OkCupid - The Best of the Online Dating Sites?

My 23-year-old son, Matt, a CU medical school student in his second year, has been spending this week of his winter break with me... that is when he's not texting or calling or going out with the girl he met recently on OkCupid. He is definitely smitten. He can't stop talking about how absolutely perfect they are for one another. And she is the only person he's ever met from online dating. In fact, I think this is his first experience with online dating at all, and he's hit the jackpot.

Despite my vast experience with online dating, I had not known about OkCupid! Matt has told me all about it, and, of course, online dating guru that I am, I had to check it out! (I feel I must interject here to mention that personally, I've been in kind of a not-really-wanting-to-date place.) It's all about the research....

So, I signed up, and I have to say, it's quite unique and interesting! It's got the ability to search and there are a lot of people (the best thing about match) but you answer all these questions so you can determine compatibility (the "supposedly" best thing about eHarmony) and it's FREE (the best thing about plentyoffish.)

There are hundreds of questions that are posed... you can pose them yourself... and through some very interesting algorithms you end up being able to find out how potential dates feel about all kinds of topics, including all the biggies: politics, sex and religion. You also get to say which answers you'd accept in a date and how important that is for you. Even though I'm not really feeling like dating, I just think it's an incredibly interesting way of getting to know people!

I've always been interested in personality typing systems (ie. Myers-Briggs, Enneagrams) and this site has all kinds of tests and little games to help you know more about yourself and a potential date. Of course, there's the danger of being "labeled" or for your answers to be misinterpreted... but there's even the ability to explain an answer if it's one of those "it depends" kind of situations.

Some of the questions are pure "intelligence" questions (ie. which is bigger, the sun or the earth?) and I suppose those are thrown in there to check if you're an airhead. I messed up on a simple logic question (And I'm an engineer! I'm like a genius at even really complicated logic questions!) But... it was early, and I was careless and thinking...ha ha ha... any dummy can do this...) It doesn't look like you can change your answers so... now people will think I'm a logic dunce, which is kind of a bummer. But, the truth is, I can be an airhead sometimes about a lot of stuff (not logic, mind you.. but just about anything else), so if someone doesn't want to be stuck with an airhead, I suppose it's only fair that they find out sooner, rather than later.

I have been getting a fair amount of interest. One guy even found me and bought my book! Woo Hoo! (Months of blogging about my book and I hardly get any sales... Who knew I should have targeted the online dating sites with my shameless self-promotion!) He's quite the blogger himself! Check out this post he wrote about relationships as well as his interview with Dr. Cornell about emotional abuse of men by women. Having spent a lot of time volunteering with people who are going through divorce recovery, this isn't the first I've heard of this.

I already feel like OkCupid has more than paid off. (Well.. after all, it's free...) Ready-for-dating or not, I am definitely going to be exploring OkCupid some more... I predict this site is going to be the new big online dating site of the year!

eHarmony vs Match.Com: What's the difference?

In my many years of being a post-divorce bachelorette, I've tried many online dating sites. This has all been research for my book, The Laptop Dancer Diaries, of course. However, as an added benefit, I've found online dating to be a good way to meet people. It has it's pros and cons, but all-in-all I'd recommend it. One issue, however, is that there are so many dating sites that it's hard to know which one to pick! I'm going to talk about two of the most well-known sites: eHarmony and match.com and some of the differences.

Match.com

Now I don't have all the stats, but based on the searches, I'd say that of all the online dating sites match.com has the biggest selection of people. Match.com is especially great for women because it appears there are many more men than women on the site, so the women are typically in pretty high demand.

For example, I just did search for men between 48 and 52, 5 miles from my zip code, and came up with 162 hits. When I change to 15 miles (which would include Denver), I get 744 hits. That's a lot of eligible men to check out! Too many, actually, so I can do all kinds of filters to narrow it down.

How do I narrow it down? Well, I do what most people do and start with people who have photos. (You can limit your search to only those with photos.) And then I can filter on other things... for example I can limit only to non-smokers or people who are a certain height or body type or religion or... all kinds of things. After you've narrowed your search down to a reasonable number you can read profiles and find out all kinds of things about your potential date.

When you see someone you like you can "wink" or just go right ahead and send your wittiest email. (This goes to a special match.com email address, so your real email address is not shared unless you choose to share it with a potential date.)

Match.com let's you have a trial for 3 days completely free. However, they do ask for your credit card information and if you don't cancel before your 3 days are up, you will they will charge you for the next month. Another thing about match.com that I don't like is that they will automatically renew your subscription when it ends, so you have to remember to cancel if you want to prevent that from happening!

eHarmony

eHarmony had this "29 points of compatibility" system in which they figure out based on some kind of sophisticated algorithm who they think you will be most compatible with.

You have to fill out a very long survey (be prepared to spend at least an hour filling out the questionnaire).

eHarmony will then send you people who they think are a good match. You can go through a "guided communication" which starts with canned questions and multiple choice answers. Eventually, if you make it through several stages, you can email each other. Both people have to agree to "fast path" to email or else you have to go through the guided communication.

eHarmony is meant for people that are wanting a more serious long-term relationship. I've heard they may deny you from joining for certain reasons like being separated rather than legally divorced.

Most men I know say they have more luck with eHarmony, but as a woman, my experience has not been good. The matches I get are often quite far away and often over 10 years older than me. Apparently there aren't that many men that match my "29 points of compatibility."

eHarmony often has "free communication weekends" but I think this is very misleading because you're stuck with "guided communication" and not able to email anyone. Also your picture isn't visible and you aren't able to see other's pictures.

Which is better?

Well, of course it's a personal decision, but I prefer match.com for a lot of reasons:
- It's less expensive
- There's a better selection (at least for women)
- I can use my own criteria to search rather than depending on a system to match me
- I think you can tell a lot about personality by how a person writes, so I'd much prefer to send personal emails rather than depend on canned questions to communicate

Of course, there are some that think eHarmony's "sophisticated algorithm" will weed out people who are a bad match, but, based on my (unscientific) observations, they really don't do a very good job.

According to Popo:

I have a friend who I call "Popo" who is very wise and has great relationship advice. (Perhaps some day I will reveal his real name, but for now we will stick with Popo.)

Here is what the wise Popo has to say about the difference:

The guided comm on eHarmony is easier to cover my own writing faults but it gives you matches it thinks you want sometimes really missing the target by a wide margin. It seems to be more Communist because it tells you who you want even if you aren't looking for that kind of person. On match, it is more Capitalistic and gives you more freedoms to search and review on a case by case basis therefore having a higher level of responsibility for your own choices. A person once said, "With great power comes great responsibility". I think I prefer that instead of "here are the people's shoes you ordered, Comrad."

What are your experiences? Match? eHarmony? Or something else entirely?

Get Jazzed - What's in it for you...

Yesterday I blogged about a new online dating site, Jazzed, that's free for 90 days. One of my friends (who works in product marketing) said he was pretty turned off by the post because I was asking people to sign up so that I could win an iPad. He said it was very poor marketing. I should be telling everyone what was in it for them rather than asking them to sign up so that I could win an iPad!

So here goes... This is what's in it for you:

Even though the Jazzed site is new, it seems to be growing like gangbusters, thanks to this promotion. The interface is very easy to use and has a great look and feel to it.

Online dating is a great way to meet people. Even though I can be a little cynical about it, I have to say, I have met a lot of wonderful people thanks to online dating. There are tons of articles and books out there to help the new online dater. In 8 Tips for Great Dating for Single Men and Women, author Dr. Diana Kirschner says you have to start by making finding love a priority. Looks like she wrote a book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love. I will have to check this out! There are checklists and homework! (I love that kind of thing! Just give me a plan...)

In How to Find Love Relationships Online – Internet Dating, you'll find 9 more tips, specifically for online daters.

There is so much available for singles and online daters, I think if I were married I'd be feeling a little left out!

Now about that iPad. It's true that my main motivation for spreading the word about Jazzed is that for everyone that signs up with my invite, I get an entry into a weekly drawing for an iPad. But that will be true for you, too! And, I happen to disagree with my friend who said people wouldn't sign up because I was doing this so I could win an iPad. In fact, I know a couple of people who probably only did it for that reason. They wanted to help me out. As Gretchen Rubin, author of the Happiness Project writes in To Make a Friend, Ask Someone For a Favor

Studies show that for happiness, providing support is just as important as getting support. By offering people a way to provide support, you generate good feelings in them.

So, to summarize, by signing up for Jazzed you will:

• Help populate a cool, new online dating site, free of charge for 90 days
• Will have a chance to win an iPad
  
• Will be doing me a favor by helping improve my chances of winning an iPad
• May find the love of your life!

What do you have to lose? Let's get Jazzed!

eHarmony spin-off Jazzed - Free for 90 days and win an iPad!

OK, all you singles out there, here's the deal. eHarmony is starting this new online dating site called Jazzed and it's free for 90-days. They don't collect any credit card information. Now, even though I'm not crazy about eHarmony, this online dating site is quick and easy and, again, free! Also, (unlike eHarmony) you can search, rather than being at the mercy of whoever they send you.

Another benefit is that they're having a drawing for an iPad every week and you get an entry for every person that signs up with your invite, so I am on a MISSION to find every single person (both in the unmarried sense and in the every single person sense), get them to sign up and I'm going to win that iPad!

http://www.jazzed.com/referral/bc96f10e-09fa-470e-8bcb-9ea904529853?cid=66406&aid=copyreflink

What's the drawback? Well, as of today, there are hardly any people out there. In fact, there wasn't a single guy in Colorado in my search criteria. (And for all of you who are going to say I'm picky, my only criteria was that he was a man.) I think there were only 1000 guys total on the whole site at this point. Personally, I consider that a benefit because a) I'm not really interested in online dating right now and b) it gives me better odds for winning the iPad. However, if you want a big selection, you'd be better off going with match.com or plentyoffish.com (also free.) However, remember the iPad!! Once you sign up, you can invite a bunch of your friends and get in the drawing, too! (But wait until after I win this week, so you won't have to compete against me.)

Here are some other FAQs:

Q. Weren't you trying to win an iPad for a girl with Cerebral Palsy?
A. No, that was my friend, Lis, who actually DID win that iPad for her student!! Yay!! I simply want to selfishly win this iPad for me.

Q. I'm already in a relationship, so I don't think I should sign up.
A. Do it together with your significant other. You can pretend you're meeting each other online and do all kinds of kinky role play stuff. Or act out the Pina Colada song. Don't worry, you can get off as soon as I win the iPad.

Q. If I get on this site and ask you on a date, will you go?
A. Highly unlikely since I am not feeling very "datey" right now. I'm really just doing this for the iPad. However, I will gladly accept attention, flowers, cute text messages, and flirtatious remarks and return the favor. Mwah!

Q. Is this a hoax? Are you really just trying to sell your outrageously funny book, The Laptop Dancer Diaries?
A. No,the offer is completely true. But as long as you're single and lonely, you might as well read the hilarious Laptop Dancer Diaries. It will tell you all you need to know about finding true love so you never again have to be subjected to online dating sites.

OK, folks, go for it! May you find love and win an iPad!
------

UPDATE: I WON!!!! THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO SIGNED UP!!

Detective Work Needed: Help me find Joel from Superior, CO

Calling all detectives: $20 to the first person who can find "Joel from Superior, CO."

It's another one of the eHarmony "free communication" weeks. Even though I was very disappointed the last time I tried it, I couldn't resist, trying to go through the "guided communication" with "Joel from Superior, CO" since he looked like such a good match. According to his profile, he's 51, a software engineer, and is passionate about his family... all good stuff. Oh, and he went to MIT (I do have a penchant for geeks.)

We were nicely progressing through our guided communication and everything was looking good. (Well, I can't see or share photos, but based on personality, so far, so good.) Then, we hit the same stumbling block as last time... he sends me an email. I can't read or respond because I'm not a paying member.

To pay for 1 month would be $60. Just on principal, I don't want to pay that. But I have tried to do my own detective work to find Joel from Superior using Google, Facebook and LinkedIn. Unfortunately, I'm not having much luck. Even though Joel is not a very common name and Superior, CO is a small city, all the Joels I'm finding are not quite fitting the bill.

If someone out there can help me find the right Joel, I'll happily pay a $20 finder fee. Here's what I know about him:

He's 51 and lives in Superior, CO.
He's passionate about his "family, friends, career, music, art, and some sports."
He loves to travel and his favorite cities include Santa Fe and London
He's 6'0"
He's Christian
He never smokes and drinks a few times a year
He's white, non-Hispanic
He is raising a son
He's a software engineer and went to MIT

OK, detectives. Go find him! He could be my soul mate, just waiting to be found!

Thumbs Down on eHarmony's "Free Communication Weekend"

Dating guru that I am, I feel it's my responsibility to check out the various alternatives available to singles. I've tried many of the online dating sites and, as everything, each has it's ups and downs. I'd heard a lot about eHarmony and it's famed "29 points of compatibility" but, before spending their relatively high monthly fee, I wanted to check out one of the "Free Communication Weekends" to see how it all worked.

I filled out the VERY LONG questionnaire and after getting accepted was sent some matches. Most of the matches lived much farther from me than I wanted and most were much older than me... one was even 15 years older than me! I couldn't see photos and I couldn't search on my own.

But...this weekend is a "free communication weekend" so I wanted to take advantage of it and picked the one guy who (at least based on profile) looked closest to a match. I then spent the next 30 minutes crafting a very clever email to "Dave" (email is my specialty when it comes to online dating) and hit send, only to have eHarmony pop up an ad telling me I'd have to pay in order to send the email! Hey! What happened to "free communication weekend?"

I searched all over for some special promotional code that would let me communicate and finally figured out that the only "free communication" I'm able to do is send canned flirts and "guided communication questions." So I sent Dave a free, "Looks like we have a lot in common. Let's Chat" message along with stupid 5 canned questions with their multiple choice answers.

He responded by sending me two things. First, he sent a canned flirt reply that suggested I post my photo. Second he "skipped to email." Well, I had posted a photo, but, apparently, he's unable to see it, since I'm not a paying member. I had no way of telling him that, so I'm sure he's figuring I'm ugly, insecure, or ignoring him. And since I'm not a paying member, I wasn't even able to read his email. In fact, the ONLY thing I could do was Decline his email (unless, of course, I wanted to pay $50 and join eHarmony.) And there was no way to even let him know that I was declining his email because I wasn't a paying member! Instead, I felt like I was just being rude. Someone took the trouble to write me an email after I suggest "let's chat" and I have no option but to Decline and I can't even let him know why!

I got pretty upset about this and called eHarmony Customer Service, but they said there was nothing they could do. That's just the way the system works. Well, their "Free Communication Weekend" is absolutely NOT Free Communication! That's false advertising! We can't email people or even read or reply to people that email us. We can't even give them a canned response of "I can't reply because I'm not a paying member." They're just left to feel like we're rejecting them. These are paying clients! They should at least have a way of knowing which people are not paying members so they don't have to feel someone is rejecting them if they either ignore or decline the request to email.

So, if you're on eHarmony, or you were thinking of checking it out, be aware that the "Free Communication Weekends" are limited to "guided communication" and you are very limited in what communication you can do. If someone suggests you go to direct communication, you will have no ability to let him/her know that you aren't able to do that.

I give a BIG Thumbs Down to eHarmony! For a service that's promoting relationships and communication, I'd say their advertisements are very misleading. If eHarmony were a person, he is someone I definitely would not date. Communication should be direct, open and honest. Both their advertising and their methods are indirect and misleading. Shame on eHarmony!