom didn't want, I actually put in the trash. Thanks to Walmart, I was able to replenish my supply for less than 20 bucks. It may not be “Tupperware” but it's clean and has lids.,

I found lots of mugs that were the ex's... Far Side, “I Love My Daddy”, Enginerd... He drank a lot of coffee, so coffee mugs were a standard gift. I boxed them up to send over. Most likely he will throw them all away. I'm proud that I either gave away or threw away a lot of old stuff, too. But I'm keeping a few of the old things. The “I Love My Mommy” mug will never go out of style.