Love Humor: The Perfect Man

This YouTube video is from the "Smack the Pony" dating series. I'd seen it once before, but I found it again on this recent post from the popular blog Hooking up Smart: Boyfriend Wanted: Clumsy Thumbs Need Not Apply. Interesting post about geek-snobs who expect their dates to be as geeky as they are.

Are you a geek-snob? Have we gotten too picky about who we date?

It starts with self-love and accepting our imperfections

I found a new site about "mid-life" dating and relationships today along with a recent blog post about the definition of love: Dating over 40: What is love?

Coach Ronnie quotes Rabbi Schnitzer on two points that I found particularly insightful:

* Love is not being "stirred" by perfection... that is admiration. Love is accepting and embracing imperfection.

* Love starts with self-love.

Putting these together, this means we need to start by accepting ourselves -- not just the stuff we're proud about, but even our flaws.

I know I had long heard the advice about "loving yourself first" and then you'll find love, but I didn't really "get it." I imagined it meant I had to go around giving myself "positive affirmations" all the time. Luckily, I had a wonderful childhood and I felt like my self-esteem was fine, so I really didn't feel the need to write myself little sticky-notes to remind myself of how great I was. I understand that most people aren't so lucky, and it takes a long time for people to feel good about who they are, but I really didn't feel like I had that problem.

However, I think there's a second-half to this "self-love" exercise. It's not just about recognizing your strengths, but accepting your weaknesses. Even though I had confidence in what I was "good at," I was embarrassed to admit my imperfections to others. For example, I'm really bad at keeping up on what's going on in the world. So, if someone would start discussing a topic that I wasn't aware of, I'd keep my mouth shut, rather than risk the embarrassment of ignorance.

These days, I admit to what I don't know. I'm often met with a surprised, "OMG! You didn't know THAT?" but I just thank the person for cluing me in. In fact, I usually quiz them for more data, telling them that they need to teach me all there is about whatever it is, so I don't make the same dumb mistake in front of someone else. They feel good about teaching me something, I feel good about learning, and we're both happy.

Likewise, when someone else risks showing me their imperfections, I usually feel closer to them. I can relate much more easily to someone who is imperfect and not afraid to admit to it, than someone who only wants to tell me about how great they are. I love confidence, but not arrogance.

I think the key is we need to have confidence in ourselves -- both our strengths and weaknesses. I had confidence in my strengths but was insecure about my weaknesses. We're not usually "confident" about our weaknesses. But if we accept our weaknesses -- admit to our imperfections and do what we can to improve -- we become much more "real."

So, if we do all this self-love stuff, will we really "fall in love" with someone else? Maybe. Maybe not. The thing is, it won't matter nearly as much. We'll be content with ourselves. We won't need someone else to "validate" us. We are the only person who will be with us forever, so we'll have most definitely found a love partner for life.

Help the Children's Hospital with a click of your mouse!

A Simple Way to Help
Vote for The Children's Hospital to receive LIVESTRONG community impact funding for a program proven to support families fighting cancer.

The contest ends at 6 p.m., Friday, October 29, so please cast your vote now.

http://vote.livestrong.org/applicants/135-the-childrens-hospital/

Details
The Children's Hospital is in the running to win a $10,000 LIVESTRONG grant for The Children's Hospital Center for Cancer and Blood Disorders (CCBD).

Community votes determine the winner - and we are currently ranked third in online votes - so your vote counts!

Cody Hudson runs the CCBD's sibling support programs. She says that this potential gift would help siblings play an active role in their sister's or brother's treatment and their family's health and healing.

Research shows that siblings of chronically ill children grow up to become more empathetic people. With this potential gift, we can help siblings of Children's patients develop beneficial coping skills that they can use throughout their lives.

Cody Hudson, MS, CCLS
Therapeutic Recreation/Child Life Specialist
Children's Center for Cancer and Blood Disorders

Currently, the CCBD offers a day camp and sibling education program. The LIVESTRONG grant will improve the current offerings to help even more siblings cope during their sister's or brother's treatment.

Voting is simple and can help all the families who need the CCBD. Just visit LIVESTRONG online.

Spread the word!

Cut & Paste into your status on your favorite social media sites:

Help the Children's Hospital with a click of your mouse: http://bit.ly/doO2tx

Love is a Verb - Free Audiobook

I'm subscribed to a "Free Things to Do in Denver" newsletter which has some great stuff advertised! If you live in the Denver area, I would highly recommend it!

Well, earlier this month, the newsletter promoted a free audiobook by Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, called, "Love is a Verb." It looks like it's only free for the month of October, though, so I figured I'd better hurry up and spread the word!

Here's the information from the newsletter:

Free Audiobook: “Love is a Verb” – October 2010

Posted: 03 Oct 2010 05:59 AM PDT

Each month christianaudio gives away a premium audiobook download for free. How does it work? Well, they give away one audiobook download a month (that they have published or that a partner has allowed them to give away) absolutely free; available only during that month and only once, ever.christianaudio and Bethany House Publishers have partnered together for the month of October 2010 to bring you the audiobook download of Love is a Verb for FREE!

During the month of October, you can download a free audiobook of “Love is a Verb” by Gary Chapman. A coupon code is no longer required to receive this month’s free download! Just log in to your account & order the book online at ChristianAudio.com.

The offer is valid through October 31, 2010.

ABOUT GARY CHAPMAN

Dr. Gary Chapman has spent his life helping people communicate love more effectively and in turn build more satisfying and lasting relationships. His book “The Five Love Languages” is a regular on the “New York Times Best Sellers” list – even after being in print for fifteen years – and has made the term ‘love language’ a part of everyday speech. “Love Is a Verb” takes his teaching to the next level. Rather than a typical marriage self-help book filled with lengthy explanations of principles and techniques, it is a compilation of true stories displaying love in action. These stories – written by everyday people – go straight to the hearts of readers, who often say that illustrations are the most effective parts of a book. Gary Chapman adds a ‘Love Lesson’ to each story, showing readers how they can apply the same principles to their own relationships.

A different kind of love...

I could probably write a whole book about the power of those three words: I love you. You take a big risk when you say them. If the object of your love doesn't feel the same way, there's a very real chance he will back away, or maybe even break up with you. As wonderful as it feels to love or be loved, if the feeling isn't mutual, it feels pretty awful.

Today I'm going to talk about the love I feel for my friend, Craig Dunham. He's my friend with ALS. In looking at the eight kinds of love I described the other day, he doesn't really fit into one category. Before he got sick, the type of love I felt for him probably fell somewhere between Romantic and Platonic (many of my single male friends fall into this category... I call them "Flirt Buddies.") But in this past year, since I've been helping him, I've also developed the type of love that's similar for what you feel for your children... the protective love that comes from caring for someone. I also have such a deep admiration for Craig's faith and spunk, in spite of this awful disease, so I'd also throw in what might be considered a spiritual love as well... I think of him almost as a modern-day Jesus with a very big cross to bear.

Craig can't talk any more. The only movement he has is in a finger. If that finger is taped just right to a mouse it's possible for him to send email, but that's pretty much his only form of communication. It's not something that's easy, so it's not like we can really be pen-pals.

Even though he can't answer the phone or talk, he can hear us as we speak into the message machine, so I call every night. I usually review a chapter from a spiritual book that he loves: The Purpose Driven Life. I often tell him how I see him living out the lessons from the book -- not questioning God for the hardships, but worshiping him. What an incredible role model he is.

Well, I'm not one to really utter the 'I love you' words to single males unless I'm in a long-term relationship with them. And even then... it's iffy. I've had the bad experience of not hearing those words back, and when you don't hear a reciprocated "I love you, too" you might as well be hearing an "I don't love you."

So... I was a little hesitant about whether or not I should end my nightly calls with, 'I love you, Craig.' But, hey... I already knew Craig couldn't talk, so I figured there was no risk of rejection. He was going to get love from me whether he liked it or not. So every night, I've been leaving my messages, ending them with "Good night, Craig. I love you." There was something comforting to me about saying those words... not really knowing even if Craig could hear me... Having the safety of not having to worry about whether or not he'd say them back.

Then one night, right after I left my message, I got an email from Craig. It's an email I'll treasure and save forever.

It said, "I love you, too...."

The Chemistry of Love

What exactly is in Cupid's arrow?

According to an article on YourTango, falling in love takes a fifth of a second.

When you fall in love, twelve areas of the brain sync up to release "happy" chemicals like oxytocin, dopamine and adrenaline. Like a love potion concocted by the brain itself, these chemicals induce feelings of euphoria in the brain's cognitive centers that manage metaphors, language comprehension, visual processing and body image. The whole process occurs faster than you can even blink.

This article explored "love at first sight" vs. love that grows over time suggesting that the "realization point" -- the point we realized we were attracted -- feels like an epiphany. (I guess that's when all that "chemistry" happens.)

It's interesting that (if I'm understanding this right) the "love" chemicals are induced in the cognitive centers that "manage metaphors, language comprehension, visual processing and body image." There's a specific part of our brain that manages metaphors? And a part of our brain manages "body image"? Weird.. I wonder if these are the same areas of the brain that get affected when we get drunk. It could explain why we don't know what we're talking about (let alone use a proper metaphor), can't see straight, and why we think everyone is so much better-looking (body image impairment) when we're drunk or in love.

Anyway, back to chemicals. Here's another article about the chemistry of love that explains the roles of estrogen and testosterone (for the sex drive) and how dopamine (pleasure) and norepinephrine (racing heart) combine to create "elation,intense energy, sleeplessness, craving, loss of appetite and focused attention." Oxytocin apparently is released during the big 'O' (which may be a good mnemonic device if you're ever getting quizzed on this stuff) which helps create an emotional bond. Endorphins are another hormone released during sex,producing "a general sense of well-being, including feeling soothed, peaceful and secure."

And once again, the subject of dwindling romantic love rears it's head:

The feelings of passionate love, however, do lose their strength over time. Studies have shown that passionate love fades quickly and is nearly gone after two or three years. The chemicals responsible for "that lovin' feeling" (adrenaline, dopamine, norepinephrine, phenylethylamine, etc.) dwindle. Suddenly your lover has faults. Why has he or she changed, you may wonder. Actually, your partner probably hasn't changed at all; it's just that you're now able to see him or her rationally, rather than through the blinding hormones of infatuation and passionate love. At this stage, the relationship is either strong enough to endure, or the relationship ends.

The article also mentions the addictive quality.. a "love high".. and how some people go through relationship after relationship to get a love fix.

As I concluded from the discussion of limerence, this does not sound healthy... it sounds a lot like drugs... Feels great, but it's totally irrational, addictive, and doesn't last.

Now that I realize love is like drugs (note the metaphor) I'm feeling much better about the fact that it is currently missing from my life. Yippee!

Love Humor: An analytic look at love

Bcg Consultants Love Life

View more presentations from nitinagarwalin.

Those of us who are very analytical and have been exposed to corporate slideshows can appreciate this! View in full-screen mode and read the fine print. Very funny!

I found this on a very popular blog about love: Hooking Up Smart.

Are you in Limerence? More about romantic love..

I can't believe with all my interest in love that I've never heard of "limerence" until now! I'm doing my "love research" (which basically means googling and reading) and I came across this article about romantic love explaining limerence. It's that "obsessive" infatuated feeling I was describing in my post yesterday.

The article says that Dorothy Tennov, in her book "Love and Limerence," describes these traits of limerence:

1) Intrusive thoughts about the object of passionate desire (the “limerent object” or LO)
2) Acute longing for reciprocation
3) Mood becomes dependent on the LO’s actions
4) Inability to react limerently towards more than one person at the same time (except when limerence is at low ebb)
5) Unsettling shyness and fear of rejection when in the presence of the LO
6) Intensification through adversity (up to a certain point)
7) Acute sensitivity to any act or condition that could be interpreted as favorable
8) An aching of the “heart” (a palpable heavy sensation in the front of the chest)
9) Buoyancy (a feeling of “walking on air”)
10) An intensity of feeling that leaves other concerns in the background
11) A remarkable ability to emphasize the positive traits of the LO, while rendering the LO’s negative traits as “endearing” to the point where it is perceived to be another positive trait.

That's IT! I know exactly that feeling! Another symptom of limerence is that it only exists if there is hope and uncertainty of a reciprocated relationship. I thought this was really interesting... especially the uncertainty part. This could explain why I seem to be more attracted (in this sort of desperate, limerent way) to someone when they are showing subtle signs of interest, yet still a little "hard to get."

Of course, if they reciprocate my limerence, all is euphoric and then I guess, we graduate into a more mature romantic love. (At least that's the idea...) But, what usually happens when I'm in "limerence" is that the LO (Limerence Object) may be attracted to me or even experience "lust" (another component of romantic love), but usually doesn't have the same degree of limerency (I'm making that word up) towards me. I remain hopeful and uncertain and "limerent" until I get it into my head that he's just not that into me. We will not go into the deep despair and late nights with Laptop Guy that follow...

I used to feel that if I didn't feel those "limerent" feelings, I wasn't really in love. But after reading more about it, I'm thinking it's really kind of unhealthy! I mean, it's exciting and wonderful when you feel like it's reciprocated, but hey... no one is really THAT good! And we're really just fooling ourselves and setting ourselves up for disappointment when we realize our LO is not who we're fantasizing they are. I know the times a guy has been in "limerence" with me, it's flattering, but I feel uncomfortable because I don't share the same intense feelings, and I'll typically avoid a romantic relationship. Maybe that's why it's better to keep our "limerence" to ourselves. Better to try and be "cool" rather than staring up at our LO with starry-eyed adoration.

Wanna read more about limerence? I found Tennov's limerence website with a free monthly newsletter.

What have been your experiences with limerence? Do you think it's a necessary part of romantic love?

Is Romantic Love Destined to Dwindle?

Yesterday, I blogged about the different types of love, naming "romantic love" as the one most of us think of when we hear the word, 'love.'

I think romantic love is the most confusing of all of them... It's the type of love most of us yearn for, but can't seem to control. In fact, when we're in love, we feel completely out of control... obsessive, distracted, crazy! And if the other person feels the same way about us, it's absolutely wonderful! I don't know if this is "real" love. I've always thought of this more as "infatuation." Nevertheless, it's magical.

I read an article that reiterated what I've heard before. The shelf life for "romantic love" is about two years.

When boiled down romantic love is about as realistic as trying to build a meaningful relationship with your television set. As such it is only sustainable for about two years and then the inevitable happens; the screen tarnishes, the mental projector breaks down and you start seeing each other for who you really are. This is when lovers accuse each other of changing or not being the person they fell in love with and/or married.

(Note: Laptop Guy and I have been in a relationship for more than two years, and I have noticed that he's been shutting down prematurely lately. I think it may be the beginning of the end for us.)

The article says that part of the problem is that we have these unrealistic expectations about our mate, and when we see them for who they really are, we feel like we're no longer in love.

The truth is good relationships are mundane and when the myths fail, the relationship has a better chance of working; just look at the success of arranged marriages. The difference between these and prince and princess unions is that arranged affairs don’t start out with the expectation that you will be on a pedestal and worshipped forever.

I actually always used this argument to explain the success of my own marriage (that is until I got divorced...) I got married because I was pregnant. I didn't feel "in love." But I grew to love my husband because of who he was...not because I was looking at him through rose-colored glasses. I used to say that unlike other couples who marry when they're starry-eyed, I loved my husband much more after we were married. It seemed to be more of a mature love, rather than that obsessive, romantic love. It was kind of a bummer that I went into my marriage being petrified, rather than excited, but I saw the man I married for who he was...both his faults and his strengths... and I saw that he loved me and was doing his best to be a good husband and a good father. And I grew to love him very deeply.

On the other hand, he was "in romantic love" with me when we got married, so he was in for a rude awakening when I fell off the pedastal. (This may have come when he realized I watched the soap opera, All My Children.)

We had a good marriage for 19 years (despite my All My Children addiction) until he fell "in love" with someone else and realized he was no longer happy with the status quo of a rather boring marriage. (I was no longer watching All My Children, but he was not happy with my interest in the sitcom, Friends, either.)

I can't really blame him. Those shows are pretty stupid. (Perhaps if I were watching something called, My Dear Husband, he might not have minded so much...)

And I get it that being in love feels great. I might have done the same thing. It really does feel a lot better to be "in love" than to be in a marriage where romantic love seems non-existent. The problem is, according to the literature on this stuff, it never lasts, and unfortunately, at this age, I often have a hard time even getting it to start!

So what do you do if you want to fall in love? Well, I am doing research on this. Tune in tomorrow when we dissect romantic love a little further...

Eight Kinds of Love

I tout my blog as one that talks about love. It's been my mission to figure out what exactly love is... How do we get it? How do we give it? So first of all, it might be good to break it up into different kinds of love. For the record, I am not going to cheat and google these different kinds of love (yet). I'll just offer my opinions and I welcome you to comment and add your own thoughts.

Romantic Love - This is the type many of us think of first when we talk about love. It's the type that goes with lust and desire and sex. It's the type where you want to be together all the time. This type of love feels really, really good. It's usually what we mean when we say we're "in love."

Platonic Love - This is the type of love we have for our friends. This is pretty easy to give and find... you just have to give and receive support, find the good in people, listen, share, be vulnerable. This can get tricky because it might lead to confusion as to whether or not you're interested in romantic love. It's not too uncommon to move from Romantic Love to Platonic Love. That's when you hear (or say) the old "I love you, but I'm not 'in love' with you line." But it can go the other way, too. Sometimes platonic love can develop into romantic love.

Familial Love - This is the type of love you have for your siblings, parents, and maybe extended family... grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews. You grew up with them and accept them regardless of their faults or quirks. You have absolutely NO romantic interest even if they're extremely attractive. (Tempted to make incest joke here, but I'll resist.) You feel like you can be truly yourself around them, though you can get on each others' nerves. You can often take this kind of love for granted because you trust it will never go away.

Love of Children - This is a love that's different and deeper than familial love. This is a protective love. Perhaps because it starts when a baby is completely dependent on us for care, this kind of love is usually given freely and unconditionally.

Love of God - This is a spiritual kind of love. It's about belief and faith and feeling that there is a higher power that will guide us. It's the kind of love we feel when we see beauty and goodness in the world.

Love of Pets - Sometimes this can almost be as strong as love of children, especially for people who don't have children. Again, it probably comes from caring for a living thing who is completely dependent on us and who loves us in return.

Love of Other Stuff - Though this may sound like a "materialistic" kind of love, I'm talking about when people say things like, "I love ice cream" or "I love summer" or "I love my house" or "I love my job." I think it's a positive thing to enjoy life and a good thing to love what we have. And when we lose something we loved... like a house or a job or even a treasured possession, we grieve.

Love of Self - This, of course, is very important. It may be hard to have any of the other kinds of love without tackling this one. This is the one in which we accept and embrace everything that's unique about us. We don't try to defend ourselves or pretend to be someone we're not. We know we're not perfect and that we have our faults, but we also celebrate our talents and want to share our gifts with others.

OK, that's all I can think of. Just thought I'd set that reference point so that in the future when I talk about "love" I can clarify the type I'm talking about.

Which of these types of loves do you have in your life right now? Is there a type you want but don't have? What can you do about that?