Instead of the Power of Now... Love, Fear, and Humor

Well, I read more of the Power of Now and I've decided that further blog posts on the subject might be redundant. Many people have told me the book and its teachings have brought them comfort, and I'm all for people having a peace of mind. The thing that bothered me most was what I perceive as "negativity" about Tolle's description of our thinking and our egos. But if I keep talking about that, then I'm being negative myself! I have to say, negativity is something that I have little patience for. So for those that feel positive about the book, I say, more power (of now) to you!



As an alternative, however, I want to blog about this Love vs. Fear philosophy that I heard about a few years ago. I don't know a lot about it, but the way it was explained to me is that all of our decisions and thinking is either "love-based" or "fear-based." If we consciously examine our thoughts, then we can work towards keeping them "love-based." I'd like to add my Laptop Dancer suggestion: if the love-based approach doesn't work, is to go in with a "humor-based" back-up plan.



So, let's say we're thinking about an ex. The "fear-based" thoughts might be filled with anger, hurt, rejection, and criticism. We might think about how he/she "wronged" us or betrayed us. The "love-based" thoughts might remind us of the positive aspects of a person we once loved. We might recognize that they are a good parent or that they have had to deal with hardships and grief, too. If you can't think positively about your ex, then try keeping your thoughts confined to relatively innocuous fantasies such as your ex getting hit with a pie in the face. Or maybe just picture them in some sort of ridiculous outfit. That should at least give you a good internal chuckle.



Another example might be a friend that doesn't call you back. A fear-based response might be, "How rude! If he doesn't want to talk to me then I won't talk to him. His loss," A love-based response might be, "I wonder if everything is OK. I'll call again and find out. If there's something wrong, I'll be there for him." Then, if you find out nothing is wrong and he was really just blowing you off, you can call him something funny like "Banana Brain." (Hopefully, you will come up with something funnier.) Even better than that would be to remind yourself of a time you laughed with your friend and maybe plan an email based around the joke. It's hard to be upset with someone when you remember a shared smile.

One of the big rules for me, when it comes to relationships, is to try not to take things personally. Instead of always thinking about how hurt you are, try and focus on the other person.

Of course, if you're going through a divorce or a painful breakup, it's very difficult to come to terms when someone you love doesn't feel the same way about you. I remember my ex saying, "It's nothing personal." Of course, it's personal! When your husband tells you he doesn't love you anymore, it's personal! But, if you can just recognize that you are still loveable... that even if this one person doesn't love you, there are so many people that do love you... that you are a unique miracle complete with flaws and talents that make you special. If you can just see the beauty in yourself... then you do not need to obsess over how one person doesn't love you. You have to feel a little sorry for that person because they are missing out on YOU.

And if that doesn't work, well, what else can I tell you, Banana Brain? Put on a good comedy, get out the ice cream, and enjoy the power of NOW!

The Unpublished Epilogue: The secret to falling in love

I never published this Epilogue... I haven't written about my dating life since I wrote The Laptop Dancer Diaries because I've wanted to respect the privacy of my dates. This guy, in particular, is very private. We broke up recently, mostly because of the differences in our communication styles. I've changed his name and asked if I could publish this and he agreed. I learned a great lesson from his son and it's something I wanted to share...

Epilogue

January 1, 2010

Last night I spent New Year’s Eve enjoying the evening with three cute guys. Two of them were the children of the man I’m dating, but they were very cute, just the same. As for the man – Jason – well, he’s much more than cute.

The The Laptop Dancer Diaries took place in 2008. In 2009, I did some dating, but with little expectation of finding a mate. I was content with my life and felt ready to accept a fate of singleness. Then for some reason, last month, I got the urge to explore the world of online dating one more time before I crossed over into that decade I’d been dreading for so long – the fifties.

The first profile I came across was Jason’s. His profile included only a couple of sentences but contained just the adjectives and descriptions that were most important to me… playful, confident, love of children, spiritual. He was 48, so entirely age-appropriate. His face smiled out from his profile photo and my heart felt that little tingle of hope. Of course, if you’ve read the book, you know my history with online dating is pretty dismal. I have learned people are usually much better in their profiles than in real life.

Not so with Jason. Our first meeting was at a cozy pub that he’d suggested. We sat in front of the fire and chatted and I immediately liked him. I always thought when I found the right guy, I’d know it. There would be no questions or fears or worries. I’d just know he was right. And that’s exactly what I felt.

Amazingly, Jason liked me, too. Two days later, I was having a romantic dinner at his house. Soon after that, I was relaxing in his hot tub, feeling snowflakes on my face, looking up at the sky and feeling like I’d found a piece of heaven.

The happy surprises continued as I got to know Jason better. His children are polite and sweet – such little gentlemen who charm me with their smiles and giggles. Last night, Jason let me share in the good-night rituals, and when 11-year-old Connor reached out his arms for a hug and kiss good-night, I choked back a tear – I was so moved by his innocent acceptance and affection. Could I already love this little family when I’ve only just met them?

My relationship with Jason is too new for me to declare that I’ve fallen in love. Those words scare me. What if he doesn’t feel the same way about me? I don’t think I can survive another broken heart.

But I think about that innocent affection that Connor showed me and know I want to be like that. I want to love without fear. If it doesn’t last forever, it will hurt, but I’ll survive. And if I don’t take the risk, I will never know what might have been. Even if it only lasts a month or a week or a day or an hour … I want to know the joy of loving someone.

I started this book looking for a cookbook approach to falling in love and I think I’ve found the answers. Find out who you are. Take risks. Live life to the fullest. Live like you are the protagonist of a book. Love all the people around you – your friends, your family, your pets and even your laptop, if you want. Love God, life, the ocean and the mountains. Figure out what’s right for you and don’t let anyone – not even your inner-angel or inner-devil guilt you into doing anything you don’t want to do. Love yourself.

And when that right person comes along, love like a child that’s never been hurt -- reach out your arms and give of your heart. Trust that whether it lasts for a minute or for a lifetime, it will be worth it.

And that’s the secret for falling in love.