Even in death, Craig has dignity and grace

I've been crying pretty much non-stop since I found out Craig couldn't eat any more and his death was imminent. It's funny... no matter how much we think we're prepared for a death, when it's actually about to happen, we feel panicked...desperate to stop that death from happening.

I've known for over two years that Craig was going to die. I've seen him lose the ability to move or talk due to ALS, a most horrific disease. I've helped him eat, seeing his food get progressively less appealing and more difficult to eat...pureed stuff like baby food. I'd pick up his prepared meal and sniff it trying to guess what it was. He'd make funny faces to my guesses and to the tastes and sometimes even he didn't know what he was eating!

But when all else failed, there was ice cream. One of my fun memories was the time we couldn't get into the church and instead went to get ice cream... I felt bad that he didn't make it to church, because I knew that was important to him, but I think going to get ice cream was much more fun. It almost felt like we were a couple of kids playing hookey. One time, all he had for lunch was three servings of ice cream!

But now, he can't even eat ice cream. He can't swallow.

It's interesting how much you can communicate if your face can still move. Even though Craig can't talk, every time I visit him I feel like we have an intimate conversation. I always see the love in his eyes. And just like the guessing game with the food, I guess what he's trying to tell me, and we have this fun conversation -- almost like playing charades with your eyes. Of course, I was always the guesser, but we'd both enjoy a look of satisfaction when I'd get it right. Kind of like high-fiving with your eyes at success.

Sometimes I'd make a joke and he'd always smile, but also roll his eyes to tease me. Sometimes he just would listen as I read or we'd watch TV or I'd show him some latest cool thing on the computer. I know he's been frustrated by not being able to talk, but we have been able to communicate.

And today was probably our last conversation.

I told him I'd heard he was no longer eating.
"Is it because you want to die?" I asked him
Emphatic shake of the head. Eyes determined to tell me he was not depressed or suicidal. He did not want to die.
"Then how about a feeding tube?"
Sympathetic shake of the head. Eyes telling me he was sorry, but he would not get a feeding tube.
"You're ready to die?"
Nodding. Eyes telling me I got it right this time. He had lived a full life. He had not let this disease stop him from living as fully as he could. But now it was time.
"But I'll miss you."
Sympathetic nod. Eyes telling me he knows. Telling me that I must let him go.

So we read a chapter from The Purpose-Driven Life.. the one about our life on earth being temporary and that our real home is with Christ. He nodded and smiled, so serene... but I saw the grimaces of pain, too. I told him how sorry I was for his pain.. even while dying, I could see he was telling me not to worry. "I'm fine" he mouthed.

And when it was time for me to go, I hugged and kissed him and cried openly telling him I loved him more than he could ever imagine. He's been the most inspirational person in my life -- the one who has taught me the most about love in this ongoing quest of mine to understand what exactly love is.

Then I told him I wasn't sure when I'd see him again... maybe in heaven... or maybe next week when we'd have to go through this whole tear-filled ordeal all over again and he smiled and nodded.

And then he ended our conversation the way he always does... looking at me with his beautiful eyes and mouthing the words 'I love you.'

Saying goodbye to Craig

I got some very sad news about Craig, my friend with ALS. His death is coming very soon. He's eating very little, on a lot of morphine, and ready to die. I know he has such a strong faith. He told me long ago that he was ready to move on to the afterlife with Jesus. (I can just imagine Craig and Jesus... He will have Jesus out hiking all over heaven.)

So, I am not sad for Craig. I know he is very prepared and looking forward to eternity. I am sad for me. I'm sad that I'll no longer get to call him and tell him how much I love him... how much he inspires me. I'm sad that I'll no longer get to visit him and see his smile when he sees me. I'll no longer get to see those eyes so full of life, despite a disease that crippled him. I'm sad for his children, his mother -- who just lost her husband to Alzheimers -- his sisters, his friends. I'm sad for all of us because we will be missing a great man.

Tomorrow I'll visit my friend for the last time. I'll hold his hands, hug him and tell him how very much I love him. And I'll pray that I can keep a part of him with me always to pass on his goodness to everyone.

December Game: Best blog posts of 2010 about love or relationships

Gamers, Bloggers, Readers, and People who love Love,

My post from yesterday reminded me how much I enjoyed games, and I often like to make up games at the beginning of the month to match my goals. So, it being December 1rst, and since I've had a goal to find great blogs and posts that are about love and relationships, I decided to host a December game about finding the best, most loving, inspirational, blog posts of 2010.

Here's how it works:

* Between now and December 20th, submit in the comments a link to a blog post you've read or written about love or relationships. If you have any trouble with submitting a comment, feel free to email me at yvette.francino@gmail.com.

* Bloggers should submit a link to the post from their own blogs! Don't be shy! Just pick one of your posts that you feel is particularly poignant or inspirational. If you can't decide, submit a couple.

* I will compile these and create a poll so that readers can vote for their favorite between December 20-31.

* On December 31, I'll announce the Best Blog Post in 2010 About Love and Relationships (based on votes.)

* The person who submitted the entry will win a wonderful prize of the best selling humor memoir about love and relationships: The Laptop Dancer Diaries - A Mostly True Story About Finding Love Again.

* I'll go ahead and compile the blog posts into a free eBook that can be shared. This will provide hyperlinks and visibility to all your wonderful blogs and spread love throughout the world! Yay!

Help me by retweeting or posting on Facebook or to your networks and let's make this a great end of the year "Love project!"

Looking for Game Players!

I LOVE games! I make up games for just about anything. It runs in my family. We played lots of games when I was a kid, and I play a lot as an adult. In fact, I'm seriously thinking of creating a "Complicated Relationship Game."

It's kind of funny that one of the most popular things that I find on online dating profiles is something like: "I don't want someone who plays games" or "I don't play games." Now, I know they're talking about being "manipulative" or "dishonest" or some other negative behavior, but it's a shame this gets labeled as "game-playing."

Dating Goddess blogged about this herself, wondering if setting boundaries would be considered "game-playing"to some.

Personally, I think games are wonderful, even in dating! I love playfulness. Flirting, itself, is a game. In fact, the whole process of courtship and dating can be a bit of a game. You play a card and you see how your date responds. They play a card and then you respond. What fun would it be if you just laid all your cards on the table?

David Wygant, a popular male relationship coach also recommended playing on a first date. He writes:

One of my favorite things to do on this date is to play a game. At every window at which you look, have each of you say what you would pick in the window if you could have (or if you had to take) one thing displayed there. Have fun with it. It’s also a great way to find out a lot about the other person’s personality.

So, what kind of games are the ones that get such a bad rap in dating? Maybe simply saying something to get the other person in bed would be considered a "game." Maybe acting very interested and then not following up... Maybe the "game" for many is just the chase... Once they've "caught you," they've won and they're on to someone else.

Yes, those are pretty hurtful behaviors, but part being good at the game of life and love is recognizing who you can trust and who you can't. When you meet someone, take the time to get to know them to figure out what kind of "games" they play. If you play the same games, you may just be in for a match made in heaven.

Cuddle Parties? Would you go?

I like to think that I'd try just about anything once... well, as long as it didn't go against my values. I like to experiment with unusual, funky things, especially when it comes to relationships or communication. And, of course, I love a good theme party. So, when I was invited to a "cuddle party," I was intrigued. If I were still writing The Laptop Dancer Diaries, it would be just the kind of thing I'd do as an "adventure."

But, I have to say, the more I thought about it, the more it seemed mildly creepy! I wouldn't know anyone at this party. I barely know the person who invited me.. just met her once at my writing group. And to be honest, she's not a person I particularly feel like cuddling with. I mean, the best thing about cuddling is enjoying the person you're cuddling with. Cuddling with a complete stranger? This does not sound appealing to me. It sounds embarrassing and weird.

It's funny that I'm having this reaction because not too long ago, I had a big debate with my family about a Free Hugs event I was attending. I was a member of a Random Acts of Kindness Meetup Group and at the event, we were hanging out on a street corner with "Free Hugs" signs offering these hugs up to strangers. (This originated from this popular Free Hugs YouTube video.)

I, of course, was arguing in favor of giving "free hugs." It's been proven that we all need touch. What's the big deal if it's a stranger? My parents thought it was weird. My mother warned me of all the dangerous people out there, telling me of some story where a poor woman was accosted. I assured her I would not be in any danger and told her that the trouble with the world is that we're all so afraid of "strangers" that we don't even smile at them. If we could all just trust one another, the world would be a better place.

My Dad just thought it was stupid. He wasn't really concerned about safety. He just thought there was no point in hugging strangers. I told him that's probably because he had plenty of family and people who hug him all the time, but if he didn't, he may think differently. No, he assured me, it's just stupid.

Of course, now that I'm thinking about this cuddle party, I'm finally getting my Dad's point. Cuddling isn't that far off from hugging. I can't say I get cuddled with nearly as much as I'd like, yet still, I do not have any desire to cuddle with a stranger. What's next? Kissing strangers? (Actually... There is the whole mistletoe tradition which I don't really mind as long as the person under the mistletoe is somebody kissable...) But... cuddling... That just seems like it should be reserved for kids and intimate partners and maybe cute pets or pillows.

What do you think? Is cuddling too intimate to do with a stranger? Would you go to a cuddle party?

What about hugging? Would you give a free hug? Would you take one if it were offered to you by a stranger?

Online Dating: What do you say when you're not interested?

Having been single for 7 years, with many short stints on a variety of sites, I'm quite the seasoned online dater.

I find the dynamics of online dating very interesting, and apparently, so do many of my older single friends, since it's often the topic of conversation.

One thing to know when you're just starting out is that it's quite common to not get a response when you email or wink at someone. You should definitely NOT take this as a rejection. It happens to the most attractive, desireable people.

Why people don't respond

When I first started online dating, I would respond to every single person who emailed or winked. It was so flattering that anyone was interested, and I always thought it was very rude to not respond at all. Here is the problem with that:

* Some people will want to continue the conversation. Even if you tell them you're not interested in dating, they will want to still be friends, and it becomes even more awkward to tell them you don't even want to be pen-pals.

* Some people will feel rejected and act rudely, even when you are trying to be nice. They'll say something like "Your loss." The worst response I ever got was from someone who told me he didn't want to date me anyway because I have a "gummy smile and a body like a boy."

* Sometimes there just isn't time. I know there are a lot of women who are much more attractive than me out there, and I'm sure they get a TON of email, especially if they're on match.com. When I first got on match, I was 43 and even said in my profile something like... "I'm not ready for dating... I'm just curious if this is a good way to meet people." It was a huge stroke to my ego to still get lots of email, but I soon was overwhelmed by trying to craft nice responses letting people know I wasn't interested.

* Some people are so clearly not a match that there isn't a need to respond. There are a percentage of people who don't read profiles and their "pickup" is some cheesy one-liner in which it's clear their sole purpose for online dating is sex. I don't bother to respond to these people. One of them even asked if my daughter was available for a threesome! (I blocked him.)

So those are some of the reasons people don't respond, but there are more:

* Some people have been online dating for months... years, even. They stay on the sites even when they are dating someone else because it's not "serious." However they aren't actively looking. These kind of people often ignore emails or winks, sometimes deleting them automatically, maybe before even looking at the profile.

* Some people are not paying members and can't respond. Many of the online dating sites encourage you to create a viewable profile for free. People do this, but then they can't respond to a profile unless they pay.

* Some people are just so used to the "culture" in which the only responses they get or give are when they are interested, they feel there's nothing wrong with a lack of response.

* Most people are uncomfortable with telling someone they aren't interested and it's easier to just say nothing.

Why you should respond

OK... So those are all reasons people DON'T respond. Here are reasons you SHOULD respond (at least to those people who took the time to read your profile), even if you're not interested:

* It's respectful.

* DON'T use the "canned" no thank you. I've heard many people say that they'd prefer to get nothing then those canned responses. Instead, craft your own "canned" nicer responses, but if possible, add something personal.. at least their name. It will give you practice assertively and kindly letting people know how you feel.

* You'll stand out as being classier than most. Many men have told me how they are so used to getting no response, and they are appreciative of getting a nice response, even if it's a 'no thank you' for dating.

* You may decide to become Facebook friends or virtual friends, especially if the biggest reason for your reluctance to date is distance.

Usually, I stay in "stealth" mode... I keep my profile hidden, so that I don't get emails from people I'm not interested in and I only email or wink at people who I'm interested in. This is fine for plentyoffish which is free.

To get a response yourself

Now if you're the one who's interested and you're trying to get a response, here are some things you can do to increase your chances:

* Read their profile! Do NOT use a canned email that you're using for everyone! Mention at least one thing in their profile that attracted you!

* Be creative, witty, funny, playful... Use your sense of humor.

* Keep it short.

* Ask a question or two, but don't ask to go out before you've even gotten an email.

* Be complimentary, but not suggestive.

* Don't just wink... Send an email.

* Make sure you have a good picture as your primary picture. (Recent, smiling, representing you at your best.)

* Double-check for stupid typos or careless mistakes.

* Do not say something like: "Please give me the courtesy of responding." (Even though you may get a bigger response rate this way, it sounds like you've got a chip on your shoulder from the lack of responses.)

And remember, never take it personally if you don't get a response back! Just move on to the next one!

ALS-Afflicted Friend Gets Thanksgiving Surprise

Today I gave my friend, Craig, the Thanksgiving surprise I've been preparing for him for the past few weeks. Putting together the recording was easy and a wonderful experience for me because I got to hear from so many of Craig's friends and family members who shared memories and plenty of 'I love yous.'

I think I ended up recording about 40 people and the total length of the .mp3 file after concatenating all the files was 1 hour and 6 minutes. It was really moving to listen to this with Craig this afternoon and watch his eyes and smiles as each new person started to speak. At times he would close his eyes as if in prayer, just letting the voices sync into his mind and heart.

After we were through listening, I asked if I could video his response and you'll see that despite his lack of voice, his own 'I love yous' came out loud and clear.

Other posts about Craig:

Spreading Kindness and Love with a Recorded Call
Give the gift of love to someone for the holidays....
A different kind of love...
Requesting prayers rather than money this year
Accolades for Craig
No church for the disabled...
Book Club: ALS Victim inspires spirituality
My Love Party
ALS-Afflicted Friend, Craig, Inspires Love of God

Honoring Grief

Not too long ago I wrote about people who were in "The Grief Club." Since I was "re-initiated" recently with the loss of my father, I realize how extra-sensitive to the actions and words of people we are when it comes to honoring grief. It's very easy to be offended or hurt when someone, who is trying to say a comforting thing, actually says something that hurts us. Common examples, when it comes to death are things like:

- He's in a better place.
- It's lucky he didn't die slowly.
- He's no longer in pain.

While many of these platitudes are fine when those of us who are grieving say them, it somehow feels wrong for someone who isn't grieving or doesn't really understand the pain we're going through to tell us these things. So... some people just say nothing, which is really bad. A simple "I'm so sorry" and a hug will do, but say something! I was very hurt by how few of my friends even acknowledged my fathers' death. In fact, I almost quit my job because my boss was so insensitive. My sister hasn't talked to her sister-in-law in years because she was so hurt that the death of my brother had never been acknowledged. When you're grieving you don't want pity, but you want understanding. Perhaps the only people you can truly get that from are those who are also experiencing that grief... or people who have experienced a similar grief. Others often don't get it, but they do get credit for trying, so I try not to be too hard on them.

However, recently I've felt very upset about a discussion I had with a very good friend about seat belts. My brother died in a car accident and he would have lived if he'd had his seat belt on. He went through the windshield. His passenger, thank God, was wearing his seat belt and walked away without a scratch...

My friend, after I'd told her how important I thought it was to wear a seat belt, told me she didn't believe in the "stats" and was sorry that I now lived my life "in fear" because of my brother's death. Though I'm sure she didn't mean it to be offensive, this hurt me very deeply. As I wrote in my other post, there are many things I learned from being in "the grief club" and one of them most definitely is not to live your life in fear, but in love, respecting the fragility of life. This friend is not in the "grief club" herself, so, again, I need to try and remember that she didn't realize how much those words would sting me.

The opposite effect happens when we feel someone really understands our grief. We feel so touched and grateful for their empathy. We feel that they are honoring and respecting our grief and realize how much we loved the person we lost.

I'm going to repeat the lessons I learned when I was initiated into "the club." These are in honor of my brother, Chris, who lived his life fully and with passion. He made a mistake by not wearing his seat belt that day, but that didn't teach me to live in fear or to avoid risk. His life and his death taught me this:

• Don't take life for granted. Every minute is a gift.
• Don't take the people in your life for granted. Love them. Don't sweat the small stuff.
• Live life to the fullest. Do all the things you've always wanted to do. Just do it!
• Take risks --maybe not the life-threatening type so much... but certainly take risks with love. What's the worst that can happen when you love someone? They don't love you back? Experiencing a broken heart is bad, but it is not the grief of death.
• Give... Don't worry so much about money. Spend it on people and experiences, more than things that sit on a shelf.
• Embrace your faith. Learn from my friend, Craig, who despite ALS, has the most awe-inspiring faith I've ever known.
• Have compassion for those that join the club. Go to the funerals, memorial services, and celebrations of life, with arms open to hold those that are in unbearable pain.
• Hold on to the best parts of the people you have lost and pass on what you learned from them. Keep them in your heart.

I'd like to add one more that I learned from my friend, Rebecca Mullen of Altared Spaces.
• Build your own "altared spaces" and notice, respect, and learn from the altared spaces of others.

Rebecca exemplifies this in her post about traveling west about a beautifully adorned roadside altar:

My eye catches these roadside altars. As I drove on in silence I said a little prayer for the people who are maintaining this one with such grace. Is this a mother who lost her child? All of us drive by. The world goes on and, maybe, someone glances at the spot where life forever changed for someone else. I’m not making a judgment about how I should have noticed sooner or how my life should be something different because life here has changed for this family. I have a ridiculously happy life and I build altars to that every day that no one ever sees. I’m just noticing someone else’s altar I suppose.

Too old for dating? It's just getting fun...

I've never been one who liked to date, even in my youth. Maybe it's the small talk, or maybe it's the stress of worrying if he likes me or I like him, or maybe it's just because I'd usually much rather be home with Laptop Guy, but it just hasn't been my thing. That being said, I've certainly done my share of it in the past few years in the quest to find another partner.


My plan (I always have a plan) was: I will put myself out there until I'm 50, and if I'm not in love by then, I will be content living out the rest of my life as a happy single. It didn't mean I planned to give up totally on the idea of getting married again -- I've heard the cliche wisdom, "when you're not looking, it will happen," over and over again.


So I turned 50. The world didn't come to an end. I don't feel different than I did at 49. I actually am more comfortable about dating than I was when I was young and certainly more comfortable than I was at 43, when I first got divorced. I've learned that dating is is not that big of a deal. I suppose I've grown to accept that there's a good chance the relationships I get into won't lead to marriage, so I stop stressing about them, and just let them play out. I really don't worry too much about the "attraction" factor any more. These days, I'm a lot more interested in getting to know someone and I've stopped worrying so much about all those sexual fears.


There was a big study recently that showed that happiness begins at 50. Some people speculate it's because those of us at this older age live more "in the moment." I would guess it's because we are more accepting of ourselves and the people around us. Or maybe it's because our hormones and libido are more at an even keel and don't confuse and frustrate us the way they once did.

In any case, the holidays are upon us again, and I reluctantly thought maybe I'd give match.com another try. Just one month... I was prepared for the worst. Now that I'm 50, I figured I would be too old to even make it into the search criteria of anyone other than the senior citizens. (I did briefly consider lying about my age... it's so common place on the online dating sites that it's almost expected... but that's a story for another post.)

Anyway, I have been having the best luck this time around! There are a lot of really great-looking, active, intelligent guys in their late 40's and early 50's who have contacted me. In fact, when I had three "in the 'let's meet' queue," I had to start turning 'em away. (I never was good at multi-dating and I barely have time to date one guy, let alone more than one.)

Now I fully expected that when I met these guys I'd do my typical thing and find some stupid, insignificant reason why we were a bad match, but that didn't happen! I think it's 'cause I used to think you had to have that limerence-induced infatuated feeling and I hardly ever get that. But this time, I was much more open to just getting to know someone more... And I actually liked all three of them! Maybe it really is much more about attitude than age.

It turns out Bachelor #2 (who secretly I was hoping for) has asked me out to dinner for Friday night! Way too early to know if it will amount to anything, but it feels good to be back in the game!

Nine Levels of Love - Podcast with John Maturo

The other day I spoke with relationship coach John Maturo about his eBook, "Nine Levels of Love," and his company NU.

Tune in to this podcast to find out more about the book, the "relationship cruise" that is being offered in 2011, and advice for new singles.



Maturo helps his clients:

•Break free of bad habits

•Overcome old hurts and demons

•Shrug off negative, self-damaging feelings

•Replace unconstructive thoughts

•Improve self-esteem

•Accept yourself, flaws and all

•Find…and keep…the love you crave!