Friday Funnies: Rejection Humor

This week on the Love Project we are celebrating (or reframing) Rejection. One of the best things about the year I was gathering content for and writing The Laptop Dancer Diaries is that it forced me to find the humor in every day situations. Some of the funniest stories are stories of rejection... stories where in the past, I might have been embarrassed or upset about a date-gone-wrong, but instead thought to myself: This will make a great story for my book!

On Assignment Day this week, I pointed to a news story about Jon Friedman's comedy group that is all about rejection. There are a series of videos from (jonnyboots channel) as well as The Rejection Show Website with a bunch of funny videos. Here's an example:

Website Wednesday: The Best of Rejection

This week on The Love Project we're talking about Reframing Rejection.

Love Project MVP

Girl Nutkin in the BA: #love2011: gathering week 8 thoughts

Videos
Jon Friedman & Rejection Show Videos

Blogs and Websites about Rejection

Rejection Blog: The best of job rejections
Literary Rejections on Display

Articles

Reframing Rejection
Handling Rejection and the Law of Attraction

Beware of the "I'm sad" Facebook status

Once, when I was perusing Facebook, I saw one of my friends had a status that said something like, "I'm sad. Please "like" me so I'll be happy." And you were supposed to press the thumbs up 'like' button. I remember thinking, "That's kind of an embarrassing, pathetic thing to put on Facebook! I'd never announce, 'I'm sad' and ask people to "like" me! They like me or they don't, but I'm not going to get sympathy 'likes'!"

Of course, I pressed the 'like' button to help cheer up the poor soul and went on with my day.

Later, when I checked the computer, I saw Facebook messages in my inbox from people consoling me, asking me why I was sad. What??? I'M not the one that's sad!

Then I checked Facebook and saw that that damn needy message was on MY wall! Oh No! It was like a contagious 'I'm a loser' status message! I guess pressing the 'like' button puts the same message on your own wall! I immediately deleted it and did my best to restore my confident reputation, letting people know I was very happy! La, la, la!! Not a care in the world and I really don't care if anyone 'likes' me or not...

In general, I recommend to people to never publicly act sad or rejected. It just shows insecurity. If we're confident, there's no reason to feel rejected. We don't need validation from other people to know we're good. And most of the time, the "rejection" is in our own head. Everyone will feel so much better if you can just not take things so personally, and carry on happily, regardless of what disappointments come your way.

But, I have to admit, this has not been a good week for me. Maybe it's a freaky woo-woo thing that in "Rejection" week, I am getting hit with quite a lot of personal rejection. I won't go through all the sorry details, but if I wanted practice in dealing with rejection, I'm getting it. (And I will be more careful about picking negative Love Project themes in the future..)

I have a good friend who (in one of his depressed moods) complained, "No one really cares about me. They act like they do, but when it really comes right down to it, they have other people and priorities. They only superficially like me because they think I like them."

I assured this friend that I really liked him and still would like him, even if I thought he didn't like me. But then I thought about it more. Would I? Would I really like him if I thought he didn't like me? Probably not. I'd be hurt if he didn't like me, but would act like I didn't care, 'cause I never show rejection. And then I'd do my best to stop liking him, because if he didn't like me, well, I wasn't going to like him.

Now, I'm not very tolerant of this "poor me" victim mentality, but when I'm in one of my down moods, I can really relate to what he said. It is easy to feel all alone. Even when I was married, I had those days...wondering if my husband really loved me. (I guess the answer ended up being 'no.') No matter how many "friends" we have, we can wonder how much those friends really care about us. How many are just pressing the "virtual like button" without really thinking about it? Are we special to anyone? Can we tell those friends, "I'm sad. I feel rejected. I know I should be confident, but right now I'm not and I need you to tell me you like me. Really like me. Like me if I get sick. Like me if I'm in a crappy mood. Like me if I'm ugly. Like me if I hurt you. Like me if you find out how embarrassing I can be. Like me no matter what. Love me."

Is it fair to expect someone to feel that way about me if I don't feel that way about them? Do I have people who I love unconditionally? Yes, I have a few... Maybe it's time for me to let them know it. I'm guessing they have those same pangs of loneliness and insecurity at times.

I'm not going to update my status page with any of this, but just so you know... I'm not so sad anymore. I'm blessed with people who I love and who I know love me...and they don't even need to press a button to tell me.

"Your Loss" and other stupid stuff people say when they feel rejected

This week on The Love Project we're talking about Rejection.

Let's face it, one of the toughest parts about dating is dealing with rejection... both receiving it and giving it.

Today I'm going to talk about how to act if you feel rejected in that very early stage of dating... I'm specifically thinking of online dating, though this could be true of any first date or meeting. Here are some ways people react when they feel rejected.

Block him/her

I just had a very long debate with The Private Man about his advice for men to block women who don't respond within a week to an initial email. I'd never heard about this before and don't think it's common practice. I think this is ridiculous, since a lack of response to an initial email doesn't even necessarily indicate rejection, but you can read about that debate on his blog if you're interested.

I'm better than you response

Worse than blocking (which just doesn't make sense) are the people who will react negatively when they feel rejected. A classic example is responding with "Your loss." I suppose this kind of response is meant to show that "I'm better than you and don't care that you don't want to go out with me" but instead it comes off as "I'm a baby who can't take a blow to my fragile ego." Other signs of insecurity might be a response like: "I didn't want to date you anyway. I'm dating women who are much younger and hotter than you. I just felt sorry for you." Definite sign of a loser who has zero confidence.

Now luckily, most men who I've communicated with online are more mature than that. There have only been a couple who were really rude. If I can tell from their profile or email that they are disrespectful, I don't engage in conversation with them at all. I used to respond to everyone who sent me an email, but now I ignore anyone who's initial email is disrespectful ie. someone suggesting a "quickie" or sex, or someone who puts something in their profile like: Don't bother to email if you're a liar" (obviously a guy with a lot of baggage.)

I'm desperate and insecure response

Another form of inappropriate behavior when you are rejected is to act needy or desperate. One guy insisted on wanting to know exactly what was wrong with him. He promised to change whatever it was. He kept on emailing me, wanting to go out, even if it was just "as friends." If he hadn't acted so desperate, I probably would have at least kept in contact with him as friends, but it became creepy that he was so needy. Eventually I had to tell him I wouldn't be responding to any more of his emails.

No response

This is one of the most common responses to a rejection. If you haven't even met, and we're just talking about an email, I think it's OK to not respond. A response usually is not expected. However, if you've gone on a first date or meeting, it can be kind of rude to just ignore a nicely worded "Dear John" letter.

An email wishing your rejector well

The most mature and classy thing you can do when you are rejected is to thank your rejector for their honesty, wish them well, and move on with confidence that you will find a better match. Of course, all of this depends on how you were rejected in the first place. How to reject someone is, in itself, a skill that many people do very poorly. However, if the person rejecting you has been thoughtful, it would show grace and class for you to show thoughtfulness in return with a short email of thanks and perhaps a suggestion to stay in touch, if appropriate.

So You Don't Get an Email Response - Big Deal!

The theme of The Love Project this week is Rejection. If you want to find love, you have to start by not taking things so personally!

One common reason people feel rejected is when they don't get an expected response... or maybe a response at all. Unresponsiveness is becoming more and more common in our society, to the point that it IS almost expected! (With this in mind, it should be easier not to feel rejected.) In my opinion, this especially is true with email. We get so bombarded with email (much of it spam) that often it becomes ignored.

People don't RSVP for parties. People don't respond when you ask for a favor. People don't respond when you invite them to lunch. You start thinking your friends don't really care about you. They'd rather play Farmville on Facebook with their 538 friends then respond to a personal invitation from you. Yeah, you see them out there updating their status with [insert random trivial Facebook status update here] so obviously it's not a question of being too busy and obviously they're on their computer. They just care more about chit-chatting about nothing on Facebook than spending time with you!

If the above is the kind of thing that goes through your head when you don't get a response, you're falling into victim mode. You're taking it personally... making their lack of response all about you. It could be they are just really bad at managing their email. Or maybe they figure you have lots of friends, and they're just one of a crowd to you. Pick up the phone. Let them know they are special to you before you get bent out of shape being upset that you are not special to them. Always start by giving the benefit of the doubt to the person you are feeling rejected by.

Now when it comes to online dating, I think it's even MORE important not to take the lack of response personally. First of all, you don't even KNOW this person. Yes, you may be opening yourself up by initiating contact -- maybe spending time with your wittiest email and then you don't get a response. But there are so many reasons why they don't respond that it's NOT about you! And it doesn't mean they are a bad person either!

I'm in a debate with Private Guy -- who gives online dating advice for men -- and he says women who don't respond are rejecting you or flaky, not worth your time, and should be blocked. I couldn't disagree more! Well... I could disagree more. The thing I think would be worse than that would be sending them an angry email for not responding. That's just downright pathetic.

I say send a second email (after waiting a week or so) -- no pressure or anger or anything at all to make them feel guilty for not responding the first time. Be witty and sweet and funny. Don't make it too long. Just let her know she stood out in the crowd for you and that you'd love to hear from her.

I tried this strategy myself just a couple of weeks ago. I'd gotten on match for a 7-day freebie and there was this adorable guy I wanted to meet. He didn't respond to my first email, so I emailed him again the day before my subscription was about to end letting him know, both that my subscription was ending, and telling him why I thought his profile was very special.

He responded immediately and invited me for a drink! It was a wonderful date, and even though he's not interested in pursuing the relationship any more than a friendship, I have his email address and maybe we will become friends.. I feel so great about having had the date with him, even if it doesn't develop. Had I not taken the chance with a second email, I would have missed out on meeting a very cool guy. And, though I'm disappointed that he doesn't want to pursue more than a friendship, I don't feel at all rejected. I feel flattered that he took the time to meet me.

Not every person will like you or have time to foster a relationship with you. That is not rejection. That is not a reflection of you. Remember that you are the same wonderful person, regardless of whether or not someone responds to you. Don't waste time wondering why they didn't "like" you. There are plenty of other people who do "like" you or will "like" you. Spend your energy giving your attention to those who do have time for you rather than worrying about the lack of attention you're getting back from those who don't.

Assignment 8: Rejoice in Rejection - #love2011

A new week, brings a new theme to the Love Project: Reframing Rejection.



Assignment: Write about a time you were rejected and realized that it turned out to be a good thing. Maybe it opened a new door for you. Maybe it gave you material for a book or comedy routine (see video!) Maybe it motivated you to keep trying. Maybe it helped you finally get out of a relationship that wasn't good for you. If you leave a comment or write a blog post, I will feature your blog on Website Wednesday.

Extra Credit: Use humor! Find a funny story or video (or make your own!) and let me know about it and I'll include it on the Friday Funny post.

Background: The Love Project is about giving and receiving love. In order for this to really work, you have to start by loving yourself (hence, the early assignments related to self-love.) Now, if you've done your homework and love yourself, then it is much easier to handle rejection. You don't let rejection derail you. You realize that with rejection and disappointment comes new growth. Or maybe you just learn to laugh at yourself. Everyone has insecurities. Everyone does stupid, embarrassing things once in awhile. Everyone gets rejected sometimes. It's in talking about it and laughing about it that we can feel bonded with others. Who do you relate more to? The perfect person who never admits to a failure? Or the person who has experienced rejection and failure, but keeps getting back on that horse? Which kind of person do you want to be?

Ten Reasons Why it's NOT About You - Say No to Rejection!

It's pretty easy to feel rejection... someone doesn't call us back, we don't get invited to a party, we didn't get the job we were sure was going to be offered.

A few years ago I learned a technique that really has helped me when I get that rejected feeling... You have to start by having confidence, which can be especially difficult if you feel like you've been "rejected" a lot. It's like a downward spiral that you have to break your way out of. But let's say you've done all your self-help homework and you feel good about who you are, flaws and all. Now, instead of feeling "rejected," you kind of have to feel a little sorry for the person who is going to miss out on YOU.

So... let's take the example of having a first date. It seems like everything went great! You like him and he seems to like you! But then... all goes quiet. Why? The old insecure self would go through all these scenarios in your head, most of them about you... you said the wrong thing. He thought you were too old or fat or ugly or short. Instead, think about these 10 very possible reasons why you haven't heard from him:

1) His email to you is going to your spam file. Believe it or not, this has happened to me on at least 3 occasions. Or the opposite has happened. I've contacted him and gotten upset that he hasn't responded and it's because my email landed in his spam box.

2) She lost your contact information or is having trouble deciphering it. Though unlikely, this does happen, especially if you write your number on a napkin in a tipsy state.

3) He died. OK, this one is highly unlikely, but we cannot omit the possibility. It did happen to Miranda in a Sex and the City episode. It was the only explanation I could come up when I didn't get a response from Mr. February in The Laptop Dancer Diaries.

4) She's sick. A little more probable than reason #3. There are other things (family emergencies, unexpected travel) that fall into this category of "extenuating circumstances."

5) He's not over his last girlfriend. He had a great time, but realized he just wasn't ready to move on. Or maybe she called and they got back together. Bitch!

6) She's very attracted to you, but you are so much like her ex that she knows she would repeat the same mistakes she made with him and she wants to break the pattern.

7) He has little kids and is busy with work and parenting. Your lifestyle is totally different. He realizes he wouldn't be able to give you the attention you deserve.

8) When she meets you, she realizes that she knows your ex. She doesn't want to cause drama.

9) He knows you blog and write about dating and he doesn't want to be the subject of your next blog post.

10) She is totally intimidated by your good looks and intelligence.

I could go on and on here. But let's say it's what you fear most. He/she didn't like you because of your [name your biggest insecurity.] The thing is, if you still have that [big insecurity], the problem may be that you are giving off vibes that you are insecure rather than confident! And that may be the reason he doesn't want to see you again. That's why it's so important that you feel good about yourself. So figure out those [big insecurities] and get over them! You are beautiful!

The point is, don't automatically assume the worst when you don't hear from him. Just assume he died.

Instead of the Power of Now... Love, Fear, and Humor

Well, I read more of the Power of Now and I've decided that further blog posts on the subject might be redundant. Many people have told me the book and its teachings have brought them comfort, and I'm all for people having a peace of mind. The thing that bothered me most was what I perceive as "negativity" about Tolle's description of our thinking and our egos. But if I keep talking about that, then I'm being negative myself! I have to say, negativity is something that I have little patience for. So for those that feel positive about the book, I say, more power (of now) to you!



As an alternative, however, I want to blog about this Love vs. Fear philosophy that I heard about a few years ago. I don't know a lot about it, but the way it was explained to me is that all of our decisions and thinking is either "love-based" or "fear-based." If we consciously examine our thoughts, then we can work towards keeping them "love-based." I'd like to add my Laptop Dancer suggestion: if the love-based approach doesn't work, is to go in with a "humor-based" back-up plan.



So, let's say we're thinking about an ex. The "fear-based" thoughts might be filled with anger, hurt, rejection, and criticism. We might think about how he/she "wronged" us or betrayed us. The "love-based" thoughts might remind us of the positive aspects of a person we once loved. We might recognize that they are a good parent or that they have had to deal with hardships and grief, too. If you can't think positively about your ex, then try keeping your thoughts confined to relatively innocuous fantasies such as your ex getting hit with a pie in the face. Or maybe just picture them in some sort of ridiculous outfit. That should at least give you a good internal chuckle.



Another example might be a friend that doesn't call you back. A fear-based response might be, "How rude! If he doesn't want to talk to me then I won't talk to him. His loss," A love-based response might be, "I wonder if everything is OK. I'll call again and find out. If there's something wrong, I'll be there for him." Then, if you find out nothing is wrong and he was really just blowing you off, you can call him something funny like "Banana Brain." (Hopefully, you will come up with something funnier.) Even better than that would be to remind yourself of a time you laughed with your friend and maybe plan an email based around the joke. It's hard to be upset with someone when you remember a shared smile.

One of the big rules for me, when it comes to relationships, is to try not to take things personally. Instead of always thinking about how hurt you are, try and focus on the other person.

Of course, if you're going through a divorce or a painful breakup, it's very difficult to come to terms when someone you love doesn't feel the same way about you. I remember my ex saying, "It's nothing personal." Of course, it's personal! When your husband tells you he doesn't love you anymore, it's personal! But, if you can just recognize that you are still loveable... that even if this one person doesn't love you, there are so many people that do love you... that you are a unique miracle complete with flaws and talents that make you special. If you can just see the beauty in yourself... then you do not need to obsess over how one person doesn't love you. You have to feel a little sorry for that person because they are missing out on YOU.

And if that doesn't work, well, what else can I tell you, Banana Brain? Put on a good comedy, get out the ice cream, and enjoy the power of NOW!

The Unpublished Epilogue: The secret to falling in love

I never published this Epilogue... I haven't written about my dating life since I wrote The Laptop Dancer Diaries because I've wanted to respect the privacy of my dates. This guy, in particular, is very private. We broke up recently, mostly because of the differences in our communication styles. I've changed his name and asked if I could publish this and he agreed. I learned a great lesson from his son and it's something I wanted to share...

Epilogue

January 1, 2010

Last night I spent New Year’s Eve enjoying the evening with three cute guys. Two of them were the children of the man I’m dating, but they were very cute, just the same. As for the man – Jason – well, he’s much more than cute.

The The Laptop Dancer Diaries took place in 2008. In 2009, I did some dating, but with little expectation of finding a mate. I was content with my life and felt ready to accept a fate of singleness. Then for some reason, last month, I got the urge to explore the world of online dating one more time before I crossed over into that decade I’d been dreading for so long – the fifties.

The first profile I came across was Jason’s. His profile included only a couple of sentences but contained just the adjectives and descriptions that were most important to me… playful, confident, love of children, spiritual. He was 48, so entirely age-appropriate. His face smiled out from his profile photo and my heart felt that little tingle of hope. Of course, if you’ve read the book, you know my history with online dating is pretty dismal. I have learned people are usually much better in their profiles than in real life.

Not so with Jason. Our first meeting was at a cozy pub that he’d suggested. We sat in front of the fire and chatted and I immediately liked him. I always thought when I found the right guy, I’d know it. There would be no questions or fears or worries. I’d just know he was right. And that’s exactly what I felt.

Amazingly, Jason liked me, too. Two days later, I was having a romantic dinner at his house. Soon after that, I was relaxing in his hot tub, feeling snowflakes on my face, looking up at the sky and feeling like I’d found a piece of heaven.

The happy surprises continued as I got to know Jason better. His children are polite and sweet – such little gentlemen who charm me with their smiles and giggles. Last night, Jason let me share in the good-night rituals, and when 11-year-old Connor reached out his arms for a hug and kiss good-night, I choked back a tear – I was so moved by his innocent acceptance and affection. Could I already love this little family when I’ve only just met them?

My relationship with Jason is too new for me to declare that I’ve fallen in love. Those words scare me. What if he doesn’t feel the same way about me? I don’t think I can survive another broken heart.

But I think about that innocent affection that Connor showed me and know I want to be like that. I want to love without fear. If it doesn’t last forever, it will hurt, but I’ll survive. And if I don’t take the risk, I will never know what might have been. Even if it only lasts a month or a week or a day or an hour … I want to know the joy of loving someone.

I started this book looking for a cookbook approach to falling in love and I think I’ve found the answers. Find out who you are. Take risks. Live life to the fullest. Live like you are the protagonist of a book. Love all the people around you – your friends, your family, your pets and even your laptop, if you want. Love God, life, the ocean and the mountains. Figure out what’s right for you and don’t let anyone – not even your inner-angel or inner-devil guilt you into doing anything you don’t want to do. Love yourself.

And when that right person comes along, love like a child that’s never been hurt -- reach out your arms and give of your heart. Trust that whether it lasts for a minute or for a lifetime, it will be worth it.

And that’s the secret for falling in love.